The World Series is here! The final games of the season, where a champion is crowned and everything ends! Last season saw a rookie taking on a long-time veteran for the trophy; this time, that same rookie returns (now a second-year coach) and will be facing off against…another rookie, who went from losing to the AI in the preseason to finishing the season 11-3 and sweeping their first two opponents in the playoffs. It’s been a long trip for both of these teams, but only one of them can leave victorious. Will it be the struggling Montana Floss, who have constantly fought just to be part of the playoffs? Or will it be the Junior Athletics, who have rode a strong defense (and all the offense that could be milked out of their lineup) to a surprising World Series slot? Let’s find out!

WORLD SERIES

Game 1: Junior Athletics at Montana Floss

The Montana Floss were the home team, which meant that they’d spend Games 1, 3, and 5 as the “home” team at Super Colossal Dome while the Junior Athletics would spend Games 2 and 4 as the home team there. Despite being the away team, the Athletics were the ones who had no trouble at the dome, as they produced 13 runs on 23 hits in a shutout victory over the Floss. Although Montana did see Brad Radke pitch a perfect game, their offense did nowhere near as well, as they only managed to score 7 runs on 21 hits and wound up losing by 5 runs after home proration was applied. This gave the Athletics a 1-0 series lead and kept them undefeated in the postseason as both teams prepared for Game 2.

Junior Athletics 13, Montana Floss 8

Player of the game: What’s more fitting than for the leadoff hitter to be the most important player in the leadoff game? Courtney Valentino has filled that role very well for the Junior Athletics this season, and Game 1 was no different, as she put together a 4-for-5 performance with 3 singles and a home run, notching 4 RBIs and scoring twice herself. Before the game, she did some light stretching and aerobics; after the game, she worked off some excess energy (and adrenaline) with an impromptu gymnastics performance.

Game 2: Montana Floss at Junior Athletics

The Montana Floss were hoping to even the series in this one, and they did notably better, as while they had only two more hits they managed to score 6 more runs over the course of their extra inning, and while Brad Radke allowed 4 hits he still pitched a shutout. This 13-0 win gave the Junior Athletics a run differential of 13 to overcome, and they almost did it. Defensively, the Athletics were on point, as Todd Xavier pitched a 5-hit shutout, and offensively they were also strong, managing 22 hits as the Floss AI made 5 errors. In the end, though, the Junior Athletics ended up winning their match 10-0, which with home proration gave them a run differential of 12–one run short. This allowed the Montana Floss to even the series and guarantee that it would last at least 4 games.

Montana Floss 13, Junior Athletics 12

Player of the game: Kathy Wolf was instrumental in helping the Montana Floss eke out a win. Like most of the team, she’s not known for a hefty power bat, but she regularly gets on base. That’s exactly what she did in Game 2, going 5-for-5 with 4 singles and a double. She finished with a pair of RBIs and scored 4 times, providing enough of an offensive punch to get the Floss past the Athletics and tie the series. After the game, she collapsed in right field, winded from having gone full speed the whole game but satisfied with the result.

Game 3: Junior Athletics at Montana Floss

With the series now tied, the Montana Floss were hoping to build on their momentum and take the series lead. However, it was the Athletics defense that came through in this game. They were absolutely stifling, holding the Floss to 4 runs on 8 hits–a poor offensive performance that even Brad Radke’s perfect game couldn’t save. The Athletics offense didn’t have to do that much to win, and a 12-2 final score was more than enough for them to blow away the Floss. This gave the Athletics a 2-1 series lead and meant that the Montana Floss were one loss away from losing the World Series.

Junior Athletics 10, Montana Floss 4

Player of the game: You couldn’t ask for a much better day than the one Sally Dobbs had. While the Athletics were solid offensively, she was more than solid, going 4-for-4 with 3 singles and a home run. She finished with 4 RBIs, scored every time she got up to bat, and topped it off with a stolen base. She may have won 2 World Series already, but she definitely wants to win a third.

Game 4: Montana Floss at Junior Athletics

In what could very well be the deciding game, the Junior Athletics opened things up with a bang, producing an 11-run 1st inning and setting themselves up very well for the rest of the game. The next four innings paled in comparison–they only scored 3 more runs for a final prorated score of 16-0–but it was easily their best performance of the series so far and would’ve been enough to beat the Floss most days. This was not one of those days, however, as the Athletics AI shuffled their defensive setup in order to have Ray Tran pitch Game 4. This led to holes all over the field, and that combined with some strong hits from the Montana Floss meant that they rampaged to 29 runs while shutting out the Athletics again. It was the second blowout of the series, but this time the winners were the Montana Floss, who tied the series at 2 and moved things to a decisive and final Game 5.

Montana Floss 29, Junior Athletics 16

Player of the game: Everybody was racking up hits for the Montana Floss in this game, but Emily Lewbel was doing a bit more than most, as she went 5-for-6 with a single, a double, a triple, and a pair of home runs. She finished with 10 RBIs and scored 4 times herself, and topped her day off with a stolen base. She was a vital part of the Floss’s offense, and admitted after the game that she was just hopeful she could do as well in Game 5.

Game 5: Junior Athletics at Montana Floss

With everything on the line, both teams would need to give it their all in this one. This time, with the Athletics AI set up normally, the Montana Floss didn’t have another overwhelming performance, but it was solid enough, as they put together 12 runs on 18 hits for a 12-0 home win that was bolstered by Brad Radke’s third perfect game of the series and a final prorated run differential of 14. This wasn’t enough to keep up with the Athletics, however, as the Junior Athletics started out strongly by putting up 10 runs in their first three innings (helped by Dawn Cozart hitting a pair of homers in those innings) and then pouring it on when Vic Soufle came on the mound from catcher; this opened up third base for steals, and the Athletics finished with a final score of 21-0. This meant the Junior Athletics won the game 21-14, and finished the season as champions!

Junior Athletics 21, Montana Floss 14

Player of the game: Dawn Cozart was on fire in this one! She may have only gone 3-for-5, but those 3 were all homers. She finished with 10 RBIs, only three of which she scored herself, and was a huge part of the Athletics’ initial offensive push that got Vic Soufle on the mound and allowed the Athletics to take control. After the game (and the series) she stated that she was just glad not to have been attacked by any bees, bears, bees the size of bears, or Poles (expatriated or otherwise) for her comments about bears.

Junior Athletics win the World Series 3-2

World Series MVP: Sally Dobbs is known for upping her game in the postseason, and that’s exactly what she did here. Throughout the playoffs, she was the strongest batter on the Junior Athletics, posting a .729 batting average (2nd on the Athletics), a 1.48 slugging percentage (led team), and hit the most home runs on the team, with 7 in total (in the regular season she had 5). As implausible as it may seem, she was actually even better in the World Series, going 17-for-21 (batting average of 0.810) with 5 home runs and a slugging percentage of 1.67. She was a big contributor to the Athletics offense and a huge part of why they won it all, which is why I’m naming her the World Series MVP.

Postseason MVP: When a defensive-oriented team wins it all, who else should get the most credit besides their pitcher? Todd Xavier spent almost all season on the mound, and spent about as much time up there in the postseason. As the Junior Athletics’ starting pitcher, he led them to a 7-2 record and a World Series championship, and along the way was utterly dominant on the mound, only allowing 6 runs in total, posting an ERA of 0.80, only allowing 44 hits and throwing 63 strikeouts as he sent batter after batter back to the dugout. In the end, his amazing pitching performances were enough to move the Athletics through all three rounds, fell their opponents, and give them the ultimate prize: the championship.

THE JUNIOR ATHLETICS ARE YOUR BBL SEASON 7 CHAMPIONS!

AWARD WINNERS

There are three awards given out right before the World Series starts. These awards are The Jocinda for the most impactful hitter on the player side, the Ace Wilson for the best pitcher on the player side, and the Goldie Glove for the most impactful defensive player on the AI side (in a positive way, of course).

THE JOCINDA
Winner: Jay Green, CF, Arizona Diamondbacks (Indoor Conference)

This was a season where records were set on both sides of the ball, usually from one player. When it came to batting, this player was Jay Green, who had an unbelievable season for the Arizona Diamondbacks. Jay Green set (and occasionally shattered) several records, including batting average (0.934; the previous record was 0.920), slugging percentage (2.934; the previous record was 2.344), and home runs (37; the previous record was 26). Along the way, he avoided ever leaving the plate without making contact, finishing the season with no strikeouts and no walks and only being called out 4 times (he went 57-for-61 over the course of the season). The cherry on top might just be his ability to avoid hitting singles; he only had 10 singles on the season, with the other 10 hits being doubles (9) or triples (1). Not only that, but he finished with 9 stolen bases, which suggests that even if he didn’t hit the ball out he’d still end up in scoring position somehow–and since he scored 51 times, that means that there were only ten instances when he came up to bat and didn’t score all season. There’s no such thing as automatic–even when it comes to Mr. Clanky–but this season, Jay Green was the closest you can get. This performance was unprecedented, and it’s highly unlikely that we’ll see anything like it again. But for 14 games, all the stars aligned perfectly, and Jay Green became the de facto MVP.

Balloting:
1.: Jay Green, CF, Arizona Diamondbacks (11 votes, 11 #1 votes)
2.: Kay O’Toole, RF, Purple Sox (8 votes)
3.: Leah Wayne, SS, Los Angeles Dodgers (6 votes)
4.: Sammy Sosa, RF, Red Phillies (3 votes, 1 #1 vote)
T-5.: Pablo Sanchez, SS, Green Monsters (1 vote, 1 #1 vote)
T-5.: Chico Pappas, C, Wizard Wombats (2 votes)
T-7.: Courtney Valentino, CF, Junior Athletics (1 vote)
T-7.: Uma Morris, 2B, Texas Rangers (1 vote)
T-9.: Julie Dunkel, P, Minnesota Twins (1 vote)
T-9.: Zena Fromme, 3B, Humongous Hornets (1 vote)
T-9.: Maria Luna, LF, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angels Association (1 vote)
T-9.: Cheryl Reynolds, C, Baltimore Orioles (1 vote)
T-9.: Marilyn McDonnell, SS, Purple Sox (1 vote)

ACE WILSON
Winner: Brad Radke, Montana Floss (Backyard Conference)

Speaking of record-setting performances, there was one of those on the pitching side this season, and as with the offensive side it was mostly from a single player (although the Los Angeles Dodgers rotated through almost their entire team as they had their own fantastic pitching season). This player? Brad Radke of the Montana Floss, who like Jay Green set several records (although he didn’t really shatter any of them). The only individual record he set was for strikeouts, with 130 (previous record: 127), but he was the main pitcher on the Montana Floss, who set several team records for pitching. In addition to the team setting the record for strikeouts in tandem with the Los Angeles Dodgers of this season with 135, they also set records for ERA with a team ERA of 0.29 (Radke’s ERA was 0.30, and the next closest team was the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angles Association from this season, who had an ERA of 0.31 and would’ve tied the record were it not for a forfeit that cost them 6 innings of pitching; the earlier next closest were the Humongous Melonheads of Season 2, with an ERA of 0.34) and for hits allowed with 30 (previous record: 33, by the Baltimore Bombers in Season 6). Overall, it was one of the most (if not the most) dominating pitching performances the league has ever seen, and as a result Brad Radke was an almost unanimous choice for Ace Wilson

Balloting:
1.: Brad Radke, Montana Floss (12 votes, 10 #1 votes)
2.: Randy Johnson, Arizona Diamondbacks (9 votes, 2 #1 votes)
3.: Amanda Hellerman, Little Giants (5 votes)
4.: Tom Glass, New York Yankees (4 votes)
T-5.: Angela Delvecchio, Super-Duper Melonheads (2 votes, 1 #1 vote)
T-5.: Gretchen Hasselhoff, Los Angeles Dodgers (2 votes)
T-7.: Shohei Ohtani, Milwaukee Braves (2 votes)
T-7.: Nancy Chin, Baltimore Bombers (1 vote)

GOLDIE GLOVE
Winner: Star Moonbeam, 1B, Wizard Wombats (Backyard Conference)

The Wizard Wombats were supposed to have the weakest defense in the Backyard Conference. Supposed is the operative word, though, as despite their focus on offense and them having one of the only weak catchers in the conference, their defense was decidedly average, finishing as the 5th-ranked defense–not great, but nowhere near the sieve it was agreed to be before the season started. A big part of their performance? Star Moonbeam, who turned into an absolute terror at first base, darting off the bag to snatch up any grounders to the right side and getting back before most batters could make it to first. Along with making hitting grounders to the right side of the field unenticing, her speed guaranteed that she was always on the bag to receive throws from everybody else, which helped ensure that passed balls weren’t a problem at first. Although there were other players who ended up causing unexpected trouble for opposing offenses (Tony Delvecchio was surprisingly acrobatic at first base, and Ricky Johnson’s height and speed in left field posed an occasional problem and allowed him to rob homers once in a blue moon), Star Moonbeam was easily the most consistently troublesome defensive obstacle for other teams to overcome, and this award is well-deserved.

Balloting:
1.: Star Moonbeam, 1B, Wizard Wombats (7 votes, 4 #1 votes)
T-2.: Tony Delvecchio, 1B, Super-Duper Melonheads (3 votes, 2 #1 votes)
T-2.: Ricky Johnson, LF, Montana Floss (5 votes, 1 #1 vote)
4.: Pete Wheeler, 3B, Texas Rangers (3 votes, 1 #1 vote)
T-5.: Shohei Ohtani, P, Milwaukee Braves (2 votes)
T-5.: Derek Jeter, SS, Boston Reds (2 votes)
T-7.: Todd Xavier, P, Junior Athletics (1 vote, 1 #1 vote)
T-7.: Henri Deschenes, CF, Milwaukee Braves (1 vote, 1 #1 vote)
T-7.: Johnny Omar, 3B, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angles Association (1 vote, 1 #1 vote)
T-7.: Kathy Wolf, RF, Montana Floss (1 vote, 1 #1 vote)
T-7.: Susan Gore, C, Boston Cubs (1 vote, 1 #1 vote)
T-7.: Alex Rodriguez, SS, Boston Cubs (2 votes)
T-13.: Sarah Maxwell, C, Humongous Hornets (1 vote)
T-13.: Veronica Lee, CF, Texas Rangers (1 vote)
T-13.: Fred Benson, LF, Baltimore Bombers (1 vote)
T-16.: Wendy Parsons, C, Junior Athletics (1 vote)
T-16.: Pamela Kirkos, C, Arizona Diamondbacks (1 vote)
T-16.: Ezra Travolta, SS, Arizona Diamondbacks (1 vote)
T-16.: Marky Dubois, P, Baltimore Orioles (1 vote)
T-16.: Scotty Roth, C, Purple Sox (1 vote)
T-16.: Esmarelda Heimann, C, Red Phillies (1 vote)

ODE TO THE CHAMPIONS

The Junior Athletics have done it. They’ve managed to win the championship as an upstart Frontyard team with a rookie coach. They fought their way through a tough season where nobody expected them to be particularly great to become the eventual champions. So how’d they do it?

Well, as with all teams, their story starts with the draft. In order to build the best team he could, head coach and GM MelloMathTeacher made contact with several long-term vets to get their advice on whom to draft and what to do with them. He combined this with extensive testing to figure out his AI’s lineup, and when the draft was over, expressed confidence that he had drafted a good team.

What he wasn’t confident in was how well they’d perform under him. Before the season started, he played several practice matches against numerous Frontyard teams, and for him the results were routinely underwhelming. The Junior Athletics suffered several losses to the AI in the opening exhibitions, struggled to score, and generally left those following the team with the sense that while their AI might cause some opponents to struggle, Mello’s coaching would leave much to be desired.

To some extent, this assumption was validated in their first game–a tie where both teams won 2-0 and where the Athletics were only given the win because they were the home team and as such had a home bonus (in this case, .4 runs). While their offense came alive in their next game (a 12-1 road win against the Florida Marlins), in game three their offense once again put up a mediocre performance, scoring 6 at home against the Humongous Hornets. At this point, however, the Junior Athletics were 3-0, and it looked like they might just be contenders–especially since their AI defense had quietly only given up 6 runs in their first three games.

Defense couldn’t carry them forever, though, and the worries MelloMathTeacher had about his preseason performance reared their head again, as an extra-innings bout with the Minnesota Twins (where the Athletics suffered plenty of bad luck) led to the team’s first loss to the AI (and their first loss overall as the Twins won their half 3-0). They hoped to get back on the winning track against the Los Angeles Dodgers, but struggled to score once again, only producing 5 runs on the road and losing the game when AI Leah Wayne hit a solo shot that gave the Athletics a final score of 5-1 and a run differential of 4–which tied with the home team Dodgers (who won their game 4-0) and gave Los Angeles the win.

Now 3-2, the Athletics looked to be fading as their AI defense got figured out. But Week 6 proved to be an inflection point for the team. Not only did their AI get its first win (defeating the Tampa Bay Devil Rays 2-0) but their offense caught fire, scoring 12 runs at home as the intensive practice they put in finally started to pay dividends in an actual game. The Athletics then built off of their momentum in Week 7, defeating the New York Yankees 17-6 (in a game heavily aided by the shallow walls of Tin Can Alley) and entering the All-Star Break as the third-best team in their conference at 5-2 (behind the 6-1 Minnesota Twins and 5-2 Los Angeles Dodgers).

After the All-Star Break, the Athletics continued to do well offensively, defeating the Twins 12-6 at Dirt Yards (in a game that would’ve seen them win by more had their defense not melted down in the 6th) and losing to the Dodgers 21-20 at home (in a game where they only lost because AI Leah Wayne hit a home run). At this point, the Athletics were 6-3 and still in third, but they’d finally figured out their offense and their defense had continued to stay strong. This deadly combination worked to their benefit, and they proceeded to win the last five games of the season and vaulted into the playoffs as the top seed from the Frontyard Conference.

Despite having a full head of steam and the top seed under their belt, the Athletics were heavy underdogs in their opening playoff matchup against the Boston Cubs. The Boston Cubs were another defensively-oriented team, with the strongest defense in the Backyard Conference and a 1.5 time champion at their helm. It was expected that the Cubs would be able to take down the Athletics with relative ease, and that the Athletics would be lucky to steal even one game of the three-game series.

The Athletics had kept practicing, however, and had readied themselves to play on the Cubs home field of Cement Gardens as well as their own home of Dubois Diamond. This practice paid off with two results on the same day: the first one, a 9-6 win where both teams scored more runs than would be expected but also gave up quite a few runs, and the second one a 7-7 game at Dubois Diamond where the Athletics won due to the home bonus. Just like that, the Athletics had swept the Cubs and moved on to the second round of the playoffs.

Their opponents in the second round were the Texas Rangers of the Indoor Conference, and this time the Athletics were favored–their AI had stood strong against the Cubs, and their offense had continued to contribute. In Game 1, their AI gave up double-digit runs for only the second time, but their offense took advantage of an error-filled performance by the Rangers AI to put up 22 runs and defeat the Rangers 21-14 in Game 1. Game 2 wasn’t even close, as the Rangers AI somehow made even more errors (14 in total), and the Athletics AI shut down the Rangers offense. The Athletics won 21-5, and just like that a team that had lost to the AI multiple times in preseason was now in the World Series.

Their final opponents were the arms-and-speed based Montana Floss. The Floss were another defense-focused team, but they boasted a weaker defense than the Boston Cubs coupled with a surprisingly stronger offense (based largely on their coach’s predilection for the foul ball). Game 1 saw the Athletics AI once again stand tall, allowing only 7 runs to the Floss, while their offense produced again to give the Athletics a 13-8 win and the series lead. They lost it in the next game, however, as their 10-game winning streak was brought to an end in a very close 13-12 loss. Game 3 saw them return to their winning ways as their AI held the Floss to 4 runs and they won 12-2, but a reshuffling of their AI defense due to nerfs in Game 4 tied the series again when both teams had their best offensive performances so far (the Floss won 29-16). This brought the series to a decisive game 5, and as they’d done so many times this season, the Athletics rose to the occasion, winning the final game 21-14 and becoming the champions.

It was a long road, but the Athletics did the best they possibly could. They played 23 (official) games, won 18 of them, and got better throughout the season. It was an impressive effort by MelloMathTeacher, and it shows the power analysis can have when utilized properly. Hats off to Mello, Fello, and the entire Junior Athletics team: they deserve this win.

What they said: “It was a really wild and unexpected ride that I’m glad that I got to experience once, and don’t have any burning desire to do again. It took hours upon hours of grinding, practice, and study, and I needed every last one of them to pull it off, to the point where it was really eating up time I probably would have been better off spending with more relaxing activities. So that’s how I’ll spend future seasons after I take my break on the next one. The series win was, to be quite honest, a miracle. My A’s always seemed to be in favorable matchups; never facing any hyper-offensive teams that can hit over our incredibly strong defense with consistency. I do not think that we are necessarily the best team, or me necessarily the best coach. But we beat the teams in front of us and left no doubt. For that, I’m incredibly satisfied. I finished the season with prideful tears in my eyes. I was far too busy to write in my season journal due to real life work, but I think my players’ personalities shone through beautifully in the discord and the quotes. I’ll miss them a ton. I’m so glad they could experience this storybook of an ending. I’ll treasure them forever no matter who I play with in the future. Thanks for a spectacular season, Junior Athletics. You’re the best team I could have hoped to play with.“

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

“This playoffs is [censored] up.” – Vissery, providing an accurate assessment of the playoffs

“I love gingers…but that’s Jibbo’s thing.” – Natetastic, Milwaukee Braves head coach, on personal preferences

“I know that spirit! But I also don’t think I’m that adventurous…” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, on gingers

“In my heart I know I can win this. In my guts I know I’m nuts.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, invoking Lyndon Baines

“Inherently I would be sad for whoever lost because I like both Mello and JBA.” – Vissery, on the World Series

“Liking JBA is what’s referred to as a ‘Vissery decision.'” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on Vissery’s poor decision-making abilities

“What the [censored] is a Vissery decision? Are you saying my opinions are bad?” – Vissery, taking umbrage

“I’m gonna drop the highest-scoring player on my fantasy football team for someone off the waiver wire! That’ll improve my chances for sure!” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, providing an example of a Vissery decision

“This might be the lowest scoring World Series in BBL history.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, predicting a defensive struggle

“The dream’s still alive. The World Series could be won by a team with a losing record.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, being hopeful

“Oh my god he’s unstoppable.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, Boston Cubs head coach, on the Junior Athletics winning Game 1

“Honestly this whole postseason is just vindicating to see everyone struggling with the team that [censored] me off. I honestly can’t believe I scored more against the A’s than the Giants.” – Vissery, on the Junior Athletics’ postseason run

“I don’t understand BBL anymore.” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, continuing to struggle with the reality that a Frontyard team could win it all

“The most perfectly well-rounded team technically is the one that’s doing the best.” – Vissery, explaining the BBL to crazyei8hts

“Mello has a strong defense and a treacherous [censored] infield.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on struggling against the Junior Athletics

“I guess I just got better at the game. I think it might have been facing the Cubs that got me to reach this realization.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on his team’s consistent improvement

“I want the Floss to lose.” – Vissery, on his rooting interest in the World Series

“What if I drafted not just one Albert Pujols, but two Albert Pujolses?” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, providing an example of a Vissery decision

“You could just draft a gimmick team and steal all the first basemen or something to [censored] over everyone else who wants one.” – Vissery, on draft strategy

“Are you still upset by Jarod stealing Pujols in the first round?” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on Vissery’s draft strategies

“Quentin Driver has been drafted in the first round.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on draft strategy

“I own this server.” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, on running the server

“I born this server.” – Yurya, Green Monsters head coach, on being the commissioner

“What does that mean?” – Vissery, habitually confused

“It means there’s placenta all over his computer.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, being disgusting

“I entered this season wanting to learn as much as I could, and I have indeed learned an absolute ton. And when it carried me this far, I really want to finish the job. I’ve got practically no interest in repeating or spending more hours studying and labbing for high-pressure situations like this.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on not wanting to return for Season 8 after a hard-fought Season 7

“Doubleheaders are cool.” – Vissery, on MelloMathTeacher planning to premiere Game 2 and Game 3 on the same night

“Are you guys talking about Harry Potter?” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, quoting Vissery

“Do you have a bunch of random things I’ve said saved on your computer?” – Vissery, on being quoted by JorgesBankAccount

“He does have to quote hunt for his recaps.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on JorgesBankAccount having a bunch of random things Vissery’s said saved up

“Nobody believes in me.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, quoting Vissery

“I don’t even remember what this is from. It could be literally anything.” – Vissery, on being quoted by JorgesBankAccount

“I don’t even think.” –  JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, quoting Vissery

“I don’t even remember.” – Vissery, quoting Vissery

“I don’t even.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, quoting Vissery quoting Vissery

“Without our boosts it’s gonna look booty.” – Aesnop, Purple Sox head coach

“Is this a 2-0 series lead?” – Yurya, Green Monsters head coach, on Game 2

“Yeah. He wins on the home bonus.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on Game 2

“What was your score?” – Vissery, looking for spoilers

“12-0.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, being wrong as usual

“Is it possible we get a winner tonight?” – SilverBullet102, Little Giants head coach, looking ahead to Game 3

“Wait you scored 13.” – Vissery, on JorgesBankAccount being an idiot

“I thought I had 12! I had 12! I demand a recount!” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on being surprised with a win

“Interesting series.” – Vissery, on the World Series being tied

“Wait, no I [censored] don’t. This game was conducted fairly and legally, and anyone who says otherwise is trying to rile up tension in the community.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on wanting to keep the win

“I hate surprises. Anticipation sucks objectively. Nobody can argue with me.” – Vissery, on being predictable

“Wait so we’re 1-1 in the series?” – jlund, former Baltimore Bombers head coach, summing up the situation

“By a hair, yes.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, confirming jlund’s suspicions

“So glad I’m not bald.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on stealing a win

“4 runs. Game was almost over after 1 inning.” – Vissery, on Game 3

“I know the feeling JBA. Defense too good over there.” – Jyknight, Texas Rangers head coach, on the Montana Floss’s underwhelming Game 3 performance

“I tried so far! And got so hard! And in the end, will it even matter?” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, misquoting Linkin Park

“I wonder if this is the lowest scoring series in BBL history.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on the (comparatively) low scores produced by both teams

“Game 5 of Season 3 might score more than this entire series.” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, on history

“Paste isn’t real.” – Vissery, providing anti-Petrovich propaganda

“Ray has not seemed like the massive weakness everyone touts him as.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on Ray Tran’s fielding abilities

“That tree hugger sure knows how to handle the…uh, I think at this point the less said the better.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, trying not to get in trouble with a comment about Annie Frazier

“Bat. That’s how you get out of it.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, helping MelloMathTeacher out

“Sure. She knows how to handle the bat.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, accepting assistance

“And then you ruin it by saying she loves to send balls flying.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, ruining it

“But the balls are made of cow hide! That poor little cow…” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, trying to save it

“Sometimes when you’re no longer able to actually think is when things make the most sense.” – Vissery, on mental function

“I know that having 3 first round picks and a bunch of dregs has never worked out for anybody, but uh…anybody wanna see me try?” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, providing an example of a Vissery decision

“Home runs don’t do anything for me anymore anyway I’m all about the hits that barely go by the defense.” – Vissery, on current offensive preferences

“Give your team to hitace.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on the obvious solution

“That’s where the real dopamine is.” – Vissery, on dopamine

“Hitace or barely going by the defense?” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, asking the real questions

“I guess we’ll find out if I can start slapping that pig this weekend.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on hoping to pull off the upset

“I think you would probably get arrested if you did anything like that during the game.” – Vissery, on slapping pigs

“I haven’t eaten or gone to the bathroom since before we started…please let it be over.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on wanting a quick end to the World Series

“To quote JBA THE ATHLETICS WON!” – Yurya, Green Monsters head coach, mocking JorgesBankAccount’s penchant for paranoia and pessimism

“Wait what was Butch doing in right?!?!?” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, trying to understand why his AI defense got shuffled so much in Game 4

“Half the defense was out of position. It…created several holes.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on the shuffling of the Junior Athletics AI defense

“THAT’S the JBA I know!” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, happy that a Backyard Conference team defeated a Frontyard Conference team for only the second time this postseason

“Isn’t everyone rooting for the Athletics?” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on fandom

“I am.” – hitace, Los Angeles Dodgers head coach, on wanting the Junior Athletics to win

“I’m rooting for the As because I think that the circumstance of the entire other side of bracket was a total dumpster fire and winning off of that has me feeling indifferent even if it’s still deserved since you have to actually play well anyway in the World Series.” ­– Vissery, on rooting for the Junior Athletics

“I’m rooting for you! Backyard League represent!” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, hoping that the so-called ‘best conference’ can salvage some semblance of dignity

“I feel bad for whoever loses ’cause I know someone’s gonna be really sad.” – Vissery, on Game 5

“Is that someone you?” – jlund, former Baltimore Bombers head coach, on sorrow

“It’s going to be me.” – Jyknight, Texas Rangers head coach, on sorrow

“So right now we’re 2-2 in the series can’t wait to see takes home the prize!” – SilverBullet102, Little Giants head coach, on anticipating Game 5

“I can’t believe the entire server will close after the World Series is over.” – Vissery, on the imminent shutdown of the league

“Wait what?” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on being out of the loop

“It was nice knowing everyone.” – Yurya, Green Monsters head coach and commissioner, saying goodbye

“It’s been fun, but gotta quit while you’re ahead.” – jlund, former Baltimore Bombers head coach, echoing the prevailing sentiment

“Marky probably has a goat. Does that count?” – Vissery, on Marky’s farm animals

“Didn’t Season 6 go to a 5th game too?” – Natetastic, Milwaukee Braves head coach, on full-length World Series

“JBA knows this feeling too well.” – Aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, on JorgesBankAccount being in a 5-game World Series for the second season in a row

“I’m all about that drama. Why do you think I write the recaps?” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on dramatic endings

“In my own sheets.” – Vissery, on…who even knows at this point

“That literally makes no sense.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, on Vissery’s sheets

“Who says rookies can’t win?” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on the Junior Athletics winning the World Series

“I give massive credit to all the veterans who have helped me with drafting and putting together detailed position rankings that didn’t exist yet just to ensure my plans were solid.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, giving credit to everyone who help him craft his team

“We’ve done it! Our hard work finally paid off!” – Wendy Parsons, Junior Athletics

“Sally puts her place in BBL history as the first individual player to get 3 championship titles, while the Athletics are the second team to win 2 championship titles.” –  Vissery, on history

“This team has more maturity and discipline than I had ever seen. It’s truly admirable.” – Sally Dobbs, Junior Athletics

“Maturity and discipline? Nah. Kick up the music!” – Wendy Parsons, Junior Athletics, on partying partying yeah

“WOMP BA DO NI MA, NO BOMP BOMP BOMP!” – Ray Tran, Junior Athletics, still unable to correctly sing the opening line to Tutti Frutti

“I beat Mello and the As in the preseason, so clearly the Melonheads are the true champions here.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, hoping for playoff glory

“I beat Mello and the As in the postseason.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, not having any of it

“We’ve achieved what we set out to do. It’s time to finally relax.” – Todd Xavier, Junior Athletics starting pitcher, on winning the World Series

“I’m not here without Todd.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on Todd Xavier’s consistently great performances

“This all happened because aesnop subbed for the Marlins that one time.” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, on the final outcome of the season

“Does this mean that hitace may have gotten Mello the championship? The Dodgers were the only team to play the Athletics and not lose to them.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on the Dodgers forfeiting in the playoffs

“Dodgers would have won the World Series.” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, on what could have been

“Hitace literally murdered you and then quit. That’s the gigachad move.” – Vissery, to aesnop, on the Purple Sox getting double-50’d in the first round of the playoffs

“We’re the best, guys. You’re the best. What a wild ride.” – Wendy Parsons, Junior Athletics

“This definitely has the most random pinned messages of any season chat.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, on the unusual statements that were emphasized this season

“I’m just…stunned. I can’t believe we did this.” – Butch Sherrod, Junior Athletics, on winning the World Series

“I hate new coaches.” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, on new coaches

“…because they beat you?” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, guessing why

“Because people like YOU waddle in and [censored] up and win everything while I sit in a dark corner and cry about my backyard baseball skills!” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, on depression

“I mean you did beat the Dodgers Marco.” – Vissery, trying to comfort Marco by bringing up the highlight of the Yankees’ 7-7 season

“I win everything.” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, playing two degrees of separation to try and claim the championship trophy

“I could not imagine a more fun, more rewarding season with a better crew of kids. I’m so proud of you all. It’ll be hard to see you guys go to a bunch of different teams, but that’s how it works. But know that we’ll forever be united in our hearts. We’ll see each other again and have plenty of fun. But for now, it’s time we went our own paths. Enjoy yourselves.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, bidding his team farewell

“Frontyard proves if you can dream it you can do it.” – SilverBullet102, Little Giants head coach, on the champions

“Thanks for the season.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach and World Series champion, on Season 7

“ROBBED! TOM GLASS ROBBED!” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, upset about the Ace Wilson voting results

“More like broken glass.” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, mocking Tom Glass

“TOM GLASS WENT 4TH? WHAT YHR HRCK! This is robbery.” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, even more upset about the Ace Wilson voting results

“…you didn’t vote for him as your first place choice, did you, Marco.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, pointing out the obvious

“I didn’t vote at all!” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, spitting on democracy

“MVP and Ace voting were kinda snoozeville. They were just so dominant.” – Vissery, on the obvious choices for those two awards

“It wouldn’t have been if Tom Glass somehow won it. It’s your own fault!” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, shifting the blame for Tom Glass’s fourth place finish in the Ace Wilson voting

“Yaaaaaaaayyyyyy! I’m so honored!” – Courtney Valentino, Junior Athletics, on getting a vote for MVP

“Four of the seven MVP winners in BBL history have had their names start with a J.” – Vissery, on history

“Life’s not fair Jay, life’s not fair.” – Mavfatha, Baltimore Orioles head coach, on Jay Green winning The Jocinda

“I think I’ll trade with Aesnop!” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on drafting

“I love you all! Bye, everyone!” – Courtney Valentino, Junior Athletics, closing the book on Season 7

Welcome to Round 2, everyone! This time, four get whittled down to two, and believe you me when I say that the final two are not whom anyone would’ve predicted at the start of the season. Plus, the Consolation Tournament has concluded (not least because Eauxps is impatient and likes to play a lot…yeah, it went by much faster than the playoff bracket). Who won? Who lost? Read on and find out!

LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND

#1 Arizona Diamondbacks (15-2, Indoor Conference) vs. #2 Los Angeles Dodgers (12-4, Frontyard Conference)

The first round of the playoffs saw the Dodgers pull off a gigantic upset that left everyone stunned. However, as the second round approached, shock turned to anticipation as the league eagerly waited to see if the Dodgers would once again pull off the upset as they took on the team with the best record in any conference in the Arizona Diamondbacks. In this instance, they wouldn’t, but not due to on-field performances.

Hitace had been busy with work entering this series (and actually out of town on a trip), and while the coach hoped to play at the start of November, an inopportune death (that of his girlfriend’s grandmother) would have kept the Dodgers’ coach out of town for another week to attend the funeral; this, combined with how hitace’s work had apparently scheduled another work trip, meant that at the earliest the Los Angeles Dodgers would be playing in mid-November. Consequently, hitace chose to forfeit rather than string the season out for another couple weeks (at least).

This forfeit would’ve led to the Arizona Diamondbacks facing off against the Purple Sox, because when a team forfeits in the playoffs the next best team (or the one they beat previously) moves on, but problems cropped up for Sisu, and he was forced to forfeit due to his own issues. This would’ve sent the series to the losers of the previous round (the Purple Sox and Montana Floss), but Purple Sox coach aesnop felt as though he didn’t deserve to be in the series due to having lost so decisively to the Los Angeles Dodgers. Consequently, the Montana Floss were given a free ticket to the World Series, and instead of making the moral choice and declining, I took the second (well, with how the Montana Floss’s season has gone, it’s more like the fifth) chance at the championship.

Montana Floss move on to the World Series…wrap your head around that one.

Series MVP: There are no winners here. Only losers. (Well, I mean, I technically won, but it’s a hollow victory.) So let’s dedicate this space to hitace’s girlfriend’s grandmother. Though it’s likely none of us know her, she’s still in our hearts, and we mourn her death. Rest in peace.

#2 Texas Rangers (12-5, Indoor Conference) vs. #1 Junior Athletics (13-3, Frontyard Conference)

Game 1: Junior Athletics at Texas Rangers (Big City Stadium)
The main question entering this series was whether the Rangers would keep up the momentum and manage to crack the Athletics defense. It was answered in this game that they could, as they won their game by a score of 14-2, which came out to a prorated run differential of 14. Unfortunately for them, the Athletics kept the momentum going and cracked the Rangers defense wide open as they put up a 22-1 win boosted by a 10 run 6th inning that blew the Rangers out of the water and gave the Athletics the series lead.

Junior Athletics 21, Texas Rangers 14

Game 2: Texas Rangers at Junior Athletics (Big City Stadium)
The Athletics kept their offense rolling, relying on steals, base hits, and a bevy of errors from the Rangers defense (14 in total) to once again put up a big game, this one a 20-3 win that with proration gave them another run differential of 21. This would’ve been enough for them to win any game this season; that stayed the case in this game, as the Rangers flopped offensively, putting up a 5-0 score that was nowhere near what they needed to keep pace. The Athletics won the series, and roll into the World Series as the only team not to have taken a loss in the postseason.

Junior Athletics 21, Texas Rangers 5

Junior Athletics win series 2-0

Series MVP: It seems like every series brings a new hero from the Athletics. This time, it was Sally Dobbs, who stepped up and blasted, going 8-for-10 with a pair of grand slams and 11 RBIs in Game 2 alone. She was absolutely on fire, helped to push them forward, and has once again proven herself an asset to any team she’s on. While a bit disappointed at not being able to face off against her brother in the World Series due to unfortunate problems with the Los Angeles Dodgers, she’s still happy to be there, and looking to help the Junior Athletics hoist the trophy at the end of the season.

WORLD SERIES PREVIEW

It’s finally here! The championship! And it’s between two teams that nobody would have predicted to be here at the start of the season…or the start of the playoffs…or up until the match was finally set, actually. It’s been a long, strange road for both of these teams, but only one of them can win the World Series. It’s a best-of-five series, so it just depends on which team can crack three wins first.

Junior Athletics
Coach: MelloMathTeacher
Record: 11-3 (15-3 including playoffs)
Runs per game: 11.1 (12.1 including playoffs), 3rd Frontyard Conference
Runs allowed per game: 5.0 (5.7 including playoffs), 1st Frontyard Conference

The Athletics have proven the doubters wrong. They’ve never been a great offense, but they were always a good defense, with the only caveat to their performance being that they were in the Frontyard Conference. At this point, that caveat has fallen away, with them winning 4 straight playoff games (and losing none) largely on the strength of their defense, which held opposing offense to single digits in 3 of those games. Their defense has been solid time and time again, and has been almost impenetrable, with only two different teams (the Los Angeles Dodgers in Week 9 and the Texas Rangers in Game 1 of the Championship Series) able to even score more than 10 runs on them. And that’s before we get into their offense. Sure, the Athletics aren’t really considered an offensive powerhouse, but they’ve never needed to be, and you can’t really expect a defense-focused team with two black holes in the lineup (Todd Xavier and Butch Sherrod) to be a transcendent offense. But they’ve been a solid offense, and they’ve been scoring in the double-digits on a fairly consistent basis. You’d expect a first-year coach to struggle to score runs with a team like this, but that hasn’t been the case; in fact, if anything, MelloMathTeacher has taken this offense to its full potential, especially in the playoffs.

Montana Floss
Coach: JorgesBankAccount
Record: 6-8 (9-10 including playoffs)
Runs per game: 16.3 (18.0 including playoffs), 5th Backyard Conference
Runs allowed per game: 15.9 (16.5 including playoffs), 2nd Backyard Conference

The plot of Clerks (insofar as there is a plot) is set off when one of the main characters has to work at his minimum-wage convenience store job when it’s supposed to be his day off. In response to this, he repeatedly proclaims “I’m not even supposed to be here today!” That’s exactly how we should view the Montana Floss: they’re not even supposed to be here. And I don’t mean that as a compliment or a Cinderella story; no, instead I’m referring to the fact that they really shouldn’t be here. They were 4-7 11 games into the season. Then somehow the play-in games for the final playoff seed came down to three teams that were 6-8. Even though the Floss managed to claw their way past the other two teams to make it in, they were then eliminated from the playoffs by the Diamondbacks. It took the other three teams in their side of the bracket forfeiting for them to get to the World Series. The Montana Floss are not that good of a team; it’s just that everyone in their way has fallen on their face at some point to allow the Floss to pass. If the Floss want to win, they’ll need that to happen again, but how much luck can one team possibly possess?

Prediction
I’d like to believe that the team I run is going to win the World Series. But I can’t. That’s not just because I’m pessimistic–it’s because the Junior Athletics are the better team. They’ve got a stronger defense, their offense is solid, they’ve got momentum, and perhaps most importantly, they’re playing their best baseball in the playoffs. The only thing the Montana Floss have on their side is that an extraordinary number of outcomes have had to fall their way for them to even be here–they could win the World Series with an overall .500 record when the playoffs are included.

The Athletics have just been a better team overall and especially in the playoffs. They’ve ripped through their side of the bracket, they’re fueled up and ready, and their overall a better team. I’m reluctant to predict a sweep, but I’m fairly certain the Junior Athletics will win. I’ll say Athletics in 4.

CONSOLATION TOURNAMENT SECOND ROUND

With the first round of the consolation tournament in the books, the second round commenced. Who would be the champion of the leftovers? Well, among the ones that volunteered to try, there were only four standing, and they’d soon be whittled down to two, facing off against each other in a best-of-five series. Before that, though, were two best-of-three series that went the distance.

Baltimore Bombers vs. Boston Reds
Theme: Black and Red!

These two Indoor Conference teams had vastly different seasons, with the only thing in common being their color schemes. The Baltimore Bombers had spent the season as an also-ran in constant turmoil, working their way to a 9-5 record and posting consistently solid performances despite a midseason coaching change and some minor difficulties adjusting to the league from the new coach. Meanwhile, the Boston Reds had no turnover and were also fairly consistent, but in the other direction, as they finished 3-10 with the second-worst defenses in the Indoor Conference. They were trending in the same direction entering this series, however, and that direction is upwards! The Boston Reds were coming off a sweep of the Seattle Fishes, and this surprisingly good performance combined with shrewsbury’s consolation win the previous season had given the Reds good press. Meanwhile, the Bombers were coming off of a sweep as well, this one against the strong Minnesota Twins of the Frontyard Conference, and the question for them was whether their steady performances would allow them to get past Boston.

Game 1: Boston Reds at Baltimore Bombers (Scrapco Field)
Because the Bombers had been better in the regular season, they were allowed to choose whether they wanted to play more games at home or on the road. They took home-field advantage, and in the first game the Reds made them pay for it. Once again, the Reds offense came alive, putting up 13 runs in a shutout win, while their defense held again, holding the Bombers to only 8 runs (although their AI offense was shut out) and taking a 13-9 win that gave them the series lead.

Boston Reds 13, Baltimore Bombers 9

Game 2: Baltimore Bombers at Boston Reds (The Paveway)
With the series lead in hand, the Reds returned to The Paveway in the hopes of closing out the series and moving on to the Consolation Championship. Unfortunately for them, the Bombers had other ideas, as Baltimore produced a steady stream of hits as they scored 12 runs. The Reds offense wasn’t able to keep up, as they only won their game 5-1, and the series returned to Scrapco Field for one final deciding game.

Baltimore Bombers 12, Boston Reds 5

Game 3: Boston Reds at Baltimore Bombers (Scrapco Field)
This last game would require a strong performance from the winner, and the Reds offense definitely did their best, scoring better than it usually did with 10 runs (albeit while giving up a run). This wasn’t enough, however, as the Baltimore Bombers also whipped out a massive offensive performance, scoring 14 runs in a home shutout win that allowed them to easily breeze past the Reds. This gave the Bombers the series win and sent them to the Consolation Tournament Championship.

Baltimore Bombers 16, Boston Reds 9

Baltimore Bombers win series 2-1

Red Phillies vs. Super-Duper Melonheads
Theme: Don’t Get Defensive!

These two teams had very little in common. While the Red Phillies were one of the highest-scoring teams in the Backyard Conference and had the third-best offense overall, the Super-Duper Melonheads were the lowest-scoring team in the Indoor Conference and had the second-worst offense overall. While the Red Phillies had been part of the play-in games for the final seed from the Backyard Conference, the Super-Duper Melonheads had been the first team eliminated from playoff contention. But while they didn’t have much in common, there were two big similarities: both had swept their first-round opponents in the Consolation Tournament, and both had absolutely putrid defenses. Still, the Red Phillies defense hadn’t seemed to have many problems against the slowpoke Milwaukee Braves, and the Super-Duper Melonheads had no trouble with another slowpoke team in the Humongous Hornets. The question was whether the Melonheads’ offense would come alive for more than one game–and even if it did, would it be enough against the expected Phillies onslaught?

Game 1: Super-Duper Melonheads at Red Phillies (Playground Commons)
The answer in Game 1 was that the Melonheads offense did not come alive and their defense did not hold up. While the Melonheads had a fantastic offensive performance at the Phillies home field of Playground Commons (with the Phillies having been given the choice of whose home field to start at and choosing their own) by putting up 14 runs, their player-controlled defense was absolutely putrid, allowing 7 runs and keeping their overall score down. Not that it mattered all that much; the Phillies put together a 17-1 win to easily take the first game of the series and carry tons of momentum to the Melonheads’ home field in Game 2.

Red Phillies 19, Super-Duper Melonheads 7

Game 2: Red Phillies at Super-Duper Melonheads (Casa de Pablo)
La Chancla has a reputation for being a wonderful place to visit and a horrible place to make your home. That was not the case in this one, however. While the Melonheads once again put up a good offensive performance, this time their player-controlled defense didn’t falter, and they ended up winning their side of the battle 12-0 for a prorated final score of 14. Meanwhile, the Phillies struggled mightily, as their offense was held to 6 runs (their lowest score of the year) in a game where they gave up two runs of their own, and the matchup moved to a decisive Game 3 at Playground Commons.

Super-Duper Melonheads 14, Red Phillies 4

Game 3: Super-Duper Melonheads at Red Phillies (Playground Commons)
For perhaps the first time ever, the Melonheads offense was finally consistent, as they put up their third output of 14 runs or more in a row. In this case, it was a 15-2 score against the Phillies at Playground Commons–but with how good the Phillies offense usually is, this wasn’t going to be enough to win, especially once the Melonheads’ lacking defense was taken into account. Or so you’d think, as the Melonheads defense finally had a good performance, holding the Phillies to a mere two runs and allowing the Super-Duper Melonheads to advance to the Consolation Tournament Championship with a huge Game 3 win.

Super-Duper Melonheads 13, Red Phillies 2

Super-Duper Melonheads win series 2-1

CONSOLATION TOURNAMENT CHAMPIONSHIP
This battle between two Indoor Conference teams was very interesting. The Super-Duper Melonheads had been the worst team in the Indoor Conference by almost every measure, only scoring 10 runs once and usually being fairly easy to beat, but they had been performing at the highest level since preseason and had become a formidable foe in the Consolation Tournament. The Baltimore Bombers had been a fairly consistent team, usually being somewhat tough to beat and finishing with a respectable 9-5 record and third place in the Indoor Conference–despite a midseason coaching change and other tumult around them–that had carried their consistently good performances into the Consolation Tournament. Since the Bombers had the better run differential in-season, they were allowed to choose which team’s field would be used to host three of the possible five final games, and choose to take their home field as the main site.

Game 1: Super-Duper Melonheads at Baltimore Bombers (Scrapco Field)
The Bombers were 5-2 at home in the regular season and 2-1 in the Consolation Tournament, and they continued their winning ways at Scrapco in Game 1. This time, the fault lay with the Melonheads, who dropped off from their recent strong performances by posting a 7-1 score; admittedly better than their regular season average, but not good enough to beat most teams. This was the case with Baltimore, who put together a 12-2 performance for a prorated 12-run score and a 12-6 win that gave them the initial lead in the Consolation Tournament Championship.

Baltimore Bombers 12, Super-Duper Melonheads 6

Game 2: Baltimore Bombers at Super-Duper Melonheads (Casa de Pablo)
The Melonheads sudden difficulties continued in the return to La Chancla. This time, they won 3-0, a score that would’ve been easy to top for most teams; with Casa de Pablo’s strange affinity for visiting teams in play, the Bombers instead put together an even better performance than in Game 1, beating the AI Melonheads 16-0. This meant a 16-3 win for the Bombers and a 2-0 lead that put them just one win away from taking the Consolation Tournament Championship.

Baltimore Bombers 16, Super-Duper Melonheads 3

Game 3: Super-Duper Melonheads at Baltimore Bombers (Scrapco Field)
Since the series was alternating between home fields, this game took place at the Bombers’ home of Scrapco. Once again, the Bombers performed well, producing an 11-0 win that translated to a run differential of 13. The Melonheads would need to return to their early form in the tournament if they wanted to win; unfortunately for them, they didn’t. Instead, for the first time in actual play (the regular season or the Consolation Tournament) they failed to defeat the AI, falling 1-0 to the Bombers. This meant the Bombers won the game–and the series–very easily.

Baltimore Bombers 13, Super-Duper Melonheads -1

Baltimore Bombers win series 3-0

Consolation MVP: Esther French of the Baltimore Bombers was the strongest performer in the consolation tournament, and her strong play coupled with great outings when it mattered most (3 home runs in the Championship series, including 2 in Game 3) meant that she was the most valuable player on the Bombers. It’s a well-deserved award, and it’s nice to see Repub go home with at least some reward for a replacement season that was very well played. Congratulations, Repub!

ODE TO THE ELIMINATED

We’re down to our final two. The Montana Floss and Junior Athletics are definitely going to buckle down as they fight for the championship…but what about those other teams who came so very, very, very close to glory?

Los Angeles Dodgers
Coach: hitace
Record: 10-4 (2nd place, Frontyard Conference)
Preseason projections: 8-6 4th place (crazyei8hts), 7th place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

There’s a certain symmetry in how the Dodgers tenure under hitace began and how it ended. Yes, technically Jarod Johnson played the first two games, but technically he cheated and those games were temporarily turned into forfeits, until hitace arrived before Week 3 ended and played three games, two of which counted. The first of those three games, that Week 1 game against the Devil Rays? Their coach chose to keep the forfeit win in what was really a pretty smart move. But since hitace’s tenure began with a Dodgers forfeit, it’s somewhat interesting that it ended in the same way.

Before we get to that, though, it’d be better to cover the Los Angeles Dodgers’ meteoric and unlikely season. It starts with the draft, where Jarod Johnson decided to draft an offense-heavy lineup–and offense-heavy it was. This was not a defense-oriented team in any way aside from having plenty of pitchers on their roster, and they’d need to win by outscoring their opponents. When Jarod’s cheating scandal broke, however, it looked like they’d be dead in the water. Replacement coaches usually do poorly, and it was unlikely that the Dodgers would buck this trend.

And then they did, with hitace coming in and instantly putting up huge scores. The Dodgers did falter some against teams with great pitching (their worst games were against the Little Giants and Junior Athletics, who both have fantastic starters–and, for some reason, the New York Yankees). The newcomer took advantage of the offense-heavy lineup to absolutely devastate the Frontyard Conference at almost every turn, and even though they made the playoffs their 10-4 record actually understates how good they were; three of their losses came under unusual circumstances, with one being the aforementioned Week 1 forfeit, one being their Week 6 Dirt Yards bout against the Twins where both teams scored over 25 runs, and the last being their Week 11 game against the Florida Marlins where aesnop substituted for the Marlins’ coach and went full speed ahead (with hitace’s permission, of course).

After 14 games, the Dodgers were tied for the second seed from the Frontyard with the Minnesota Twins, and they seemed to shift into a higher gear at that point. In the play-in game against the Twins, they scored 30 runs and hit 14 homers (a season-high tally). That was apparently just a warm-up, as in their first game against the Purple Sox as the away team at Steele Stadium (the Los Angeles Dodgers and Purple Sox both had Steele Stadium as their home field, so the series took place entirely at Steele Stadium, providing Dodgers member Ernie Steele with a permanent home boost) the Dodgers won 59-0 in the first non-aesnop 50 recorded in the restricted era. They followed this up with another 50 (this one a 42-0 win aided by home proration) to defeat the Diamondbacks.

This all happened within the span of a week, and the Dodgers were then treated to a long break as they waited for the Diamondbacks-Floss series to conclude. When it finished, their coach was out of town and busy, but hoped to play early in November. Those hopes were dashed when there was a death in the family, however, and hitace was out of commission for a bit longer in order to deal with a funeral and work. This resulted in hitace choosing to forfeit rather than extending the playoffs even more, and ended the Dodgers season in the same manner it began.

So what did the Dodgers do right? Well, they hit the crap out of the ball and made up for their remarkably poor defense (one largely rooted in one of the worst catchers possible in Gretchen Hasselhoff). They were a strong team that was a tough out. They routinely were one of the teams to watch, and were one of the most interesting storylines of the season. Would they have fallen at some point? Perhaps, but as far as this season goes, the Dodgers went about as far (if not farther) than they could reasonably be expected to go.

It’s really a shame that the Dodgers season ended this way. The Dodgers were one of the big surprises of the season, and once again proved that rookies can come in and be good (especially if given a bit of time to adjust). They were on fire in the playoffs, and looked like they might actually win it all. To be taken out by an opponent is one thing, but by real life catastrophe? That’s really disappointing. There’s always next season, of course, but it’s sad to see Los Angeles go down this way.

Texas Rangers
Coach: Jyknight
Record: 10-4 (2nd place, Indoor Conference)
Preseason projections: 8-6 4th place (crazyei8hts), 1st place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

Speaking of teams that had surprisingly good seasons: Texas, everyone! Jyknight was bumped down to the Indoor Conference after a middling 6-8 Season 6 performance in the Backyard Conference. After a reasonably strong draft highlighted by the Rangers selecting Betty Houstan late to be their starting pitcher, the Rangers began play and set the Indoor Conference on fire.

Okay, that’s not quite accurate. The Rangers were rarely a great defense or a great offense. What they were, however, was a team that always did enough to win. They were just good enough offensively and defensively to snatch 10 straight wins to start the season, and this made them the first team to clinch a playoff spot. With momentum and luck on their side, it looked like the Texas Rangers were going to be a tough team to bring down.

And then all that luck ran out. They finished their season on a four-game losing streak that looked especially bad as they entered the playoffs as their final two games of the season saw them outscored by a combined 55 runs (Diamondbacks: 28-2, Angels: 30-1). Suddenly, the Rangers went from a reasonably strong team that was always a step ahead of their competition to looking like an easy out for the similarly struggling Wombats.

Game 1 of the first round went to the Wombats, who won by 11. But it was then that the Rangers turned it around, first with a 50-run outing at Dirt Yards (the third one so far in the playoffs, the third one that hasn’t been accomplished by aesnop, and the only one not involving aesnop or aesnop’s opponent) and then with a close win at Casa De Pablo that allowed them to advance and face off against the Junior Athletics. Unfortunately for them, that was the end of the line as far as lucky breaks went, as the Junior Athletics were just too much; the Athletics offense took advantage of several errors by the Rangers AI and a somewhat weak catcher to put up two games of more than 20 runs, and Texas just wasn’t able to crack their defense and ended up falling just short.

The question becomes how to assess the Rangers. It seems pretty clear that they overachieved; they weren’t a great offense, or a great defense, but they got lucky breaks when they needed them. On the other hand, this might just be narratives speaking, since they seemed pretty good when they were 10-0 and if you ignore the massive blowouts they suffered in their last two games they were a lot better (those two games did a lot to drive up their runs allowed and put a lid on their runs scored). The Rangers are tough in that sense to measure; they were never truly great, no matter what their record said, but neither were they in any sense mediocre. They were basically good enough until they weren’t–but isn’t that the case for almost every team that makes the playoffs?

Still, that is what really needs to be addressed when it comes to the future. The Rangers were good enough to win on a regular basis, but they were highly luck-dependent–because consistency was their biggest bugaboo. They scored in the double digits 8 times in the regular season and went 7-1 in those games, and scored in the single digits 6 times and went 3-3. More importantly, while there were 4 games where they scored 15 runs or more (3-1), they also suffered 3 games where they failed to score 5 runs (1-2). This inconsistency bedeviled them in the playoffs; against the Wombats, they posted scores of 4, 47, and 15, while against the Athletics they posted scores of 14 and 5. That’s really the underlying narrative of the Rangers’ season, and the thing they need to fix to do well in a season with fewer lucky breaks: more consistent scoring (although I should note that it needs to be more consistently scoring 10+ runs, rather than the reverse).

Arizona Diamondbacks
Coach: Sisu
Record: 13-1 (1st place, Indoor Conference)
Preseason projections: 5-9 6th place (crazyei8hts), 7th place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

The Diamondbacks are the third team on this list that shocked everyone. As a relative newcomer to the league, Sisu wasn’t expected to be the most competent player around, especially when he was placed in the Indoor Conference, but he and his team managed to shock everyone this season with their amazing performances. His team only lost one game (a 4-run road loss to the then-undefeated Texas Rangers), finished with the best run differential across all three leagues, and was utterly monstrous in all aspects of the game.

In the draft, the Diamondbacks had a decisively defensive focus. While there were some heavy hitters and speedsters taken, most of the focus was on defense, with their best offensive players also being solid defensively and some of their weaker defensive players holding down less important positions and freeing up the construction of the team. The defense was expected to be strong, but there were questions about how well the Diamondbacks would fare on offense, with many predicting Sisu to get bogged down on the lower end of the batting order.

Those worries turned out to be unwarranted, however, with Sisu carrying his defense-focused team to unbelievable heights on offense. Led by league MVP Jay Green, the Diamondbacks were a consistent force, with their only single-digit score being a 7-run outings in Week 1 and Week 4 (both games they won) and consistent scores in the mid-teens in the first half of the season. They only got better from there, as after losing to the Rangers when Texas put up 19 runs at Dirt Yards, Arizona only scored less than 20 runs in a single regular season game from that point on (14 runs against the Super-Duper Melonheads in Week 11). While this was to some extent due to the Diamondbacks seeing a few games where they got very lucky with boosts to some of their worse offensive players, the boosts alone don’t explain how utterly fantastic the Diamondbacks were in the second half of the season.

Of course, this focus on offense shouldn’t minimize how good the defense was. Besides having Ace Wilson runner-up Randy Johnson on the mound, the Diamondbacks were a massively difficult team to face as an offense, as they only allowed 10 runs or more to score on three instances: Week 7, against the Rangers at Dirt Yards, Week 10 against the Bombers where Bombers coach Repub92 used power-ups (due to the ban not having been explained to him), and Week 14 against the Fishes. This doesn’t even scratch the surface of their dominance, however, as they held their opponents to scores of 5 or less a whopping ten times over the course of the season.

When the season ended, the Arizona Diamondbacks had the top offense in the Indoor Conference, the top defense in the Indoor Conference, and the highest run differential in the entire league. They were the only non-Backyard team expected to win their first-round playoff matchup, and they delivered in a tight three-game series where the Montana Floss seemingly got all the breaks but couldn’t do enough to keep up with Arizona. With a first-round win under their belt, the Diamondbacks were then scheduled to take on the Los Angeles Dodgers in what promised to be the highest-scoring series in the playoffs. After the Dodgers forfeited, it looked like Arizona would take on the Purple Sox, but personal issues (including a conflict over how the league was run) led Sisu to choose to forfeit as well, ending the Diamondbacks season just short of what could’ve been an incredible championship run.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

“You can provide all the context you want but I will take it out of context for as long as I find it amusing.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach and writer of recaps, on the quotes of the week

“WHY IS IT LIKE FIVE DEGREES IN MY HOUSE?” – Vissery, on temper temper temperature

“Indoor Gang rise up! Although I think the odds favor a Frontyard Big Winner.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, on the playoffs

“I spent three or four days sulking because Sisu beat me.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on poor coping mechanisms

“A’s with over 20 runs is nigh-unbeatable.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, on the Junior Athletics’ offensive production in Game 1

“He’s unstoppable. Out of control math teacher. Off the rails.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, Boston Cubs head coach, on the Junior Athletics winning Game 1

“What kind of cruel joke is it that the stadium replays errors and misplays?” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, taking issue with the scoreboard operator at Big City Stadium

“Pretty good start.” – jibbodahibbo, on the Texas Rangers’ 5-0 lead in Game 2

“Oh. It’s the 6th.” – jibbodahibbo, on seeing what inning the Texas Rangers were in when they got that lead

“How is this happening? I’m so dumbfounded dude.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on sweeping the Texas Rangers and making it into the World Series

“I mean are you picking Ricky for his offensive capabilities?” – Vissery, on Goldie Glove nominee Ricky Johnson

“Yes. Because he’s awesome in general, but also good on offense. He’s got the speed to bat close to .600, fouls off bunches of pitches, and looks really cool. Plus he’s a nice guy, really good in the clubhouse.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on Goldie Glove nominee Ricky Johnson

“Get the [censored] out of here JBA you’re ruining my argument.” – Vissery, on Montana Floss head coach JorgesBankAccount’s assessment of Ricky Johnson

“Awesomeness is more important.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, being taken out of context

“Esmeralda for Goldie Glove!” – Repub92, Baltimore Bombers head coach, on his Goldie Glove suggestion

“Esmeralda wrecked has defense and was a black hole on offense.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, disagreeing strongly with Repub92’s assessment

“Lisa is the new Lisa.” – Yurya, Green Monsters head coach, on Lisa Crocket

“It’s 45 degrees outside you think I care about anything in life right now?” – Vissery, on temper temper temperature

“The idea of my team being methodically picked apart at their weakest points is about as unpleasant as anything that could happen to me in this league.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, on never wanting to play against MelloMathTeacher’s team

“I gave up.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, Boston Cubs head coach, on postseason hopes

“I’m gonna quote that. Specifically, it will read: ‘I gave up.'” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach and writer of recaps, on taking partial quotations out of context

“I didn’t give up on the playoffs, I gave up on Season 8.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, Boston Cubs head coach, attempting to provide context for his admission of surrender

“The Dodgers are immune to losing at this point I think.” – Vissery, making a prediction

“There it is, that’s the jinx.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on Vissery’s ability to make predictions

“How am I supposed to be right if you’re proving me wrong?” – Vissery, on predictions

“I thought about doing 3 World Series games against one of the two finals teams in advance, but if I end up playing the wrong team, that’s a bunch of time wasted so I can’t even do that.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on foreshadowing

“Good news: we have heard from hitace. Bad news: he won’t be able to play his games until next month.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, providing an update on hitace’s play status

“An entire month would be pretty unappealing to wait for.” – Vissery, on hitace’s play status

“Forfeit? Really? I guess we need to move on but that’s kinda sucky.” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, on the Los Angeles Dodgers forfeiting

“Forfeiting in the playoffs?” – Vissery, shocked by the Los Angeles Dodgers forfeiting

“Ronny Dobbs in absolute shambles.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, focusing on the kids as usual

“I think these playoffs are about to become an absolute mess.” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, on the Los Angeles Dodgers forfeiting

“These playoffs man.” – jibbodahibbo, Junior Brewers head coach, summing up the weirdness of Season 8

“Rollercoaster of emotion.” – Jyknight, Texas Rangers head coach, on the Season 8 playoffs

“Thought I’d be home today but things happened. Won’t be home for another two weeks at best. Forfeited so playoffs can continue.” – hitace, Los Angeles Dodgers head coach, explaining why the Dodgers forfeited

“That’s rough. I hope you’re doing alright.” – Vissery, to hitace, Los Angeles Dodgers head coach

“My girlfriend’s grandma died so we’re with her family for the funeral. Then work is sending me to Ohio for a week. Maybe more if stuff happens.” – hitace, explaining what problems arose

“Prayers and good thoughts to you man.” – Repub92, Baltimore Bombers head coach, expressing sympathy

“Sorry hitace! Life sucks sometimes. Sounds like a lot of suck all at once.” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, expressing sympathy

“I want to be clear I am not blaming you in the slightest for this; life happens and here it trumps this.” – Yurya, league commissioner and Green Monsters head coach, expressing sympathy

“Unfortunately we have another drop; Sisu is out as well for reasons I’ll keep private for him. This puts the losers of the previous series as the runners up for this side of the bracket: Montana Floss and Purple Sox…who forfeit as well I’m told.” – Yurya, league commissioner, announcing the replacements for the Los Angeles Dodgers and Arizona Diamondbacks

“Where are we at with the main stage?” – Wizard, Wizard Wombats head coach, wanting to know what’s going on

“Junior Athletics vs. Montana Floss for your championship.” – Yurya, league commissioner, announcing the World Series setup

“Wait what the hell is happening?” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, summing up the huge soap opera that was the side of the bracket without the Junior Athletics

“I’m disintegrating more and more.” – Vissery, on disintegration

“That’s a bit hard on the eyes.” – Repub92, Baltimore Bombers head coach, on Vissery’s disintegration

“It’s Vissery’s strategy for next season. They’re burning our retinas.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, Boston Cubs head coach, on Vissery’s disintegration

“Fine, fine. How about this?” – Vissery, disintegrating worse

“That’s even harder on the eyes.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on Vissery’s new disintegration

“I’m crying for sympathy, crocodiles cry.” – Robert Smith, The Cure, Disintegration

“Disintegration is the best album ever!” – Kyle Broflovski, South Park, on Disintegration

“Crazy will continue his hitting skills and I will probably wither per usual.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, expressing self-confidence after losing Game 1 to the Red Phillies

“Is that the most runs an AI has scored this season?” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, on the Super-Duper Melonheads giving up 7 runs to the Red Phillies

“Certainly against me. Pitching against the Phillies is especially annoying. It seems nothing is safe from being blasted.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, on the many powerful bats that permeate the Red Phillies lineup

“It’s difficult to pitch to a team of power hitters.” – Repub92, Baltimore Bombers head coach, commiserating with Super-Duper Melonheads head coach Eauxps I. Fourgott

“Stealing second on Stephanie seemed easy enough so I tried to steal third…wasn’t a good idea.” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, on baserunning difficulties in Game 2

“I now have more wins in this tournament than I did in the entire regular season! And have outscored my regular season high four times.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, on suddenly becoming competent when the games don’t matter

“Stuart was catching everything out there! Real rally killer.” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, praising Super-Duper Melonheads member Stuart Sullivan

“Sorry it wasn’t a fun game for you crazyei8hts.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, on the Phillies losing to the Melonheads in Game 3

“I basically had three black holes in the lineup.” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, on batting difficulties in Game 3

“Either Eauxps is playing great or he faced the two easiest teams in the tournament for him to beat.” – Vissery, on the Melonheads sudden unprecedented improvement

“Crazy isn’t hard to score on, but he’s got a strong offense. That offense suddenly vanished.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, offering an explanation for the Melonheads beating the Phillies

“I think the Hornets and Phillies slow defenses worked very well for my offense, especially Tanya [Uchida].” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, concurring with Vissery on the quality of his opposition

“Can’t believe Eauxps literally sandbagged the entire season just to beat everyone handily in Consolation Tournament.” – Vissery, suggesting a sinister explanation for Eauxps I. Fourgott’s post-regular season improvement

“I think I’m 0-3 lifetime when I play at work. Maybe I’ll wait ’til I get home next time.” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, explaining why his boss hates him

“Slow teams are the worst when you don’t hit 20 home runs a game.” – Vissery, speaking from experience

“Yeah, whatever. On to Season 8.” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, on putting the season behind him

“Was trying to shake up my lineup a little bit and it cost me.” – Repub92, Baltimore Bombers head coach, on his Game 1 strategy against the Boston Reds

“Another Game 3 incoming!” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, on the Bombers winning Game 2

“Bombers still alive.” – Repub92, Baltimore Bombers head coach, on preparing for Game 3

“At this point, whichever of the Boston Reds or Baltimore Bombers win Game 3 is certain to have the pick of home field for the final series against the Melonheads.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, on home field advantage in the Consolation Tournament Championship

“Home field for the Bombers.” – Repub92, Baltimore Bombers head coach, on home field advantage in the Consolation Tournament Championship

“Home field for Reds.” – shrewsbury, Boston Reds head coach, on home field advantage in the Consolation Tournament Championship

“Nobody likes the Casa. Marco would be proud.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, on neither the Reds nor the Bombers wanting to play up to three games at La Chancla

“Edition 2346 of ‘[Censored] Da Casa’.” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach and former denizen of Casa de Pablo, on his distaste for the field

“Well deserved win.” – shrewsbury, Boston Reds head coach, showing respect to his opponent after being defeated

“Playing against your Reds was my biggest challenge so far!” – Repub92, Baltimore Bombers head coach, showing respect to his opponent

“Congratulations on a well-played tournament, shrewbury!” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, respecting the Boston Reds

“The fact that there’s a nontrivial chance at two Indoor champions is pretty wild.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on possible outcomes

“There’s gonna be at least one!” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, on both teams in the Consolation Tournament Championship being from the Indoor Conference

“Are you guys talking about Harry Potter?” – Vissery, talking about Harry Potter

“Go [censored] yourself with a cactus.” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, to Vissery

“Been there done that my man.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, to aesnop, Purple Sox head coach

“A well-deserved Consolation win.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, congratulating the Baltimore Bombers on winning the Consolation Tournament

“Despite the outcome, I did enjoy playing against the melonheads and was fun to both participate in this season + the tourney and to watch your game. Very unfortunate nerf for Angela, that’s always a bummer but congrats to you for beating the Phillies and for doing a rematch in this final round of the consolation tournament. Also, shout out to jlund24 for drafting a solid team. Had a lot of fun and looking forward to season 8.” – Repub92, Baltimore Bombers head coach, on winning the Consolation Tournament

“Fictional pleasures vs. nonfictional suffering. Truly a conundrum.” – Vissery, on sadism

“It’s extra funny because chappe is Squidward.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, on former coach gmchappe

“Starting irrelevant conversations is the best part of streams.” – aesnop, on how he deals with a streaming opponent

“I just dm’d my crush so I’m gucci.” – SilverBullet102, Little Giants head coach, on romance

“Petition to remove the rest of playoffs and skip to Season 8 draft immediately? Nobody wins.” – Vissery, with a novel take on how to end a season

“In infrared is how we saw, the night that lit up scarecrow plots. The nerve that pinches, crippled, hobbled, frolicked, flat on its’ own face. In infrared is how we saw, the night that lit up scarecrow plots. The nerve that pinches, crippled, hobbled, frolicked, flat on its’ own face. Jigsaw pattern dominoes left a trail, the whites of their eyes, polaroids of the tale. For our amusement we bring stares to defendants, mechanical panaceas absolved by history. Phonetic paralysis inflicted through morality; the seed that it nurtured was a wilted bouquet. Temper temper temperature. Temper temper temperature.” – At the Drive-In, Rolodex Propaganda, on temper temper temperature

“IT’S SO COLD!” Vissery, on temper temper temperature

The first round is in the books! We saw a few upsets…no, that’s incorrect. We saw more than a few upsets, and the playoffs are getting nuts with just four teams left! Plus, I hear there’s a consolation tournament for those who didn’t qualify for the postseason, and it is spicy!

DIVISIONAL ROUND

#1 Purple Sox (11-3, Backyard Conference) vs. #2 Los Angeles Dodgers (10-4, Frontyard Conference)

I could try and pretend that you have to scroll down to find out what happened in this one, but I’m not gonna bury the lede. These two games were some of the first to have their results in (coming the Saturday and Sunday after the playoffs started–so almost immediately after play begain), and the results…well, it was a Dodgers sweep. Not just a sweep, but an utter dismantling of the Purple Sox.

It was a shocker. How much of a shocker? In the prediction challenge, only one person predicted the Dodgers would win this series. That person was me, and I was trying to lay out what I thought would be the easiest path for me to win it all rather than actually predict what would happen. It’s been close to a month, and I’m still trying to wrap my head around this result. We all got burned here, so it’ll be interesting to see whether the Dodgers can continue to shock the league and push for a World Series berth.

Game 1: Los Angeles Dodgers at Purple Sox (Steele Stadium)
Everyone was expecting the Purple Sox to go on a rampage against the Dodgers, in large part because Los Angeles’s catcher leaves third base open to steals from the very start of the game. This didn’t quite happen; while the Purple Sox put up a perfectly good 20-1 home win for a prorated score of 23, this was below their season average (but above their home average). As for the Dodgers, they were the first team to truly take advantage of the Purple Sox’s weak pitching. It was an absolute massacre at Steele Stadium, as they turned six innings at their home field into a 59-0 romp, smashing 14 homers (more than in any other game except for their previous game against the Twins) and finishing with 61 hits and 11 walks–so it could’ve been worse. It was a shocking upset, and the Dodgers took a 1-0 series lead.

Los Angeles Dodgers 59, Purple Sox 23

Game 2: Purple Sox at Los Angeles Dodgers (Steele Stadium)
If you thought that this would throw the Purple Sox off their game, you’d be wrong, as they put up an almost-identical performance in their “road” game at Steele Stadium. The Purple Sox once again flexed their offensive muscle to the tune of a 25-2 win, and although this was below their average score on the season, it was higher than their average score at Steele Stadium. But did this help them come back and tie the series? Absolutely not! The Los Angeles Dodgers again dragged the Purple Sox into an alleyway and wailed on them, this time scoring “only” 42 runs in 5 innings for a prorated home score of…that magical mystical 50. The Dodgers swept the Purple Sox in perhaps the biggest upset this season–and the systematic destruction of what was believed to be the toughest team in the league has many wondering whether the Dodgers are the true monsters at the end of the book.

Los Angeles Dodgers 50, Purple Sox 23

Los Angeles Dodgers win series 2-0

Up next: The Los Angeles Dodgers are going to go at it with the Arizona Diamondbacks, and I’ve got to say that after twin 50s (seriously! Two fifties in a row! Who does that? And how? And can they possibly keep that special sauce flowing?) I’m seriously considering that the Dodgers may just manage to pull off the upset. Everyone may have been projecting the Dodgers to wash out due to their awful catching situation, but uh…that script has been flipped, to say the least. The question’s changed from “can the Dodgers possibly score enough to make up for their catcher” to “can anyone score enough to catch up to the Dodgers”–and, at least as far as the Arizona Diamondbacks go, the answer is a hard “maybe.“

Series MVP: Purple Sox head coach aesnop has repeatedly expressed love for the Dodgers’ Debby Nagasawa, whom he coached in a previous season. As it turns out, the things we love are also the things that can hurt us the most, which she did, going 16-for-16 with a team-leading 8 home runs (5 in Game 1, 3 in Game 2, led the team in both games) in addition to 2 triples, 2 doubles, and 4 singles. They weren’t exactly wasted efforts, either, as she seemed to deliver in high-leverage situations, bashing in 27 RBIs (18 in Game 1, leading the team; 9 in Game 2, second only to Ronny Dobbs). Plus, she never stopped until she reached home plate, as she scored 16 times. Also of note is Ronny Dobbs, who went 15-for-15 with 7 singles, 2 doubles, 4 triples, and 2 home runs, walked once, scored 12 times (6 in each game), had 20 RBIs (10 in each game; was the second-most behind Debby in Game 1 and led the team in Game 2), and took the mound in Game 2 to pitch a 10-strikeout perfect game.

#2 Boston Cubs (10-4, Backyard Conference) vs. #1 Junior Athletics (11-3, Frontyard Conference)

This was expected to be a close fight between two strong defenses with decent offenses attached. And that it was! Both teams fought hard in this one in close, defensive matches that combined for the fewest runs seen in any of the opening playoff games! To add to the excitement, Games 1 and 2 both had their results released on the same day, the Saturday a week after the playoffs started, with Game 2 being the first playoff Matchup of the Week. Which team won? No free answers here. You’ve either got to scroll down or keep reading to find out.

Game 1: Junior Athletics at Boston Cubs (Cement Gardens)
Speaking of good defense…the AIs held up their end of the bargain at Cement Gardens. It was the player-controlled defense that had trouble not allowing runs, as both the Junior Athletics and Boston Cubs gave up three to the AI. The big difference in this one was the offenses; the Cubs were held to 8 runs in total for a prorated score of six, and while the Athletics only had a score of 7-3 going into the sixth inning they rode a five-run rally that culminated in a three-run homer from Todd Xavier of all people to an eventual 12-3 win–and a 9-6 overall total that gave them a surprising 1-0 series lead.

Junior Athletics 9, Boston Cubs 6

Game 2: Boston Cubs at Junior Athletics (Dubois Diamond)
I mentioned that this was Matchup of the Week, right? Well, Sisu nailed the choice again with this one. It’s been common for a while to state that the Week 9 bout between the Los Angeles Dodgers and Junior Athletics was the best primetime game yet, but this one definitely gave it a run for its money, as the Cubs and Athletics brawled in a tough defensive struggle. It started out well for Boston, as they took a 3-0 lead in the first inning, but the Athletics fought back to make it 3-3 entering the second. The defenses tightened up from there, as the second inning ended with the score 3-3, and while the Cubs were able to load the bases in the top of the third they didn’t score any runs. In the bottom of that inning the Athletics took a 4-3 lead, but the Cubs battled back in the top of the fourth to load the bases again only for Jorge Garcia to hit a pop-up. This 4-3 lead held until the bottom of the fifth, when with runners on the corners Athletics coach MelloMathTeacher made the gutsy call to steal second with Nan Porter and then send Sally Dobbs (on third base) home on the throw to the base. The throw was in time to prevent the steal, but when Sally Dobbs took off for home, Cubs shortstop Alex Rodriguez got antsy and tried to throw it to the plate. Sally just barely made it in time, and because Rodriguez threw the ball before he tagged Nan Porter, both runners were safe and the Athletics had a prorated 6-3 lead. This was followed by a deep fly ball from Holly Franklin that was dropped, allowing Nan Porter to sprint home all the way from second base and give the Athletics a tough-to-surmount 7-3 lead. They’d take this lead into the sixth inning, but it was there that their defense finally buckled, as the Cubs put two runners in scoring position and batted them in to cut the lead to two before suffering a strikeout and a popout with a runner on second. They needed a hero, and Lisa Crocket stepped up, slapping a line drive into the deepest part of the field that turned into an inside-the-ballpark home run when the Athletics defense had trouble getting the ball back to the infield. This tied the game, but since the home team technically had a prorated 7.2-7 lead, the Boston Cubs would need one more run–from either their AI or the player side–to win the game. Kenny Kawaguchi would need to deliver, and unfortunately for the Cubs, he didn’t, grounding out and ending the game as the Athletics took the win and the series by shutting down the Cubs AI in the bottom of the sixth.

Junior Athletics 7.2, Boston Cubs 7

Junior Athletics win series 2-0

Up next: The Junior Athletics are going to take on an opponent with a bit more of an offensive bent in the Texas Rangers, who are currently one of two teams in the postseason to have put up more than 50 runs in a playoff game. Their defense will need to stand strong again against a team that’s often done just enough to win, as the alternative is a fairly swift exit from the playoffs.

Series MVP: In a defensively-oriented struggle such as this, how could the MVP be anything other than a pitcher? Todd Xavier stood out among his teammates on the Junior Athletics, being decisive in both games. In Game 1, he wasn’t having the greatest day on the mound, as he gave up 8 hits and 3 runs while producing only four strikeouts, but he made up for it on offense, as although he went 1-for-4 with two (intentional) strikeouts, that one hit was a 3-run homer down the Cement Gardens alleyway in the 6th inning that produced the margin of victory. In Game 2, he had an average day on offense, going 1-for-2 with a single and a walk, but on the mound he was devastating, pitching a 3-hit shutout–a shutout that required him to be basically perfect for the second half of the game as the AI Cubs had a power-up in their back pocket. He delivered with 10 strikeouts, and in doing so preserved the win for the Athletics and justified his nickname of Xavier the Savior.

#3 Wizard Wombats (9-5, Backyard Conference) vs. #2 Texas Rangers (10-4, Indoor Conference)
Both of these teams had fallen into a slump to end the year, with the Wombats no longer producing the massive scores that had been their hallmark to start the season and the Rangers having lost the mojo that let them pull out wins no matter the circumstances. There were three ways this series could go: either both teams would pull out of their slumps and play a good series with the winner ready to take on their next opponent, both teams would continue to slump and play a close series with the winner a sacrifice to their next opponent, or one team would pull out of their slump, take the series easily, and be ready to face their next opponent.

Game 1: Texas Rangers at Wizard Wombats (Casa de Pablo)
It looked like the slumps would continue in this one, as the Texas Rangers once again had a tough time for the fifth game in a row. The Rangers struggled at Casa de Pablo, putting up only five runs while allowing one. The Wombats struggled as well, but their struggles (as previously mentioned) have been along the lines of producing between 12-16 runs, while the Rangers haven’t put up double digits. That was the case here, as the Wombats won their side of the game 13-0 and easily took a Game 1 win.

Wizard Wombats 15, Texas Rangers 4

Game 2: Wizard Wombats at Texas Rangers (Dirt Yards)
Dirt Yards is known as being great for offense, and it definitely sparked the Wizard Wombats, as they put up their first score over 20 at the field. In Game 2, the Wombats offense came alive, scoring 25 runs while allowing 2 to cross the plate for a final score of 23. The Wombats weren’t the only team galvanized by Dirt Yards, however, as the Texas Rangers also put together a strong performance with the aid of a gameplan developed by Junior Brewers coach jibbodahibbo. How strong? It was the third score of 50 runs or more registered in the playoffs so far, as they scored 54 runs off of 58 hits and 6 walks while allowing 3 runs to cross the plate on defense. This brought the series to a decisive game three, and also allowed me to notice this fun fact: in all three postseason games where a team has scored 50 or more, their opponent has finished with a score of 23. Perhaps that number’s cursed.

Texas Rangers 51, Wizard Wombats 23

Game 3: Texas Rangers at Wizard Wombats (Casa de Pablo)
This was the second playoff Matchup of the Week, and like most of the primetime selections this season, it was a doozy. It started off well for the Rangers, as they took a quick 2-0 lead and loaded the bases with no outs, but things went downhill from there, as a grounder turned into a double play and a 3-0 lead with a runner on third. They were unable to get another run in the top of the first, and in the bottom of the inning the Wombats AI came roaring back, using the Aluminum Bat power-up they gained from the double play to cut the Rangers’ lead to one. The non-AI Wombats then proceeded to step up, as they put together a homer-fueled 6-run inning that left them up a prorated 7-1 entering the second inning, and after the Rangers went 3 up, 3 down, the Wombats scored three more runs to take a nine-run lead into the third inning. It was then that the Rangers fought back, however, as they produced a 5-run rally capped off with a Molly May homer to left field that closed the gap to four runs. The gap widened again when Marsellus Marx hit a two-run homer in the bottom of the inning to put the Wombats up a prorated 13-6, and although they didn’t score any more runs there they shut down Texas in the top of the fourth inning, leaving them in good shape as they came up to bat again in the bottom of the fourth. That’s when things started to go poorly for the Wizard Wombats, however, as they failed to score in the bottom of the fourth and the Rangers came on like a hurricane in the top of the fifth, scoring 9 runs to give them a 15-13 lead while the Wombats gave up a run to the Rangers AI to cut their score to 12. The Wombats thus entered the bottom of the fifth needing three runs just to catch up to the Rangers, and likely many more if they wanted to keep the Rangers from overwhelming them in the top of the sixth. Their attempt at retaking the lead started out well with a Marsellus Marx single, but a Randi Uno strikeout and a Chico Pappas fielder’s choice meant that the Wombats were down to their final out in very short order. Achmed Khan was their last hope, and with a hefty swing he sent the ball into foul territory where Pete Wheeler made the catch to send the Wombats back to the dugout. Their only hope was that their AI could produce a miracle, and while the Wombats AI did score another two runs, this wasn’t enough to catch the Rangers–especially since Texas added two runs of their own.

Texas Rangers 15, Wizard Wombats 12

Texas Rangers win series 2-1

Up next: The Texas Rangers go from a weak defense to a strong one in the form of the Junior Athletics. They won this series largely on the strength of ground balls against weak arms, so the question here is whether they can have good performances against a strong-armed defense with a great infield–and more importantly, whether they’ve returned to their early-season form of doing just enough to win. If they can keep the momentum going, they’ve got a chance, but the Junior Athletics look to be tough competition for them.

Series MVP: The Rangers were going to need someone to come through for them in a big way to win this series. The surprise hero? Molly May, who was asked to hit for power throughout the series and delivered in spades. She notched plenty of hits, had plenty of RBIs, and held her own on defense to boot, keeping the Rangers in it and helping them win the series and move on to the semifinal round.

#4 Montana Floss (6-8, Backyard Conference) vs. #1 Arizona Diamondbacks (13-1, Indoor Conference)
These teams had some things in common…and a lot of things not in common. The Diamondbacks had been on cruise control for most of the season, riding a strong defense and a surprisingly good Jay Green-fueled offense to an almost perfect season, while the Floss had struggled to even make it to the playoffs. The Diamondbacks had drafted for defense and built a good offense on the side; the Floss had drafted for defense, not done too great a job at it, and built a passable offense out of foul balls and infield singles. This was also the only series where the Backyard Conference team was expected to lose, and that’s with good reason: the Diamondbacks were the stronger team in all respects. So did the Diamondbacks continue to roll, or did the Floss get lucky?

Game 1: Arizona Diamondbacks at Montana Floss (Sandy Flats)
The partial answer to that question was that the Floss got lucky in Game 1. The Diamondbacks had a solid performance at Sandy Flats, playing good offense against the Floss’ arms- and speed-heavy team and scoring 15 runs in a shutout victory. The Floss got lucky when Jason Giambi struggled through a minor leg issue that made him even slower, however; this meant that he took longer to get to the bag, meaning that the Floss could get on base more often than they should and that several throws to first base went past him, allowing them to take extra bases. In the end, the Montana Floss put together an 18-0 win off of 25 hits and 2 walks, and took Game 1 from the Diamondbacks in an upset that gave them the series lead.

Montana Floss 21, Arizona Diamondbacks 15

Game 2: Montana Floss at Arizona Diamondbacks (Dubois Diamond)
The Montana Floss continued to be lucky in Game 2, as a second-inning grand slam from Jeff Bagwell off the shed in right field put them up 8-0 and knocked superstar Diamondbacks pitcher Randy Johnson off the mound early, allowing them to collect 31 hits and a walk and turn in a 17-0 win. That wasn’t enough this time, though, as the Arizona Diamondbacks knocked Floss pitcher Brad Radke off the mound even earlier to go up an unprorated 14-0 by the end of the second inning. The Floss would’ve needed to shut out the Diamondbacks offense from that point on to win the game; they did not, and the Diamondbacks romped to a 25-0 home victory, proving that a return to Dubois Diamond was just what they needed.

Arizona Diamondbacks 30, Montana Floss 17

Game 3: Arizona Diamondbacks at Montana Floss (Sandy Flats)
Dubois Diamond may have been good for the Diamondbacks, but unfortunately for them, they had to play Game 3 at Sandy Flats. Both teams brought everything they had to bear in this one, but there was an important tipping point for the Montana Floss: the third inning. Facing a full count with two outs and a 4-0 lead in the bottom of the third inning, Floss batter Jeff Bagwell slapped the ball into center, where Jay Green dropped it, allowing two runs to score. In response to this, Randy Johnson was taken off the mound (having thrown 98 pitches at this point) and replaced with third baseman Mary Reilly. This turned the Diamondbacks defense from formidable to laughable, and by the time the inning ended, the Floss were up 15-0 and would end up winning 21-0. This prorated 25-run outing wasn’t enough, however, as the Diamondbacks absolutely slaughtered the Floss’s defense in a 27-1 rout that just barely got them past the Montana Floss and gave them a ticket to the semifinal round.

Arizona Diamondbacks 26, Montana Floss 25

Arizona Diamondbacks win series 2-1

Up next: The Diamondbacks take on the Los Angeles Dodgers at the neutral site of Big City Stadium. Will the Diamondbacks defense hold up against the Dodgers onslaught? Or will they be forced to try and outscore the offense-happy Dodgers? It’s definitely going to be a series filled with fireworks, and I for one want to see what happens.

Series MVP: You know him, you love (or loathe) him, you’ve seen what he does with Sisu at the helm. That’s right, it’s none other than Jay Green, who had yet another fantastic run of games filled with home runs and RBIs and…look, Jay Green under Sisu has been an absolute destroyer of dreams, and he destroyed mine, so pardon me if I don’t feel like praising his fantastic performances yet again. Just acknowledge that he was once again the MVP.

CONSOLATION TOURNAMENT

This season, the Consolation tournament changed its setup once again. (This is one of its charms: it’s always been fairly fluid in setup, constantly shifting to fit with the number of participants and their level of engagement.) Since there were eight participants, this time around it was decided that the Consolation Tournament would follow the basic structure of the playoffs. To make things even juicier, the matchups were chosen not based on record or runs scored or anything like that; no, in this case, the matchups were based on what made the most interesting storylines. Personally, I heartily approve of this method.

Baltimore Bombers vs. Minnesota Twins
Theme: Winners don’t lose!

These two teams were some of the stronger ones to grace the tournament–and by that, I mean that they were the only teams in the race that finished with winning records. The 9-5 Baltimore Bombers were never worldbeaters in the Indoor Conference; instead, they were a solid team that won the games they were supposed to and unfortunately lost games against stronger competition to keep them out of the playoffs. As for the Minnesota Twins, they went 10-4 in the Frontyard Conference and only missed out on the playoffs by virtue of losing a play-in game against the Los Angeles Dodgers, acquitting themselves well throughout the season and (like the Bombers) performing very solidly, even winning a couple games against the top teams in their conference. Naturally, it was expected that we’d see a good series between these two teams.

Game 1: Baltimore Bombers at Minnesota Twins (Dirt Yards)

The choice of home field was given to the team with the better record, and the Twins chose to take home field advantage, putting the game at Dirt Yards. This may have been a mistake, as the Bombers have been famously grounder-friendly at times, and it looks like the Bombers definitely were in this one, as they won their side 24-1. The Twins were unfortunately unable to keep up, as while they did post a respectable score of 12-1, it was nowhere near what they needed to beat the Bombers.

Baltimore Bombers 23, Minnesota Twins 13

Game 2: Minnesota Twins at Baltimore Bombers (Scrapco Field)

Game 2 obviously took place at Baltimore’s home field of Scrapco, and with the Twins already in a hole, Minnesota would need a very good performance to have a chance at pushing the series to Game 3. They didn’t get it, as they struggled to generate any offense, posting a 4-1 final score. The Bombers weren’t worldbeaters, but they did well, winning 10-0 and taking the series as they did so. With the sweep, they move on to the second round.

Baltimore Bombers 12, Minnesota Twins 3

Red Phillies vs. Milwaukee Braves
Theme: Big boys with big bats

These two teams were similar in that they were both drafted with low speed and strong bats in mind. Beyond this, they diverged significantly; while the Red Phillies got to choose their home field and took the short fences and off-kilter surface of Playground Commons, the Milwaukee Braves were shoved into Sandy Flats and had to deal with deep outfields and surfaces that halt the ball. While the Red Phillies had the third-best offense in the Backyard Conference and averaged almost 20 runs per game, the Milwaukee Braves had the second-worst offense and averaged 5.5 runs per game exactly. And while the Red Phillies had the worst defense in the Backyard Conference (the only one that averaged over 20 runs given up per game), the Braves actually had a fairly-solid defense that ranked fourth in the Indoor Conference.

Game 1: Red Phillies at Milwaukee Braves (Sandy Flats)

As the only Backyard team in the Consolation Tournament, the Phillies were expected to romp–an expectation only furthered when they chose to give the Braves “home field advantage” and force them to play even more at Sandy Flats (a field that has absolutely wrecked them; they’ve been far better on the road than at home). Although this was kind of a jerk move, it was the right one for producing wins, and even though Sandy Flats held the Phillies to only 9 runs, it held the Braves to 3. The AIs couldn’t score either, but it didn’t matter, as the Red Phillies easily took the first game of the series and prepared for a home game at Playground Commons where they hoped to close things out.

Red Phillies 9, Milwaukee Braves 3

Game 2: Milwaukee Braves at Red Phillies (Playground Commons)

This one played out like a twice-as-offensive version of Game 1. As usual, Milwaukee fared better away from Sandy Flats, as the Braves put up 9 runs (but allowed three); unfortunately for them, the same applied to the Phillies, who won their match 19-2 in another blowout to move on to the next round of the Consolation Tournament.

Red Phillies 20, Milwaukee Braves 6

Boston Reds vs. Seattle Fishes
Theme: One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish

All of the other matchups had a special theme. This one didn’t; it’s just that these were the last two teams on offer, and they’d played well against each other. They were both in the Indoor Conference, they’d both finished with losing records (although the Seattle Fishes were a much stronger team, finishing 6-8 after starting 0-4 while the Boston Reds finished 3-11 after starting 0-5), and they both had a hard time really finding their footing. Besides that, it’s a coast-to-coast matchup. What else do you need?

Game 1: Boston Reds at Seattle Fishes (Playground Commons)

The Seattle Fishes chose to take home field advantage and play their first game at Playground Commons. Unfortunately for them, the weaker performances they’d had during the final few weeks of the season continued, as they only won 8-0. Meanwhile, the Boston Reds had a surprisingly strong performance, with head coach shrewsbury showing why he won the Consolation Tournament in Season 6 by putting up an 18-5 win. This gave the Boston Reds a surprising series lead as the series moved to the Paveway, where the Reds would have a chance to close it out at home.

Boston Reds 13, Seattle Fishes 9

Game 2: Seattle Fishes at Boston Reds (The Paveway)

Once again, the Boston Reds continued their good Consolation Tournament performances, as they won their side of the game 12-0. This put them in good position to take a win, but it would depend on how the Seattle performed. The Fishes continued to slump and only scored 9 runs, which would have been enough for the Reds to win; the Reds AI putting up 4 runs was just the cherry on top of the Fishes’ loss.

Boston Reds 14, Seattle Fishes 5

Super-Duper Melonheads vs. Humongous Hornets
Theme: Tank bowl!

This section opened with two of the best teams in the tournament. It’s only fitting that it closes with two of the worst. In one corner, from the Frontyard Conference, are the Humongous Hornets, whom despite seeming to have plenty of potential finished 4-10, constantly struggled, and found themselves falling short in some of their best efforts. In the other corner, from the Indoor Conference, are the Super-Duper Melonheads, who finished with the second-worst record in the league at 2-12 (the only worse team being the 1-13 Little Giants in the Frontyard Conference), the worst offense in the Indoor Conference, and the worst defense in the Indoor Conference. The question is which of these underachievers gets to move on to the next round.

Game 1: Super-Duper Melonheads at Humongous Hornets (Playground Commons)

The Hornets got to choose where they wanted to play their first game, and like most teams they chose to play at home. There, they put up a perfectly respectable 12-4 win and looked good as they did so. Unfortunately for them, the Melonheads offense seemingly woke up the instant the season ended, and the Super-Duper Melonheads had a better performance than any in the regular season, winning 14-0 and taking a 1-0 series lead with a chance to sweep their opposition when they returned home to La Chancla.

Super-Duper Melonheads 14, Humongous Hornets 10

Game 2: Humongous Hornets at Super-Duper Melonheads (Casa de Pablo)

Once they returned to La Chancla, however, the Melonheads’ offense fell asleep again, as they only put up 4 runs in a shutout win. The same issue didn’t quite plague the Melonheads AI, however. The Hornets led 4-1 entering the bottom of the sixth, but as their coach had no confidence in winning with that score, he put the order in to let the Melonheads tie the game in the hope of sparking a giant rally in extra innings. This was an interesting strategy, and was quite likely the Hornets’ best hope of winning, but unfortunately for them, the Melonheads AI was just a bit too good, as instead of only giving up 3 runs in the bottom of the sixth the Hornets gave up 4 and the Melonheads AI walked off with a win, thereby allowing the Super-Duper Melonheads to advance to the next level of the Consolation Tournament.

Super-Duper Melonheads 4, Humongous Hornets -1

PLAYOFFS

#2 Los Angeles Dodgers [hitace] (12-4) vs. #1 Arizona Diamondbacks (15-2)
#1 Junior Athletics [MelloMathTeacher] (13-3) vs. #2 Texas Rangers [Jyknight] (12-5)

CONSOLATION TOURNAMENT

Red Phillies vs. Super-Duper Melonheads
Boston Reds vs. Baltimore Bombers

ODE TO THE ELIMINATED

Four teams move on, which by necessity means four others must have fallen. Here are their eulogies: the good, the bad, the ugly, and the unfortunate.

Montana Floss
Coach: JorgesBankAccount
Record: 6-8 (4th place, Backyard Conference)
Preseason projections: 5-9 6th place (crazyei8hts), 7th place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

There’s a phrase that comes to mind when looking at this team: poorly constructed. Built entirely out of arms and speed, with bats totally neglected and gloves almost as much, this was a team that was supposed to hold scores down for their opponents. It did not succeed in that endeavor. Instead, the Floss had a middling defense, and while they had a surprisingly effective offense for their construction, Montana in all respects had the look of an also-ran from start to finish, and that’s what they ended up as. My advice for next season? Don’t go all-in on such a stupid draft concept.

Wizard Wombats
Coach: Wizard
Record: 9-5 (3rd place, Backyard Conference)
Preseason projections: 3-11 7th place (crazyei8hts), 8th place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

The Wombats went for all offense, no defense, and surprisingly…it worked. Their defense was passable if not fantastic, and for the first nine games of the season their offense was tremendous (of those nine games, they posted more than 20 runs in eight of them). And then it all fell apart for them when instead of scoring 20 runs or more on a regular basis, they started scoring between 12-16 runs–not exactly something you can expect to be competitive with in the Backyard Conference unless you’ve got a great defense. That was the case in the playoffs as well, as although they did have one strong game at Dirt Yards, they were otherwise middling. That makes the Wombats an interesting case when trying to analyze them, because in half the games they played they were incredibly tough to beat while in the other half they weren’t. The big issue with the Wombats is that they slumped at the end of the season, and that’s what ended up killing them. They just couldn’t keep up the pace; if they’d been able to do so (or even if they’d rallied to start the playoffs) they’d likely still be in the postseason.

Boston Cubs
Coach: KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS
Record: 10-4 (2nd place, Backyard Conference)
Preseason projections: 12-2 1st place (crazyei8hts), 4th place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS is known as an offensive guru, but you wouldn’t think that to look at his team this season. The Boston Cubs were built to be a tough-to-crack defense, and they did exactly that, producing the Backyard’s #1 defense with 12.8 runs allowed per game and only one game where they gave up 20 runs or more (Week 9, vs. the Purple Sox). The tradeoff for this was a weak offense, and the Cubs were the second-worst offense in the Backyard Conference, scoring only 13.7 runs per game and winning several close games on their way to a 10-4 record. That doesn’t change the fact that the Cubs were frustrating to get around, and they mostly shut down offense after offense as they just kept doing enough to win. Somehow, it seems rather fitting the manner in which they lost: two close games against another incredibly strong defense in the form of the Junior Athletics. There’s nothing the Cubs did wrong; they just happened to have their luck run out against an opponent that was built in a similar style and managed to scratch out a series win, and the Cubs can hold their heads high knowing that they were a good team but this just wasn’t their season.

Purple Sox
Coach: aesnop
Record: 11-3 (1st place, Backyard Conference)
Preseason projections: 10-4 2nd place (crazyei8hts), 1st place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

What do you say about a team that does everything correctly and still falls short? Because that’s what happened with the Purple Sox this season. They were placed in the toughest conference and rose to the top. They broke the legendary 50-run barrier twice this season. They had the best offense in the league by almost 6 runs per game (Purple Sox: 28.7 runs per game, Wizard Wombats: 22.9 runs per game). Despite pursuing a pitch-to-contact strategy, they managed 8 shutouts. They only lost once through the final nine weeks of the season, and even in that game they put up 24 runs. They were the marriage of a great coach with a great team. They weren’t supposed to be anywhere near this list unless they faced the Diamondbacks in the second round. They were supposed to be in the World Series!

There’s been a running joke about aesnop being the Marty Schottenheimer of the league. He has great regular seasons, his teams look like world-beaters, and then they fall short in the playoffs. Thing about Schottenheimer? A lot of his playoff failures weren’t his fault. He was one stop on a 98-yard drive from reaching the Super Bowl, one goal-line fumble from forcing an AFC Championship game into overtime, one inopportune Joe Montana injury from putting up a fight against the early 90s Buffalo Bills, and one fourth-down-interception-fumbled-back-to-the-New-England-Patriots-in-the-fourth-quarter from making the Super Bowl. Some of Marty’s playoff failures can be blamed on his coaching, but a lot of them just boil down to bad luck.

Which brings us to aesnop. I don’t know about his previous experiences in the playoffs, but the way this season ended can’t really be blamed on him. Aesnop drafted an incredibly solid team, building a roster of arms, bats, and speed, with the only neglected area being pitching. It wasn’t just strong in visible stats, either; his roster was highly-rated in all of the invisible stats Vissery discovered (with the exception of stamina, which is heavily correlated with pitching ability). And what’d he do with his (as usual) impeccable draft? He backed it up with playing ability. It wasn’t just his offensive skills that were put to the test. Defensively, he thought about what he wanted to do to compensate for his poor pitching, and it worked. I might be opposed to the concept of “pitch to contact.” I might draw back from it in disgust and confusion. I might actively disdain and hate it. But it worked very, very, very well for aesnop, as he relied on his arms-heavy defense to keep the runs down while keeping stamina use on the mound low. His user-controlled defense only gave up 13 runs–third in the conference behind the Montana Floss and Green Monsters, and eighth in the league overall.

I don’t know how much more I can do to emphasize the simple fact that the Purple Sox were devastating. Their AI defense was solid, their AI offense was strong, their player-controlled defense was even stronger, and their player-controlled offense was on tornado-in-a-trailer-park levels of destruction. They were good at the start of the season, and untouchable at the end of the season, finishing on a six-game win streak. They were the team to beat.

The Dodgers were supposed to be just another bump in the road. Their weak-armed catcher was supposed to open up third base from the instant the game started, and that was supposed to allow the Purple Sox to rampage to at least one 50-burger. Instead, it was the Dodgers rampaging to a pair of consecutive 50s, mashing the ball at will and making it impossible for the Purple Sox to catch up. It’s not that the Purple Sox did poorly, either; 23 runs in two games would be enough to go at least 1-1 in most instances, and would quite often sweep the series. Instead, Los Angeles managed to slam the door on the Purple Sox before they even had a chance to make their case.

So what’s next for the Purple Sox? There’s really no answer to this question. They did everything right. Their strengths covered up their weaknesses. They were consistently strong through the regular season, and even improved as it went on. They didn’t fail in the playoffs due to poor performance, they didn’t lose because they were a bad team, they didn’t do anything wrong. Bad luck just fell on them at the worst time. If there’s an answer to how you fix that, well, I don’t know what it is. 

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

“I would love to see the Sox eat the Dodgers for lunch to be honest. ‘Catharsis’ would be the best way to describe it.” ­– MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on dreams that don’t come true

“Dodgers would roast the Purps. Of course, Aes vs Gretchen? Eek.” – Yurya, on the Dodgers/Purple Sox matchup

“The Purple Sox will take this one, probably quite easily.” – JorgesBankAccount, on the Dodgers/Purple Sox matchup

“One or more 50s from the Sox looks pretty likely here. Not going to be a pretty series.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, on the Dodgers/Purple Sox matchup

“I think playing an away game at Steele would be cool.” – hitace, Los Angeles Dodgers head coach, on playing the first round of the playoffs entirely at Steele Stadium

“Trophy or bust baybee.” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, on the Purple Sox’s ambitions

“You should really pick the Purple Sox to win it.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, Boston Cubs head coach, on whom he expects to win the World Series

“I’m ready to disappoint.” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, on self-confidence

“I’m shocked that aes picked himself in his series.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, Boston Cubs head coach, on aesnop’s prediction bracket

“Playoff Aes is able to make it to the second round.” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, on his coaching abilities

“I think Steele is slightly overrated as a hitters paradise.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, Boston Cubs head coach, on Steele Stadium

“Mercy rule please.” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, on the Los Angeles Dodgers posting a 59-0 score

“Suddenly I’m rethinking my preference for the Dodgers over the Purple Sox.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on why you should always be careful what you wish for

“If Dodgers win the World Series I never want to hear talks about how a strong catcher is the most important part of your draft because literally they have a bottom-tier-armed catcher and have been very dominant nearly all season.” – Vissery, former Humongous Hornets head coach, on the power of offense

“Hitace going to the World Series. Book it.” – Sisu, Arizona Diamondbacks head coach, on the power of offense

“This is the reverse of what I expected.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, on the Dodgers destroying the Purple Sox

“Think I’m retiring.” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, on being swept in the first round

“CAN ANYONE STOP THE DODGERS???” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, saying what we’re all thinking

“Playoffs Aes! Playoffs Aes! We all love playoffs Aes!” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, dancing on the Purple Sox’s grave

“The Wombats are back!” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, on the Wombats winning their first game against the Rangers

“Wombats scores through Week 9: 20+ in all but one game. Wombats scores after Week 9: 13, 13, 12, 16, 12. Wombats score in this game: 15. The Wombats aren’t back.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, expressing cynicism about the Wizard Wombats

“Yeah but this week they won.” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, on reality

“The Wombats in a slump score more than the Rangers in a slump. I’m interested to see what happens when the Wombats go to Dirt Yards.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, on the Wombats winning their first game against the Rangers.

“I am confident we will bounce back at home for Game 2.” – Jyknight, Texas Rangers head coach, on being on the brink of elimination

“Daily update: still no one but the team I flogged has scored 50 in the playoffs.” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach

“Seasons 6 and 7: 3 50s, all from Aesnop. First round, Season 7 playoffs: 3 50s, none from Aesnop. Nice job, Jy!” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on the Texas Rangers Game 2 score

“Wombats don’t like dirt.” – Yurya, Green Monsters head coach, on the Texas Rangers defeating the Wizard Wombats at Dirt Yards

“De Pablo Casa gives me PTSD.” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, on the Wizard Wombats home field of Casa de Pablo

“If all four Backyard teams lose, what happens to the division system next season?” – Vissery, raising an important question

“That’s a bold what-if to be making considering Wizard is winning.” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, on the in-game situation

“But will Wizard be winning in five minutes?” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on how quickly momentum can shift

“Pete on the house!” – Sisu, Arizona Diamondbacks head coach, on Pete Wheeler making the game-winning catch

“I’m scared for what you did to Randy.” – Sisu, Arizona Diamondbacks head coach, on the Montana Floss’s foul-heavy strategy

“I haven’t done anything to the big boy. Yet.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on making threats

“Gotta get by the Floss first.” – Sisu, Arizona Diamondbacks head coach, on a possible future series against the Los Angeles Dodgers

“Never have a slow first baseman. I got so lucky.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on winning Game 1 against the Arizona Diamondbacks

“Gotta rebound for Game 2 at the Farm!” – Sisu, Arizona Diamondbacks head coach, on returning to Dubois Diamond

“As previously stated: Diamondbacks to beat the spread.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, in a rare moment of optimism

“I have to be in the right mindset to play at Sandy.” – Sisu, Arizona Diamondbacks head coach, on winning Game 2 and playing at Sandy Flats again

“Dude they lost by one run for the like sixth time.” – Aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, on the Montana Floss barely losing in Game 3

“I’M GOING TO THE CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES!” – Sisu, on winning his first playoff series

“Tina managed to keep her streak of making playoffs every year since her debut yet somehow winning zero series. A masterclass of consistency.” – Vissery, on Montana Floss member Tina Herrara

“The runs against me were all from homers down the alleyway. It was painful.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, Boston Cubs head coach, on giving up runs at home

“Two of three of mine were the same.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, commiserating with KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS

“I expected the As to struggle more against the Cubs defense.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, on the Junior Athletics winning Game 1

“It’s ironclad. Very, very tough. Some lucky drops and a very lucky homer from Todd.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on the Boston Cubs defense

“Todd Xavier looking good boys.” – Vissery, on Junior Athletics starting pitcher Todd Xavier

“Toddfather is easily player of the game. You had to see it to believe it. I don’t care that Todd gave up three runs, or that Wendy hit two homers, Todd is indisputably the player of the game.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on Todd Xavier’s Game 1 performance

“And the Athletics do the impossible and take the game and the series! 2-0! That’s both Frontyard teams sweeping the top two teams! In the Backyard! Purple Sox: done! Cubs: done! I don’t believe it. I don’t think anyone believes it, I don’t think Mello believes it! I think Mello might’ve just passed out!” – Sisu, Arizona Diamondbacks head coach and Matchup Of The Week commentator, amazed by the Athletics hanging on to win

“TODD! [Censored]! XAVIER! IS THE TODD! [Censored]! SAVIOR!” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, rooting for the Junior Athletics

“Todd Xavier the protagonist of this series.” – Vissery, on postseason storylines

“You got your wish. Xavier the Savior is Series MVP.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach and writer of recaps, to MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on Todd Xavier’s first-round performances

“The Cement Gardens homers they hit off me just angered me to no end. It makes no sense whatsoever that the ump rules them homers even though they were clearly grounders. I guess I took that energy through the rest of the series to do what I did. When I hit that line drive in Cement, I knew that if the ump was going to call things evenly, that it’d be a homer. I don’t think I’d have tried for that if they didn’t hit those on me before. Game 2, I just had to step up myself since I couldn’t rely on those kinds of weird calls. My arm is absolute Jell-O right now, I’m absolutely exhausted, but I’m so thankful it was enough. We’re on to Big City, where my brother played once when he was my age. My teammates had my back, like they did all season. I thank them with all my heart. I couldn’t be more proud of them.” – Todd Xavier, Junior Athletics starting pitcher, on being the Series MVP

“Awwwww, Todd! We’re so proud of you! Everyone, be gentle, but…GET HIM!” – Courtney Valentino, rallying the Junior Athletics to dogpile on Todd Xavier

“Boston in shambles.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, on the Boston Cubs being swept almost exactly a week after the Purple Sox were swept

“Boston and Boston-related teams are not having fun.” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, on the Boston Cubs being swept almost exactly a week after the Purple Sox were swept

“The Boston Reds are doing great.” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, looking towards the consolation tournament alongside the rest of New England

“Go Yankees!” – hitace, Los Angeles Dodgers head coach, on the New York Yankees

“This is the first positive thing said about the Yankees in my time here. I teared up a little.” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, on encouragement

“Everyone sucks, give the win to the Yankees.” – Vissery, on the Junior Athletics upsetting the Boston Cubs

“I agree with Vissery. Go Yankees!” – hitace, on the possibility of the New York Yankees being just handed a championship

“Wow. Backyard: Eliminated.” – jlund24, former Baltimore Bombers head coach, on all four Backyard Conference playoff teams losing in the first round

“I think the Athletics had the strongest defense I had to play this year. There were no holes.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, Boston Cubs head coach, experiencing shell shock

“YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Those were two of the craziest games I’ve seen in my LIIIIIIIFE! The kids were dialed in, they played with such amazing guts against one of the best teams in the league, and it paid off! I’m so happy for them, and I’m so happy for Coach Mello. With how hard he’s worked, he deserves it all. I think he’s still recovering from the shock of this upset. They’re gonna enjoy their ice cream, they’re gonna party tonight, and I hope they soak it all in. Big City Stadium! I wonder how many of them dreamed to play there… I certainly did as a child. I wonder how Coach Mello celebrates this one. He’s never been one for big-time celebrations. Sometimes he needs to just let loose, like his kids do!” – FelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics assistant coach, on the Junior Athletics upsetting the Boston Cubs

“I just refuse to believe that the Frontyard teams could beat the Backyard teams.” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, experiencing shell shock and denying reality

“Clearly Backyard is not as good as they thought they were.” – Vissery, on all the Backyard Conference teams losing in the first round

“You did good, rookie.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, to MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach

“Is this actually happening? Is it, really? Did we actually manage to pull this off? Good Lord, dude. I racked my brain for hours trying to figure something out for this series. To be honest, I couldn’t really come up with much. They’re just so good defensively over much of the field. This win was less on me and much more on the kids executing. We had some strategies going in, we knew what we shouldn’t do against them and did a generally good job of avoiding that. But the kids were the ones who placed hits well, played solid defense, and the bounces went their way. This series was two bad breaks or mental mistakes from going 2-0 the other way. All the credit in the world to KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS and the Cubs for their hard work all year. Cubs probably win seven or eight series if we played ten of them, if I’m being frank. But only one of them counts, and this was the one. I’m so happy for my A’s right now. Even if they dunked me in Gatorade.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, experiencing shell shock and respecting the coach on the other side

“Aesnop and KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS are the two best players in the world. How did they lose to anybody?” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, continuing to experience shell shock

“You could argue that I was the only one who was right but I also was a fake coach. Management is currently having to deal with the whereabouts of Terry Vega. Meanwhile I’ve already stolen all the money…I’m halfway to Mexico by now, they’ll never find me.” – Vissery, on embezzlement

“Gator Flats was my favorite in 2005.” – hitace, Los Angeles Dodgers head coach, on favorite fields

“Love the swamp. It’s got a great aura.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on being a slimy muck-dweller

“I only put Terry in the woods so he’ll probably be found eventually.” – Vissery, on inadequately hiding a body

“You’re going to prison bro.” – Repub92, current Baltimore Bombers head coach, on inadequately hiding a body

“Just a reminder that the Yankees beat the [censored] out of these same Dodgers you’re talking about.” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, on the Los Angeles Dodgers

“That Dodgers loss vs. the Yankees influenced so much.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on playing the Boston Cubs instead of the Purple Sox

“Man it’s too bad for the Cubs that we got the As instead of the Dodgers.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, Boston Cubs head coach, on regrets

“And vice versa. We both ran into the worst team we could’ve played.” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, on regrets

“I’m more bewildered than enthralled at my upset win.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, experiencing shell shock

“Has ei8hts gone soft?” – Yurya, Green Monsters head coach, on Red Phillies head coach crazyei8hts

“I’ll have you know that crazy is as hard as it gets! But only for his wife, whom he loves dearly.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on marriage (true love)

“Daft Punk is the only reason TRON: Legacy was worth making.” – jlund24, former Baltimore Bombers head coach, on the entertainment industry

“Why must reality constantly get in the way of my crappy jokes?” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on writing recaps

“Chicks dig the long ball.” – Sisu, Arizona Diamondbacks head coach, on picking up women

“What is the significance of the giraffe?” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, getting philosophical

“Wow crazyei8hts, so ‘nice’ of you to make me play at Sandy again.” – Natetastic, Milwaukee Braves head coach, less than thrilled at having to play at Sandy Flats again

“Playing on Dirt Yards makes for an interesting game to say the least. Good luck Toast.” – Repub92, current Baltimore Bombers head coach, on playing the Minnesota Twins at Dirt Yards

“Bombers are a force to be reckoned with!” – Jyknight, Texas Rangers head coach, on the Baltimore Bombers winning their series against the Minnesota Twins in the consolation tournament

“I’m kinda hype for this Melons-Hornets series.” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, on being kinda hype for the consolation series between the Super-Duper Melonheads and Humongous Hornets

“They can’t both lose!” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, on the consolation series between the Super-Duper Melonheads and Humongous Hornets

“Shout out Melonheads for beating the Hornets.” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, looking at the consolation tournament

“Never bet against the Melonheads in the opening round of the postseason. 5-for-5 now.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, on the Melonheads tendency to win the first game (or series) of either the consolation bracket or the playoffs

“If I recall correctly, I lost to the Fishes this season. Let’s go Reds!” – Repub92, current Baltimore Bombers head coach, on rooting interests

“Nice one shrewsbury!” – elchrisblanco, Seattle Fishes head coach, showing good sportsmanship over losing Game 1 of the consolation bracket to the Boston Reds

“Consolation Shrew is a thing I think.” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, on Boston Reds head coach shrewsbury’s abilities in consolation tournaments

“Shrewsbury and consolation tournaments. Name a better duo.” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, on shrewsbury’s teams’ tendency to do well in the consolation tournament

“Hitace was actually me with a mustache and plastic nose.” – Vissery, on sockpuppeting

“Am I a joke to you?” – Aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, asking a question he really doesn’t want answered

“Quit calling out my poor decisions!” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, to Vissery

“I’m gagging and vomiting at the same time. I’m–I’m gavomiting.” – Dr. Cox, Scrubs, on how well the Backyard teams performed in the first round

“Those sure are some great quotes from me.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, Boston Cubs head coach, on being quoted

All the chaos that had been building up over the course of the season culminated in Week 14, when…three Backyard teams ended up tied for the final Backyard spot? Two Frontyard teams tied for the final Frontyard spot? Only six teams were definitely in the playoffs, and only two matchups were actually set? That’s right, folks, we get a week of extra games: play-ins to decide who makes it in and who goes home!

RULES

The basic rules were the same throughout the league. Both teams would play a home game against each other at the neutral site of Parks Department Field #2. The higher score would win. If both teams tied, the first tiebreaker would be runs allowed, with the team that allowed fewer runs taking the win. If they tied in runs allowed, the next tiebreaker would be runs scored in the first inning, then runs scored in the second inning, then runs scored in the third, and so on. If both teams scored the exact same amount in every inning, all hell would break loose.

The structure varied by conference. In the Frontyard Conference, the Minnesota Twins and Los Angeles Dodgers were tied with records of 10-4, so a single game was all that was needed to determine who would make the playoffs. In the Backyard Conference, the Red Phillies, Green Monsters, and Montana Floss were all tied at 6-8; consequently, this necessitated a different structure. The Green Monsters were considered the strongest of these three teams due to tiebreakers, so they were chosen as the “top seed” in the play-in games. The Red Phillies and Montana Floss would therefore play each other, with the winner moving on to face the Green Monsters. Whichever team won that game, be it the Monsters or the winner of Phillies/Floss, would move on to the playoffs.

FRONTYARD CONFERENCE

Minnesota Twins vs. Los Angeles Dodgers

The Minnesota Twins had been an also-ran for most of the season, quietly having a good season but always a bit ignored in favor of the stifling defense of the Junior Athletics and the bombastic offense of the Los Angeles Dodgers. They were also quietly a constant thorn in the side of the Dodgers and Athletics, defeating both of them in their first meeting and actually entering the All-Star Break in a three-way tie for the division lead with a 5-2 record. Although they dropped games to the Athletics and Dodgers in the second half of the season to fall to third place, they were a constant threat to make the playoffs if only one of their opponents would falter. In this instance, it was the Dodgers who faltered; although they defeated the Athletics in Week 9 to claim sole possession of first place, a loss to the Florida Marlins (guest-coached by aesnop) meant that both they and the Junior Athletics had three losses entering the final three weeks of the season. With the Twins winning out, all they needed was a loss from one of those two teams, and the New York Yankees were the ones to pull off the upset, knocking off the Dodgers 14-1 in the final game of the season when Los Angeles couldn’t stop popping up.

It might’ve been a longshot, but Minnesota had a chance to snatch a playoff spot at the very last second, and they certainly weren’t going to waste it, as they took the field at Parks Department Field #2 with intent to win. The Twins had one of their better games offensively, putting up 18 runs on 21 hits and 2 walks, but one of their worst games defensively as they allowed 4 runs on 8 hits (although Julie Dunkel did manage to throw 10 strikeouts). It didn’t end up mattering, though, as the Los Angeles Dodgers had one of their best games by getting 30 runners across the plate on 32 hits and 2 walks while shutting out their opponents. Los Angeles won the game, and will face off against the Purple Sox in the first round of the playoffs.

Los Angeles Dodgers 30, Minnesota Twins 14

Player of the game: Everyone took advantage of the short fence at this field, as these two teams combined to hit 20 home runs (6 from the Twins, 14 from the Dodgers). The leader in home runs? Leah Wayne, who smashed 5 (8 RBIs). She’s not the player of the game, though; instead, that award goes to Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher (at least for this game) Albert Pujols, who had a fantastic game both ways. Offensively, he went 5-for-5 with a single, a double, and 3–count ’em, 3–home runs, finishing with 6 RBIs and scoring every time he came up to bat. Defensively, he pitched one of the greatest performances the Dodgers saw all season (and this is a team that set/tied the record for most strikeouts in a season), throwing twelve strikeouts in a two-hit shutout performance. The Dodgers look good as they enter the playoffs; they’d just better hope that they didn’t expend all their efforts on this game.

BACKYARD CONFERENCE

Montana Floss vs. Red Phillies

Something interesting about these teams is that they both went 3-4 in the first half of the season, 3-4 in the second half, 3-4 at home, and 3-4 on the road. They also got their records through a pair of sweeps and a pair of splits: the Floss swept the Cubs and Monsters while splitting with the Orioles and Brewers, while the Phillies swept the Floss and Orioles while splitting with the Wombats and Brewers. How they did overall was far different, however. The Floss were fairly consistent throughout the season, winning approximately every other game and scoring between 13 and 17 runs in almost every game. The Phillies were much more mercurial, varying in their scores a lot but more importantly being streaky, starting the season 3-1 and winning their last two games but going 1-7 in the middle. That one win was important, though, as it was against the Floss; in fact, given the short fences of Parks Department Field #2 and the Floss’s generally inability to keep up with the Phillies, it was expected that the Phillies would take the game.

That didn’t happen for two reasons. The first reason is that the Phillies had their weakest performance against the Floss yet, only managing 17 hits (although they did turn these hits into 14 runs with the aid of 7 homers). The second reason, though? The Floss took advantage of the Phillies weak infield (as well as some other elements including field conditions), using infield singles and steals to work their way to a 33-0 win on 47 hits and 3 walks. This allowed the Floss to advance and take on the Monsters in a game to decide who would get the final playoff seed from the Backyard Conference.

Montana Floss 33, Red Phillies 14

Player of the game: A big offensive game requires almost everyone to contribute. Instead of trying to sort through everyone who had a hand in the Floss’s victory, let’s look at the defensive side of the equation, where Montana Floss pitcher Brad Radke had arguably his best performance yet (and this in a season where he set the record for most strikeouts from an individual pitcher). What’d he do? Well, he pitched yet another shutout (his 11th so far), and while he did allow three hits, he also pitched an absolutely monumental 15 strikeouts. He wasn’t too shabby on the basepaths, either, going 6-for-7 (all singles) with an RBI, scoring five times, and stealing four bases.

Montana Floss vs. Green Monsters

Both of these teams had reason to be optimistic entering this game. For the Montana Floss, the reason for optimism was simple: they were riding a two-game winning streak, had gone 3-1 over their last four games, and had beaten the Monsters in both of their regular season matchups. For the Green Monsters, the reason was also simple: they were away from their home field. The Monsters had attempted to draft for Tin Can Alley and had ended up missing the mark, posting a 2-5 record at home but a 4-3 record on the road. While this was technically a dual home game, they’d be playing at a field that wasn’t Tin Can Alley, and with the paucity of power hitters on the lineup combined with the short fences of Parks Department Field #2, it was quite plausible that the Green Monsters would punch above their weight.

They didn’t. As in their Tin Can Alley bout, the Monsters found themselves stymied by the Montana Floss’s strong arms and were only able to score 3 runs on the Floss while allowing two. Meanwhile, Montana just rolled, as although they allowed a run (a solo shot from Greg Vaughn in the top of the 5th) they put up 18 off of 29 hits and a walk and cruised into the playoffs. The Montana Floss will take on the Arizona Diamondbacks in the first round; we’ll see if they keep their momentum from the play-in games or if they fall to the mighty bat of Jay Green and the mighty arm of Randy Johnson.

Montana Floss 17, Green Monsters 1

Player of the game: The Floss have spent most of their season relying on the bat of Jeff Bagwell to clear the bases and bring in bunches of runs. Once again, he delivered, going 5-for-5 with 5 extra-base hits (3 doubles, a triple, and a home run). How many times did he score? Two. How many RBIs did he get? Eleven. He’s not likely to have too many more performances like this in the playoffs, but if he does, watch out.

PLAYOFFS
#1 Purple Sox [aesnop] (11-3) vs. #2 Los Angeles Dodgers [hitace] (10-4)
#2 Boston Cubs [KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS] (10-4) vs. #1 Junior Athletics [MelloMathTeacher] (11-3)
#3 Wizard Wombats [Wizard] (9-5) vs. #2 Texas Rangers [Jyknight] (10-4)
#4 Montana Floss [JorgesBankAccount] (6-8) vs. #1 Arizona Diamondbacks [Sisu] (13-1)

ODE TO THE ELIMINATED

Three more teams hit the bricks this week, but they deserve a memorial too. This is the story of their seasons: what they did right, what they did wrong, what they can improve on, and what they should keep doing.

FRONTYARD CONFERENCE

Minnesota Twins
Coach: Toast
Record: 10-4 (3rd place)
Preseason projections: 6-8 6th place (crazyei8hts), 1st place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

The Twins are who we thought they were. They’re a good, solid team with a good, solid coach playing a good, solid brand of baseball. They finished second in offense in the Frontyard Conference with 12.0 runs per game, fourth in defense with 10.4 runs allowed per game, and overall did a good job throughout the season. Toast drafted well, building a solid defense while not neglecting offense, and performed decently as well (as was borne out by his rankings and overall record). The only problem for the Twins this year? They just weren’t that fantastic. They didn’t boast the killer defense of the Junior Athletics. They didn’t boast the unstoppable offense of the Los Angeles Dodgers. They were just a good team in a conference with two better teams. Minnesota has nothing to be ashamed of: they played well, fought the good fight, and split with that killer defense and unstoppable offense. They just didn’t quite have enough to make it into the playoffs, even if they got really, really close.

BACKYARD CONFERENCE

Red Phillies
Coach: crazyei8hts
Record: 6-8 (t-5th place)
Preseason projections: 8-6 4th place (crazyei8hts), 5th place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

This team was the brainchild of last season’s champion, crazyei8hts. Coming off a season where he’d built a great defense and good offense centered around doing what he does best–specifically, smacking dingers–crazy decided to double down on the whole home runs thing, mostly ignoring speed and instead relying on arms to get it done defensively. This was already a nebulous concept–strong arms getting outs is contingent upon them just getting to the ball to start with–but it was made worse by the fact that there were two things crazyei8hts didn’t account for in his drafting. The first one is something he didn’t see but probably should’ve: his rocket-armed catcher was one of the highest-rated pitchers on the team, and would frequently come in as the second or third reliever, putting an exhausted arm behind the plate and opening up third base quite often. The second was something he couldn’t account for.

This season, another coach in the league (Vissery, Humongous Hornets [formerly]) dug into the code in ways we’ve never seen before and was able to pull up lots and lots of hidden data: power and contact rather than just a hitting rating, exact speed (and subsequently speed tiers), glove…oh, and things like focus, game IQ, and aggression, which have a huge impact on error ratings, choices about where to go with the ball, and willingness to at least go after the ball. Investigation into these ratings revealed that crazyei8hts had drafted a team that was worst in the league in terms of focus, worst in the league in catching, very unaggressive, and very low in terms of game IQ. This meant that even when his team was not only slow, they were slow to even start going after the ball, had trouble handling it well, and generally were poor at defense on the whole. It showed, too; despite the fact that the Phillies were not one of the two teams the Purple Sox put up 50+ runs on, they had the worst defense in the league, giving up 23 runs a game (322 in total). These twin vulnerabilities overshadowed their third-ranked offense (19.4 runs per game), and eventually led to their loss against the Montana Floss in the play-in game where the Floss hit grounder after grounder after grounder to exploit their weak infield.

There’s hope for next season, though. The Phillies were able to bang in many runs, and if they could have fixed just one of their vulnerabilities they could’ve won a couple games more. Plus, crazyei8hts has won a championship before, and recently, so there’s a decent chance that next season will be a rebound year.

Green Monsters
Coach: Yurya
Record: 6-8 (t-5th place)
Preseason projections: 7-7 5th place (crazyei8hts), 3rd place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

There are several types of drafting strategies. Some coaches draft for defense. Some draft for offense. Some try to go for a balance. Some go after their favorite players. And some draft for their home fields. Naturally, all of these strategies have the possibility of either working out fantastically or leading a team to fall flat on its face. This team leaned closer to the latter than the former, and it’s a testament to their coach that they got as far as they did.

The Green Monsters were drafted to suit their home field of Tin Can Alley. With its structure of incredibly short, high fences, Tin Can Alley makes it very, very easy to grind out singles just by hitting the ball to the wall, even if home runs are mostly off the table, and consequently TCA is known as a very offense-friendly field. Naturally, Yurya was looking to take advantage of that with his draft, and so went after good hitters that he felt could continually hit the ball to the wall and drive in runs.

This isn’t a bad strategy. It could work; in fact, it probably should work. It didn’t, though. The Monsters routinely struggled at home, posting a 2-5 record and frequently having their worst games at the field (the nadir? A game against the arms-heavy Montana Floss where it took them extra innings to crank out a 2-1 score). At home, the Monsters weren’t able to produce, as they only scored 70 of their 197 runs there. On the road, the Monsters fared much better, going 4-3 and scoring an average of 18.1 runs per game (home average: 12 [prorated] runs per game).

Despite their struggles at home, the Green Monsters came very close to making the playoffs, only missing out because they met a team they’d habitually struggled with in the play-in game. If they had been at another home field, they might well have won more games and made it in. In the end, this seems to be a story of either field/coach/team mismatch like the Milwaukee Braves, or one of just getting nicked with bad luck at the worst time. One of those is fixable, and the other tends to go away eventually, so there’s plenty of hope for next season.

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK

It’s back! After taking a week off for the play-in games (and at the commissioner’s “request”), the Matchup of the Week returns! This week’s battle is Game 2 between the Boston Cubs and Junior Athletics, two defensively-oriented teams who have overshot expectations and are locked in a tight struggle to move on and face the more offense-oriented winner of the duel between the Wizard Wombats and Texas Rangers. To make things even more interesting, we won’t know the results of Game 1 until that evening, so which team is on the chopping block won’t be known until right before the game! Catch it this Saturday, October 9th, at 8:30 PM Mountain Time, only on Sisu’s twitch!

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

“I race in RuPaul’s Drag Race.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, Boston Cubs head coach, on hobbies

“You think I was awake for those Floss MOTWs?” – Vissery, former Humongous Hornets head coach, on foul balls

“I didn’t pick you guys because you were any good. I picked you guys because I thought it would be funny.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, summarizing Vissery’s draft strategies

“‘I picked you guys because I thought it would be funny’ is my Backyard Football fantasy team.” – Vissery, former Humongous Hornets head coach, confirming what we all suspected

“There are home runs that are unexpected?” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, on hitting strategy

“How are the playoffs going for you?” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, to crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach

“Good game hitace! You and MelloMathTeacher will represent the Frontyard well!” – Toast, Minnesota Twins head coach, showcasing good sportsmanship

“See you in the consolation tournament, Toast! Congrats on a quality rookie season!” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, encouraging Toast, Minnesota Twins head coach

“Thanks! I’m proud of how I ended it.” – Toast, Minnesota Twins head coach, being optimistic about next season

“Contact is a two-edged sword, it boosts some hits but also doesn’t foul off the bad ones.” – Yurya, Green Monsters head coach, justifying the drafting strategy of the Montana Floss

“8-8. I made it to .500 after all!” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, trying to come up with a good retort and just looking pathetic

“Eat a bag of stale pretzels.” – Vissery, former Humongous Hornets head coach, coming up with a good retort

“I’ve thought about this long and hard, but yes jibbo is a hibbo.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, Boston Cubs head coach, on Junior Brewers head coach jibbodahibbo

“Standards are for losers.” – jibbodahibbo, Junior Brewers head coach, on his wife

“Just give me one good reason, and I won’t ask you anymore. Just give me one extra season, so I can figure out the other four.” – John Prine, Blue Umbrella, in a song that got stuck in my head

“Playoffs Aes is my favorite Aes.” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, on expecting the Purple Sox to fail

The last week of the season has happened and–wait, what? Playoffs aren’t starting yet? Play-ins due to ties? There’s still a bunch of chaos? We don’t have a final eight? Aw, geez…

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK

Junior Brewers vs. Montana Floss

This match was one where everything was on the line. Both teams were 5-8, and yet somehow­–improbably–still in the playoff hunt. Since the Green Monsters sat at 6-7, if they lost it was still possible for either of these teams to make the playoffs, either by beating them on tiebreakers or by beating them in a play-in game (depending on external factors as well as their record against the Monsters.

This was, of course, a rematch. The first time these two teams met, the Junior Brewers defeated the Montana Floss, 18-16 in a very close game (one of the few close games the Brewers won this season). That time, the Brewers were at home at Scrapco Field; this time, the host was the Montana Floss at Sandy Flats. There were a lot of similarities between these two teams, however; both had posted 2-4 records since the All-Star Break, both had kept most games close, and both had strong defenses, with the Brewers having the #2 defense in the Backyard Conference with 195 runs allowed and the Floss the #3 defense with 207 runs allowed. There were differences, however; while the Brewers had a positive overall run differential of +23, the Floss were in the red with a run differential of -6. While the Brewers were considered one of the more fearful teams in the conference by several of their prognosticators and opponents, the Floss appeared to be a team that could get close to opponents but only occasionally surpass them.

Still, both teams sat at 5-8, and a playoff spot was on the line in this one. That is, of course, as long as the Green Monsters lost to the Boston Cubs.

Francis Blewer started things off well, as she smacked a line drive down the left field line and off the log for a home run. She was followed by PJ Shareef, who grounded out to the pitcher, and Parker Collum, who knocked one deep into left field and over the log that was ruled a ground-rule double. Brenda Markart then came to the plate and hit another pitch into left field, this one for a single when left fielder Ricky Johnson got to the ball quickly and threw it to the shortstop to hold runners at the corners. Brenda stole second, and then with two runners in scoring position Vincent Sweet proceeded to hit a dribbler a few feet in front of home plate. The throw to first was dropped, however, and in the ensuing scramble for the ball home plate was left uncovered, allowing Parker Collum to score and Brenda Markart to make a try for third that turned into another run when Emily Lewbell’s frentic throw to an uncovered home plate went out of play, putting the Brewers up 3-0 with one out and a runner on second. Carlos Delgado then came up and hit a ball into shallow left field, but Ricky quickly got to it and threw it in, keeping Vincent from making a try for third. Artie Pimbleton then popped out to right field, and the inning ended when Nomar Garciaparra hit a fly ball to left field that was caught by Ricky Johnson.

The Floss’s response started with back-to-back infield singles from Kathy Wolf and Tina Herrara. Then, when Vic Soufle hit another soft grounder, the catcher chose to throw to second base on a fielder’s choice. The throw was dropped, however, and Kathy Wolf took off for home, making it easily to cut the Brewers lead to two. Jeff Bagwell then came up with two on and no outs, and proceeded to hit a pitch into shallow center, loading the bases for Ricky Johnson. After fouling off several pitches, he hit a ball that landed between the first baseman and the second baseman. It was picked up by first baseman Carlos Delgado, and after a bit of dithering he chose to run to first to make the fielder’s choice. This meant another run scored, but it at least got the Brewers their first out with Brad Radke heading to the plate. The Floss’s pitcher managed to work a full count, but then hit a grounder directly to Brewers’ shortstop Brenda Markart, who flung it to first for the second out. This brought one of the Floss’s only two power hitters to the plate in the form of Emily Lewbell, who looked at two pitches before hitting the third into the right-side power alley. Everyone advanced a base on this hit, and when the throw by the second baseman was flubbed Jeff Bagwell headed for home and made it on a close play where the catcher dropped the fast throw from the shortstop. This game the Floss a 4-3 lead with Jody Palmer heading to the plate, but they weren’t able to increase it as she hit a weak dribbler in front of the plate, allowing the catcher to make the throw to second to easily get the slow Emily Lewbell out.

This brought Tracy Hoban up to bat for the Brewers, and she started things off with a liner into left. This brought up the top of the order, and Francis Blewer hit a grounder down the left field line that turned into a fielder’s choice where Tracy was thrown out at second. Francis stole second, and PJ Shareef hit an infield single, bringing up Parker Collum, who hit the ball into Sandy Flats cavernous center field. The ball stayed inside the park, but it took too long for centerfielder Jody Palmer to get to the ball and throw it in, allowing three runs to score on an inside-the-park home run that gave the Brewers a 6-4 lead with one out in the top of the second. The Floss changed pitchers at this point, bringing in right fielder Kathy Wolf, and Brenda Markart hit a single to right field. She got greedy when Brad Radke initially flubbed the throw, however, and was caught in a pickle between first and second which ended with her being tagged out attempting to return to first. This brought up Vincent Sweet with two outs and nobody on, and he popped out to the pitcher. She dropped it, but it didn’t matter, as shortstop Tina Herrara picked up the ball and threw it to first before he could get there for the third out.

The bottom of the second brought the opportunity for the Floss to reclaim the lead and a new pitcher for the Brewers, as they exchanged a tired Nomar Garciaparra for first baseman Carlos Delgado. His introduction was not that great, as while Linda Potter hit an easy grounder to the right side of the infield, Nomar dropped the throw, allowing her to reach first safely. This brought Kathy Wolf to the plate, and although Carlos Delgado got to the ball, he wasn’t able to make the throw to second. With two on and no outs, Tina Herrara fouled off several pitches and eventually worked a walk, loading the bases for Vic Soufle, who hit a short pop-up that dropped in front of the pitcher. Carlos Delgado quickly scooped it up and threw it to home for the first out, but catcher Tracy Hoban got greedy and flung it to third in an attempt to get the double play. The throw went wide, and Kathy Wolf took off for home, scoring the Floss’s fifth run and tying the game at a prorated 6-6. This brought Jeff Bagwell to the plate, and he delivered a ground-rule double that barely splashed into the waterfront in right field. Ricky Johnson loaded the bases with an infield single, and this was followed by a Brad Radke blooper towards third where Vic Soufle got past Tracy Hoban to score when she went for the ball. Tracy did get Jeff Bagwell out at third, but this put the Floss up 8-6 with runners on first and second for Emily Lewbell. She hit a ball directly in front of the second baseman, but he had a hard time getting to it, and shortstop Brenda Markart picked it up and hurled it to first base. Nomar Garciaparra hadn’t arrived at the bag yet, however, and it slammed into a log, staying in play and allowing everyone to advance another base. To make matters worse, when Nomar tried to make the throw to second, he couldn’t even get it halfway there, allowing Brad Radke to try for home and make it when Carlos Delgado was slow to pick up the ball and couldn’t quite get it to the plate. This put the Floss up 10-6, and even though their rally ended there with a Jody Palmer walk and Linda Potter strikeout (which saw the Brewers bring in right fielder Francis Blewer as a reliever), they still took a 4-run lead into the third inning.

The Brewers weren’t dead yet, however, and they started the third inning with a Carlos Delgado home run that got trapped behind the left field logs. They weren’t able to build on this, however, as Artie Pimbleton grounded out, Nomar Garciaparra popped out to first, and Tracy Hoban popped out to the pitcher. This allowed the Floss to take a 10-7 lead into the bottom half of the inning, and they capitalized on it, starting with a Kathy Wolf single and then a hit from Tina Herrara that would’ve been an infield single had the ball not been thrown past Nomar at first again. Instead, Kathy was able to cross home plate to give the Floss a prorated 12-7 lead, although Tina did get thrown out at third base when she tried to stretch the play into a triple. Vic Soufle then grounded out to the catcher, and it looked like the Brewers might escape the inning with minimal damage, as Jeff Bagwell came to the plate with nobody on for the first time. He had his best hit of the day then, smacking one into deep right center that a gassed Carlos Delgado took a while to get to and making it to third base. He would then score when Ricky Johnson hit a ball up the right-field line that Nomar Garciaparra had to go past Ricky to get and subsequently threw past Francis Blewer as she tried to cover first, sending the ball into right field. Brad Radke then hit a short dribbler up the third-base line, and it almost turned into another hit when Nomar flubbed the catch; however, he recovered and stepped on the bag to get the pitcher out, allowing the Brewers to enter the fourth inning down only 6 runs.

For the first time since the start of the game, Francis Blewer was allowed to start things off for the Brewers. She started with another ball off the log in left field, although this time it was a ground-rule double, and advanced to third on a single to center from PJ Shareef. With runners on the corners, Parker Collum came up looking for another three-run homer; instead, he hit a grounder that was thrown past Floss first baseman Emily Lewbell on the relay, allowing a run to score and putting two runners in scoring position for Brenda Markart. Brenda hit the ball into shallow center, and everyone attempted to advance; the strong arms of the Floss meant that the ball was thrown to third, and they could’ve gotten an out there (albeit while allowing a run to score), but instead third baseman Jeff Bagwell threw the ball to home a second too late, putting runners on the corners again and cutting the Brewers deficit to 4. After Brenda stole second, Vincent Sweet popped up to the pitcher. Carlos Delgado then hit a grounder that would have been an out, but jibbodahibbo chose to wave Parker Collum home. This was a poor choice, as Parker was not allowed to retreat under the rules, and instead waddled into an easy tag, leaving the Brewers with runners on first and second, two outs, and Artie Pimbleton at the plate. He delivered, however, smacking a long fly ball that just barely chunked off the log in left field for a three-run homer that cut the Floss’s lead to 13-12!

A Nomar Garciaparra single kept them in business, but at this point the Floss changed pitchers, bringing in Linda Potter from second base, and a grounder from Tracy Hoban ended the inning when she was thrown out at first. This brought the Floss back to the plate guarding a one-run lead, and they started things out with an Emily Lewbell single that came very, very close to being an out due to her poor speed. Naturally, she was a liability on the basepaths, and on the subsequent at-bat she was thrown out at second on a fielder’s choice. This left Jody Palmer on first, however, and Linda Potter advanced her with an infield single where Nomar Garciaparra just barely didn’t have the arm to get the ball to second base. Kathy Wolf then hit a single into shallow right field, and Jody Palmer scored on the relay towards home; Tina Herrara then walked to load the bases, and a run scored when Vic Soufle hit a dribbler between the pitcher and catcher that both of them went for.

The Floss were now up 15-12, with the bases loaded and Jeff Bagwell coming to the plate. Bagwell was 3-for-3 on the day, with each hit gaining another base; he’d hit a single, a double, and a triple, in that order. If trends were to hold, this next hit would be a home run, and he didn’t disappoint, as he worked a full count until he got the pitch he wanted. This one was sent sailing into right field as a high fly ball that landed well in front of an unmoving Carlos Delgado as the second baseman ran to try and catch up with the ball. It was only after the ball landed that Delgado grabbed it, and when the second baseman tried to run back to the infield, Carlos threw it into the back of his head. Naturally, the second baseman fell over, and Carlos went for the loose ball again. When he picked it up, however, he threw it to the second baseman again–despite the fact that the second baseman was deeper in the outfield than he was. Naturally, the second baseman attempted a desperate heave towards the infield, and it didn’t even get close. By this point, two runs had crossed the plate, a third was about to, and Jeff Bagwell was heading to third. As the closest player to the ball, Carlos Delgado went after it, and this time when he picked it up instead of throwing it deeper into the outfield he went to first base with the relay. By the time Nomar got the ball, Jeff Bagwell was halfway down the third base line, and his exhausted arm got the ball nowhere near the plate, allowing Bagwell to score on an error-filled inside-the-ballpark GRAND SLAM.

With proration, this put the Montana Floss up 20-12. Things would get worse for the Brewers from there, as they moved catcher Tracy Hoban to pitcher and put an exhausted (and weak) arm behind the plate. Ricky Johnson proceeded to hit an infield single that he turned into third base with a pair of steals, and scored when Brad Radke hit a bloop single into the outfield. Radke would then steal second, and would end up on third when Emily Lewbell was thrown out at first for the second out. Thankfully for the Brewers it would end there, as Jody Palmer struck out to end the inning.

Now down nine runs, the Brewers would need a miracle to claw their way back into the game. It would not come from Francis Blewer, as she would pop out to the catcher to start the inning, but PJ Shareef would provide the Brewers with some hope as he hit a single to left field. A pop-up to no-mans-land between third base and home plate seemed like it would put two runners on, but Linda Potter got to the ball just in time and made a fantastic throw to second base for the second out. Brenda Markart then hit the ball to right field, but it was scooped up quickly and thrown to second base by Brad Radke before Parker Collum could get there. The throw was dropped, however, and now with two runners on and two outs Vincent Sweet came up to bat. He hit a dribbler in front of the catcher and beat the throw to first to load the bases, giving Carlos Delgado (who had already hit a home run) a chance to be the hero. He did not deliver, however, instead popping out to the catcher to end the inning.

The Floss then took over, looking to extend their lead, and started things off with a single from Linda Potter. This ended in an out when a failed steal of second led to a rundown, but Kathy Wolf got on base with an infield single and subsequently stole third. A dribbler from Tina Herrara put runners on the corners, and after she stole second another dribbler from Vic Soufle loaded the bases for Jeff Bagwell, who laced another drive into the right-side power alley for a 3-run triple. Ricky then hit an infield single and stole second, freeing up first for Brad Radke, who hit a grounder to the left side that turned into a run when Jeff took off for home and Ricky took off for third, both making it easily. Emily then hit a single to score a run and put runners on the corners before stealing second herself, but Jody Palmer and Linda Potter both grounded out to the pitcher to end the inning. Still, this left the Brewers down 27-12 with only three outs to try and stage a comeback.

The Brewers’ final charge started well, with a first-pitch homer from Artie Pimbleton to make the score 27-13. Unfortunately for them, this was followed by a groundout to the pitcher from Nomar Garciaparra. Tracy Hoban got to first on a sharp line drive to centerfield, but a deep fly ball to center provided the second out. Now down to their very last chance, the Brewers sent PJ Shareef to the plate, and he provided a grounder that allowed Tracy to make it to second when pitcher Linda Potter flubbed the throw. Parker Collum then came up and hit a towering fly ball to left center that dropped just inside of the fence line before hopping over for a ground-rule double to make the score 27-14 and put two runners in scoring position for Brenda Markart. She got on base with an infield single, and then with the bases loaded Vincent Sweet provided a fly ball to center that Ricky Johnson dropped when trying to come over and make the play from left field. With the score now 27-15, Carlos Delgado came up to bat, but he would be denied as he hit a fly ball to Jody Palmer for the final out of the game.

Montana Floss 27, Junior Brewers 15

Player of the game: In Week 4 of Season 5, Brewers coach jibbodahibbo made it his personal mission to humiliate Jeff Bagwell. It may have taken more than two and a half seasons, but Bagwell got his revenge in this one, and in convincing fashion no less, as he hit a single, a double, two triples, and an inside-the-ballpark home run–that last one a grand slam where the Brewers made several very, very, very poor decisions on what to do with the ball. For his efforts, he finished with 8 RBIs and scored four times, knocked jibbodahibbo’s team out of the playoffs, got his team a chance at the playoffs, and was named the Backyard Conference’s BATTER OF THE WEEK!

FRONTYARD CONFERENCE

Minnesota Twins 12, Little Giants -2

Let’s not bury the lede here: Minnesota needed to win to have a shot at making the playoffs. Of course, they needed either the Dodgers or Athletics to lose to force a play-in game, but step one was always going to be grabbing a win. That’s exactly what they did against the overmatched and over-their-head Little Giants, who struggled once again at Dirt Yards, losing to the AI 2-0. All the Twins had to do was just not die, and they did more than required, scoring 10 runs on 13 hits and a walk and shutting out the Giants anemic offense. End result? The Twins forced their way into a play-in game–provided that either the Dodgers or the Athletics (or both) lost.

Player of the game: Once again, Julie Dunkel did it all for Minnesota, going 2-for-4 on offense with a single and a home run to score twice and knock in 2 runs, while on the mound she pitched a 4-hit shutout complete with a massive 11 strikeouts to get named the Frontyard Conference’s PITCHER OF THE WEEK. The Twins will need these types of performances if they do manage to make a play-in game (or, for that matter, the playoffs).

New York Yankees 14, Los Angeles Dodgers 1

Unlike the Twins game, this one was a surprise. Los Angeles struggled mightily against the Yankees and produced their worst game of the season run-wise, as they scored 2 runs on 11 hits and allowed a run defensively in a game filled with pop-ups and stranded runners. (Turns out the Dodgers aren’t so great when they can’t hit it out…that, or they just had a really bad day.) As for New York, they got back to .500 by hitting 17 singles to score 12 runs and shutting down their opponent. What’s this mean for the future? Well, Marco will probably stay on as the New York Yankees head coach, but more notably this means that the Twins and Dodgers will face off against each other in a play-in game for the second seed from the Frontyard Conference and the chance to face off against the Purple Sox. Unless, of course, the Athletics lost as well, in which case Los Angeles would clinch the top seed and a battle against the Boston Cubs.

Player of the game: Who’s that making a late push for the Ace Wilson? Why, it’s none other than New York Yankees pitcher Tom Glass, who faced down 21 batters, allowed five hits, and threw eight strikeouts in just fifty pitches of work. He also went 1-for-3 at the plate with a single and ended up scoring a run. After the game, he thanked Jody Palmer for saving him from a bully earlier in the week.

Junior Athletics 9, Humongous Hornets 5
With the Dodgers and Twins now 10-4, the Junior Athletics had a chance to clinch the best record in the Frontyard Conference and a playoff berth. It was all on the line for them: a win would get them in, and a loss would force them into a play-in game. So what’d they do? They took care of business, with a game that was good enough if not fantastic. The Athletics posted a 9-0 shutout against the Hornets as they turned 18 hits (including 3 home runs) into those runs, while the Hornets ended their season not with a bang but with a whimper, scoring 6 at home off of 16 hits and a walk while allowing two runs defensively. Consequently, the Athletics finish their season with the #1 seed in the Frontyard Conference and an opening playoff matchup against the Boston Cubs, while the Humongous Hornets have now fought back from being 0-6 to start the year to going 4-4 to end it and finishing 4-10.

Player of the game: The Athletics may have struggled a bit against the Hornets defense, but one batter who didn’t struggle was Wendy Parsons. In the final game of the season, the Athletics catcher went 3-for-4 with 3–count ’em, 3–home runs, knocking in 5 RBIs with her blasts. Also, she’s on the shortlist of Goldie Glove nominees!

Florida Marlins 2.6, Tampa Bay Devil Rays 2

Since Tampa Bay was now decisively eliminated from the playoffs, their coach showed up hungover, and it showed up on the field, as while the Devil Rays shut out their competition they were only able to score a pair of runs on the Marlins defense. We have no word on whether the Marlins coach was suffering under the same ailment, but his team did slightly better offensively by using 11 hits to score 3 runs while doing slightly worse defensively and giving up 7 hits and a run. In the end, both teams finished with a run differential of 2; since the Marlins were the home team, they got the proration bonus and the benefit of the doubt, and took home their sixth win of the season to finish 6-8. The Tampa Bay Devil Rays finished 7-7 and tied for fourth place with the New York Yankees.

Player of the game: On a day when nobody did much, Barry Bonds did the most, almost willing the Marlins to a win. He went 2-for-3 with a single and a triple, and although he didn’t finish with any RBIs, he scored twice. These scores proved to be what the Marlins needed, and so he takes home the award.

Playoff Status

The Junior Athletics are in with the best record in the division, the #1 seed, and an opening series with the Boston Cubs. The #2 seed? That’s going to come down to a play-in game between the Los Angeles Dodgers and Minnesota Twins on the neutral site of Parks Department Field #2 (both teams will be at home for this one). The winner gets to play the Purple Sox in the first round of the playoffs, while the loser gets to play in the consolation tournament.

INDOOR CONFERENCE

Super-Duper Melonheads 8, Boston Reds 3

Neither of these teams had strong seasons, and they were both hunting for a final win to close things out and give them a tiny bit of positive momentum for next year. For the Boston Reds, it was once again a story of not enough offense, as they struggled once again, managing only three runs and six hits. This was the reprieve the Melonheads needed, as they put up an above-average performance for them, scoring 7 runs at home off of 14 hits and a walk and throwing a shutout complete with 8 strikeouts. Did this help the Melonheads out of last place? No, they still finished 2-12, and the Reds finished 3-11. It’s probably best for both these teams to just put the season behind them as soon as possible.

Player of the game: You can say what you want about the Super-Duper Melonheads, but they never stopped fighting. Emblematic of this is their pitcher, Angela Delvecchio, who worked her way to a conference-leading 112 strikeouts, 8 of which were contributed in this game as she threw a 5-hit shutout. Also of note is her batting performance, where she went 2-for-3 with a single and a double, scoring once and batting one run in. After the game, when asked her thoughts on the season, she merely requested to never play on the same team as her brother ever again.

Arizona Diamondbacks 24, Seattle Fishes 18

It was the Seattle Fishes last hurrah, and against the best team in the conference they certainly made a good showing as they produced their best score of the season. Their 15-0 home win saw them grab 21 hits and a walk, including 5 home runs, and had them procure a three-hit shutout from starting pitcher Kristen Sullivan and reliever Perry Marx. Unfortunately, it wasn’t quite enough for them to keep up with the Diamondbacks, who once again layered on the runs by scoring 24 on 30 hits and pitching a shutout of their own. This means that the Fishes won’t finish at .500, instead ending the season at 6-8 on a two-game losing streak, but also means that the Diamondbacks finish 13-1 with their only loss being a very close game to the Rangers.

Player of the game: Remember how I said I wasn’t going to give Jay Green any more recognition in this space in the regular season this year? Well consider that promise upheld! Randy Johnson was deadly on the mound in this one, going the distance with a 1-hit shutout where he threw 9 strikeouts and made a late push for the Ace Wilson award and got named the Indoor Conference’s PITCHER OF THE WEEK!

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angles Association 30, Texas Rangers 1

It’s been said that Jomar would be a great coach if he could just focus for an entire season (and the postseason too, of course). That was well on display this season, as the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angles Association put up the third-best run differential in the league (+154, behind only the Purple Sox [+161] and the Arizona Diamondbacks [+172]). The Angeles once again showcased their occasional dominance in the last game of the season, as they slapped 34 hits and drew 3 walks on their way to scoring 30. Along the way they put Johnny Omar on the mound for a last hurrah, where he threw a shutout with 10 strikeouts (although Mr. Clanky did most of the heavy lifting, throwing 33 of the 60 pitches thrown by the Angels). Meanwhile, the Texas Rangers just bumbled through their final game, laying an egg as they only scored 3 runs on 12 hits and allowing 2 runs to cross the plate defensively. This leaves the Angels out of the playoffs, but does raise the possibility of what might have been if they had been able to win just one more game (or the Rangers had lost one more) and force a play-in game against the Rangers.

Player of the game: Mr. Clanky has an unusual award this week. Usually, when he wins, it’s as the Indoor Conference’s PITCHER OF THE WEEK. This time, however, he was the Indoor Conference’s BATTER OF THE WEEK, as he strung together two doubles, a triple, and two home runs to create a 5-for-6 game where he scored 4 times and finished with 9 RBIs.

Baltimore Bombers 8.6, Milwaukee Braves 8

The Braves once again put up a good fight on the road, but it wasn’t quite enough, as Baltimore snuck past them to claim their ninth win. For the Braves, it went as many of their away games have gone: strong pitching coupled reasonable hitting. Milwaukee scored 8 runs on a walk and 13 hits, 5 of which were homers, and saw Shohei Ohtani shut down the Bombers AI as he tossed a 4-hit shutout complete with 9 strikeouts. Unfortunately, the Bombers did just a little better, scoring 8 runs as well off of 15 hits. While the Bombers did allow a run, this was more than made up for by home proration, and Milwaukee took another tough loss.

Player of the game: A man, a plan, a pair of bombs; am I talking about a terrorist attack? No, it’s Fred Benson, who went 3-for-3 with a single and a pair of homers for the Bombers. More interesting than that, however, is that he finished with 8 RBIs. That’s right, Fred Benson batted in every single run the Bombers scored this week. Is that overreliance on one player? Maybe, but it works for the Diamondbacks.

Playoff Status

The Arizona Diamondbacks claim the #1 seed and will start the playoffs with a series against the Backyard Conference’s #4 seed. The Texas Rangers claim the #2 seed and will have a series against the Wizard Wombats.

BACKYARD CONFERENCE

Red Phillies 14, Wizard Wombats 12

The Red Phillies playoff hopes were dangling by a thread, but in the final game of the season the Phillies kept those hopes alive. Facing a fading Wombats team, they did just enough to win, scoring 15 runs on 20 hits and a walk while allowing only a single run. Meanwhile, their AI stood up for the first time since the start of the season (aka before it got figured out), allowing only 12 and scoring 2 as the Wombats stumbled their way to a prorated 12-run performance. The Wombats now find themselves permanently locked into the #3 seed, while the Phillies have definitely forced a series of play-in games if the Monsters lose.

Player of the game: With a lot of the Phillies worse games, the bombs have still fallen, but nobody’s been on base when they do, limiting their effectiveness. That’s what happened this week, as the Phillies hit 7 homers but only got 15 runs in total. Perhaps the crown prince of this turn of events was Sammy Sosa, who went 4-for-4 with a single and 3–count ’em, 3–home runs, but only garnered 4 RBIs for his efforts. (To add insult to injury, he didn’t end up scoring on his single.) A great effort deserves recognition, though, and a 3-homer day is definitely a great effort.

Purple Sox 26, Baltimore Orioles 9

As far as playoff positioning went, this game was the least important one in the Backyard this week. The Purple Sox already had a one-game lead over everyone else in the conference, and a win here would simply lock them into the #1 seed while a loss would only push them into second place if the Boston Cubs also won. Faced with the weakest team in the Backyard Conference, the Purple Sox took care of business. The Baltimore Orioles did put up a fight, winning 8-0 at home in a game where they produced 13 hits and 4 walks, but it wasn’t enough to keep up with the Purple Sox, who concluded their dominant run through the second half of the season with a 26-0 romp that destroyed the Orioles, locked the Purple Sox into the first seed, and saw them finishing the season with six straight wins.

Player of the game: Great Scott, did Scotty Roth of the Purple Sox do well! He may have only gone 4-for-7 (“only”), but those four were a single, two doubles, and a triple that combined to bring in 7 runs. He also scored four times himself, and is definitely looking to continue his work as the Purple Sox enter the playoffs.

Boston Cubs 13, Green Monsters 12

This game was arguably the most important one of the week, as far as the Backyard Conference goes. If the Monsters won, they’d claim the final Backyard seed and render the wins by the Phillies and Floss unimportant. If they lost, though, there would be a three-way tie with extra baseball to make it in. It all came down to which team could perform better, and as was characteristic of almost every Cubs game this season, it was a close, low-scoring affair. Boston had nothing to play for, as they’d clinched the second seed regardless of what happened, but they put up a solid showing offensively, scoring 14 runs on 28 hits. Defensively it was another matter, as they allowed 3 runs on 5 hits, but that was still good enough to put them at +11. It then came down to the Monsters to show what they could do, and although they started slow, they picked up the pace at the tail end of the game, finishing with 13 runs scored off of 18 hits and a walk (with 8 of those hits being homers). Defensively, they allowed a run, but this still gave them a +12 on the day, which would have been enough for a win–were it not for home team proration, which bumped the Boston Cubs from a +11 to a +13 and allowed them to slide past the Monsters. This means that the Green Monsters are now in a three-way tie with the Red Phillies and Montana Floss–a tie that they have the advantage in but that will be decided by play-in games over the course of the next week.

Player of the game: Give Yvonne Carter credit, she wanted the playoffs! She was okay at the plate, going 2-for-4 with a single and a triple and finishing with 1 RBI and scoring once. But on the mound–oh, on the mound, she was fantastic, as she threw an incredibly efficient 35-pitch perfect game and was named the Backyard Conference’s PITCHER OF THE WEEK! She also expressed confidence in the Monsters chances after the game, saying that she thinks they can take care of business.

Playoff Status

The Purple Sox have the #1 seed and will face the winner of the Frontyard play-in game. The Boston Cubs have the #2 seed and will face the Junior Athletics. The Wizard Wombats have the #3 seed and will face the Texas Rangers. As for the #4 seed…that’s gonna have to wait a bit. The Montana Floss, Red Phillies, and Green Monsters are in a three-way tie, with the Monsters slightly ahead of their competition on tiebreakers. What this means is that the Montana Floss and Red Phillies will face each other in a play-in game on the neutral site of Parks Department Field #2–so that the winner can get to another play-in game against the Green Monsters on the neutral site of Parks Department Field #2. (As with the Frontyard play-in game, all teams will be at home.) Whomever ends up surviving this bracket will end up facing the Arizona Diamondbacks.

FINAL STANDINGS

Backyard Conference
Purple Sox [aesnop] (11-3)
Boston Cubs [KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS] (10-4)
Wizard Wombats [Wizard] (9-5)
Green Monsters [Yurya] (6-8)
Red Phillies [crazyei8hts] (6-8)
Montana Floss [JorgesBankAccount] (6-8)
Junior Brewers [jibbodahibbo] (5-9)
Baltimore Orioles [Mavfatha] (3-11)

Indoor Conference
Arizona Diamondbacks [Sisu] (13-1)
Texas Rangers [Jyknight] (10-4)
Baltimore Bombers [jlund/Repub] (9-5)
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angles Association [JOMAR] (9-5)
Seattle Fishes [elchrisblanco] (6-8)
Milwaukee Braves [Natetastic] (4-10)
Boston Reds [shrewsbury] (3-11)
Super-Duper Melonheads [Eauxps I. Fourgott] (2-12)

Frontyard Conference
Junior Athletics [MelloMathTeacher] (11-3)
Los Angeles Dodgers [hitace] (10-4)
Minnesota Twins [Toast] (10-4)
New York Yankees [Marco] (7-7)
Tampa Bay Devil Rays [T-Boz] (7-7)
Florida Marlins [skolgamingnetwork] (6-8)
Humongous Hornets [Vissery] (4-10)
Little Giants [SilverBullet102] (1-13)

PLAYOFFS

BACKYARD
#1 Purple Sox [aesnop] (11-3)[y]
#2 Boston Cubs [KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS] (10-4)[x]
#3 Wizard Wombats [Wizard] (9-5)[x]
#4 Green Monsters [Yurya] (6-8)

IN THE HUNT
#5 Red Phillies [crazyei8hts] (6-8)
#6 Montana Floss [JorgesBankAccount] (6-8)

INDOOR
#1 Arizona Diamondbacks [Sisu] (13-1) [y]
#2 Texas Rangers [Jyknight] (10-4) [x]

FRONTYARD
#1 Junior Athletics [MelloMathTeacher] (11-3) [y]
#2 Los Angeles Dodgers [hitace] (10-4)

IN THE HUNT
#3 Minnesota Twins [Toast] (10-4)

x=clinched playoff berth, y=clinched #1 seed in conference

ODE TO THE ELIMINATED

The season is over (well, kind of), and because of so many ties, there’s going to be a week of play-in games. Consequently, there are 11 teams still technically alive for the playoffs at the end of the season, but the other 13 deserve some attention of their own. Without further ado, here it is: a spotlight on the eliminated teams.

FRONTYARD CONFERENCE

Little Giants
Coach: SilverBullet102
Record: 1-13 (8th place)
Preseason projections: 5-9 7th place (crazyei8hts), 8th place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

It wasn’t the best year for the Little Giants. And the reason for that is simple: the Giants just weren’t a very well put-together team. They had bright spots, like Ichiro (always good to have) and Amanda Hellerman on the mound, the latter of which they rode to the second-best defense in the Frontyard Conference (7.1 runs allowed per game). The offense was weak, however, with only one true power hitter and a huge lack of speed, and this combined with SilverBullet’s inexperience meant the Little Giants suffered through a long season of failure, made worse by the fact that the little offense they were able to muster dropped off halfway through the season–which is a shame, because they did look to have turned a corner in Week 5 and Week 6, where they scored 7 runs twice and snatched their only win. If they were ever able to regain that momentum, they would’ve been…well, probably not a force to be reckoned with, but they definitely would’ve been able to play spoiler at times.

Humongous Hornets
Coach: Vissery
Record: 4-10 (7th place)
Preseason projections: 7-7 5th place (crazyei8hts), 4th place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

As is the case with several struggling teams, the Humongous Hornets problems started with the draft. Vissery intentionally pursued a “studs and duds” draft style, intending to pick up great players by trading up to have a bunch of picks in the first two rounds and finish off his team with one-trick ponies in the later rounds where he’d also have a bunch of picks. (Part of this strategy was also to have Albert Pujols on the team twice; this plan was destroyed when the Los Angeles Dodgers inexcusably took him at #7 overall.) His plan left him heavy on power hitters and fairly low on speed–and not even necessarily the best power hitters. This was capped off by Vissery deciding to play all his games in a single week and get it over with–long story short, this did not work out that great for the Humongous Hornets, and they started 0-6 before going .500 down the stretch. There’s hope for next season, though: Vissery now has a better grasp of everything that impacts draftability, and he’s had plenty of time to practice.

Florida Marlins
Coach: skolgamingnetwork
Record: 6-8 (6th place)
Preseason projections: 9-5 2nd place (crazyei8hts), 2nd place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

Unlike with the previous two teams, something that was never in doubt with the Marlins was the quality of their draft. As the fastest team in the conference with a lot of solid hitting that would allow them to play small ball, it was expected that the Marlins could effectively compete for a playoff seed, with the only question being their coach’s abilities. This turned out to be the downfall of the Marlins, as an examination of the team’s game videos shows a simple problem: the coach didn’t know how to stance shift. Being perpetually stuck in Squared mode is a significant handicap, and because of it the Marlins struggled, with their offense unable to produce as well as they might have otherwise. The Marlins still came close to a .500 record, and with a better understanding of the mechanics, they could’ve moved beyond “what might have been.”

Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Coach: T-Boz
Record: 7-7 (t-4th place)
Preseason projections: 8-6 3rd place (crazyei8hts), 6th place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

There were two multi-season veterans in the Frontyard Conference this season (Vissery was technically a veteran as well, but three games as a substitute for another coach doesn’t really hold the same cache as two seasons of competition). T-Boz was the only one with playoff experience, having won an incredibly weak NL West with a 5-9 record, but was still kept in the Frontyard largely because of that 5-9 record. In drafting his team, he went for speed, speed, and more speed, and it seemed to work out for the most part; the Tampa Bay Devil Rays came the closest to a playoff spot of all the now-eliminated teams, sitting at 7-4 with three weeks to play after going 4-3 through the first half of the season and then 3-1 through the first part of the second half. The wheels fell off there, however, as the Dodgers dismantled their defense with a 41-run outing, the Twins took care of business to stay alive, and the Marlins won a squeaker to push the Devil Rays down to .500. Still, this is an improvement over last season (record-wise, if not results-wise), and T-Boz should look to build on it.

New York Yankees
Coach: Marco
Record: 7-7 (t-4th place)
Preseason projections: 9-5 1st place (crazyei8hts), 3rd place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

Not that fun fact: Marco was the other multi-season veteran in the Frontyard this season. Actual fun fact: he and T-Boz had very similar records entering the season, at 7-19 for Marco and 8-19 for T-Boz. Even more fun fact: at the end of this season, they’re still in a dead heat, with Marco holding a career record of 14-26 and T-Boz a record of 15-26. (The Devil Rays swept the Yankees this season, though.) For the Yankees, it was a season of ups and downs. They started off well, winning their first two games, and held reasonably steady until Week 8, where they were 5-3. Disaster struck over their next four games, as they fell to 5-7, but they won their last two games to finish 7-7. In the end, the Yankees were once again an also-ran, but this time they weren’t murdered by their home field (they finished 4-3 at Tin Can Alley) and there’s reason to believe they might be better next season.

INDOOR CONFERENCE

Super-Duper Melonheads
Coach: Eauxps I. Fourgott
Record: 2-12 (8th place)
Preseason projections: 9-5 3rd place (crazyei8hts), 5th place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

That bit about how many of the poorer teams have problems that started with the draft applies here. Like Vissery, Eauxps pursued an unorthodox drafting strategy, but instead of trying to pick up a bunch of early picks and accept a bunch of late picks, Eauxps instead pushed the entirety of his draft to the fourth and fifth rounds. He drafted suboptimally there, however, as he admitted in his projections; since he focused more on individual players than the team, the Melonheads weren’t as well-structured as they could’ve been, although they did end up as the speediest team in the league. As with a lot of other poorly-performing teams, however, there were problems with coaching as well as structure. Although the Melonheads performed reasonably well in preseason, Eauxps entered a hitting slump pretty much from the moment he entered the season, and consequently the Melonheads had trouble putting runners on base and getting them in, finishing the season with the worst offense in the conference. When coupled with the worst defense in the conference, the results shouldn’t be surprising: an incredibly disappointing season (and, perhaps, proof that the opposite of studs and duds isn’t necessarily success). Eauxps has had success in the past, though, and with some better drafting he should be able to put this season behind him.

Boston Reds
Coach: shrewsbury91
Record: 3-11 (7th place)
Preseason projections: 4-10 8th place (crazyei8hts), 8th place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

Technically the Boston Reds did better than predicted, but that’s not because the projections were wrong about them. (They were wrong about the Melonheads–and the Diamondbacks, while we’re on the subject–but that’s another thing entirely.) The big red flags came from the fact that the previous season, shrewsbury had put together a very strong defense but had trouble scoring runs; with an offense that appeared just as weak and a defense that was nowhere near as good, it was expected that the Reds would struggle to score and would give up too much. This wasn’t exactly inaccurate, as Boston’s 7.1 runs per game ranked 6th (7th place: Milwaukee Braves, 5.5 runs per game; 8th place: Super-Duper Melonheads, 5.4 runs per game) and their 13.3 runs allowed per game ranked 7th. These troubles saw them lose 11 games, and the Reds finished near (but not at) the bottom of the standings.

Milwaukee Braves
Coach: Natetastic28
Record: 4-10 (6th place)
Preseason projections: 4-10 7th place (crazyei8hts), 6th place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

For teams with really weak records, I’ve blamed drafting and coaching (and often both). In this case, drafting was an issue, and the jury’s still out on coaching, but here I’d like to throw the field into the mix. As the last coach in the Indoor Conference to pick his field, he was stuck with whatever was left, and consequently found himself stuck at Sandy Flats. Now, I personally love Sandy Flats (it’s tied for my favorite field in this version of Backyard Baseball with Dirt Yards), but a lot of people hate it, and it’s not hard to see why: it’s a huge, defensively-oriented field where running is hard to do and runs are hard to come by. On top of this, the strategy that I’ve found works best is counterintuitive: instead of trying to blast the ball deep into the cavernous outfield, it’s best to load up on speed and outrun the throws to first. (I know, it’s the opposite of what you’d expect would work at a speed-negating field, but the fielders are slowed down getting to the ball too, and if they’re already slow, that provides opportunities for a faster team that they wouldn’t necessarily get on a faster field.) Natetastic went with the “big bats” strategy, but ended up fairly low on speed and had trouble hitting home runs at Sandy Flats (probably because the deepest part of the park is over 300 feet from home plate). Stuck with a field they didn’t want, with a team that wasn’t built right for it, the Milwaukee Braves struggled through a tough season, where at home they won one game (a 1-1 game won on the home tiebreaker where they only scored one run) and only put up 15 runs total (if you don’t want to do the math, that’s 2.14 runs per game, which isn’t exactly fantastic). On the road, they did much better, going 3-4 and scoring 62 runs (8.86 runs per game), so Natetastic at least has hope that next season will be better–especially if he can get off the beach.

Seattle Fishes
Coach: elchrisblanco
Record: 6-8 (5th place)
Preseason projections: 10-4 2nd place (crazyei8hts), 2nd place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

This season was…a disappointment for the Fishes. There were high hopes for the team coming into the season, buoyed by how elchrisblanco caught fire once he got used to his team the previous season (seriously, he went on a rampage as he swept the back half of the schedule and won a tiebreaker game to slip into the playoffs after starting out 1-3). Many prognosticators thought that he’d be able to carry that momentum into the new season but that turned out to be not the case. It was to a large extent a worse replay of Season 6 for the coach, as the Fishes started the season 0-4, went into the All-Star Break 2-5, gained momentum in the latter half of the season to rise to 6-6. The problem is that Seattle started worse, faced tougher competition, and there were fewer playoff spots available (2 spots fought over by 8 teams instead of 4 spots fought over by 12 teams). Oh, and there’s also the fact that the Diamondbacks and Rangers clinched those two spots very, very, very fast. Ultimately, it was a disappointing season, but the biggest question is whether elchrisblanco will ever start out hot; since he tends to need time to figure out his team, a hot start would be very, very, very worrying for his competition. If he can do that next season, watch out.

Baltimore Bombers
Coach: jlund24/Repub92
Record: 9-5 (t-3rd place)
Preseason projections: 10-4 1st place (crazyei8hts), 3rd place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

Say what you will about Baltimore, they were one of the toughest teams in the Indoor Conference. They weathered a coaching change, a minor cheating controversy, playing a couple of home games at the wrong field, and being an a conference where there were two dominant teams vying for two playoff spots with skill and aplomb. In the end, what it comes down to is a bit of bad luck, a bit of not quite being good enough, a bit of just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Had the Diamondbacks not been so dominant, or had the Rangers stumbled earlier in the season, or had the Bombers won just one more game, they’d be in the running for a playoff spot, but the fact that despite a midseason coaching change from jlund to Repub, Repub accidentally cheating by using power-ups in what ended up being a loss (let’s be clear here: the rules were not clearly explained to Repub, and he stuck to them once they were. Repub plays fair), and playing a couple of home games at the wrong field, Baltimore stuck it out and did so well? I’d say that this season should leave both coaches feeling good (especially Repub, who went 5-2 in his stint as head coach).

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angles Association
Coach: Jomar aka NateInDisney aka #Kobe aka whatever he’s calling himself this month
Record: 9-5 (t-3rd place)
Preseason projections: 6-8 5th place (crazyei8hts), 4th place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

I had a long rant here, but it’d be beyond the pale to post it. So let me just summarize why the Angels aren’t getting a nice summary.

Jomar refused to play unless he wasn’t in the top tier, despite the fact that he would likely have been on the same level as much of Backyard. (The fact that he had the #1 offense and #2 defense in the Indoor Conference bears this premise out.) He therefore forced his way into Indoor under the assumption that it’d be easier for him to win. Then, when it turned out that two teams were dominating the conference, he protested the “unfairness” of him being unlikely to make the playoffs by throwing a game. (He didn’t mention the unfairness of forcing a schedule against weaker competition, you’ll notice.) The funny thing is that because the Texas Rangers dropped four games to end the season, including their final game against Anaheim, the Angels would have forced a play-in game with them if they had just won one more game…such as, for example, the one they forfeited in protest.

BACKYARD CONFERENCE

Baltimore Orioles
Coach: Mavfatha
Record: 3-11 (8th place)
Preseason projections: 3-11 8th place (crazyei8hts), 2nd place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

Prior to the season, there were two schools of thought about this team. One of them was that the Orioles were well-drafted and set up to make a run at the playoffs. The other held that Mavfatha wasn’t quite good enough to be in the top tier of teams and would suffer. That second group was proven correct, although there’s more to it than that: in addition to Mavfatha not really being strong enough to compete with the top coaches (at least at the present moment), there’s also the fact that Vissery’s discovery of several hidden stats made the Orioles seem much weaker overall (the Orioles were very weak in terms of game sense, stamina, and catching ability). On top of that, despite having drafted a couple of renowned mashers, their home games took place at The Paveway, a field that isn’t very homer-friendly. To make matters worse, Mavfatha’s experiment with putting Marky Dubois and Billy Jean Blackwood on the same team didn’t work out as he planned, as while Marky Dubois was permanently boosted, becoming reasonably fast with good pitching ability, Billy Jean Blackwood was a permanent anchor on the team’s prospects. The ultimate verdict from him and others was that this experiment didn’t work, and neither did many things for the Orioles this season. It’s not his fault, though; the Orioles were just placed in several bad situations that they couldn’t recover from.

Junior Brewers
Coach: jibbodahibbo
Record: 5-9 (7th place)
Preseason projections: 8-6 3rd place (crazyei8hts), 6th place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

Although the Brewers finished with the fourth-best offense (16.6 runs per game) and second-best defense (15.9 runs allowed per game, tied with the Montana Floss) in the Backyard Conference, they were the second team eliminated and barely missed out on a play-in game. That’s a shame, because they have the best run differential of any team outside the top three (+11, with the Floss posting a +6, the Phillies posting a -50, and the Monsters posting a -70; those three are engaged in play-ins). So what’s the culprit behind this deserving team missing out? Close games. There were plenty of those this season, and the Brewers found themselves on the wrong end of those games more often than not, with a 2-5 record in games decided by 2 runs or less. Flip one of those losses, and the Brewers have a play-in game; flip two, and the Brewers make the playoffs. They were a pretty good squad, and should arguably be in the playoffs right now; it’s just bad luck that kept them out, so the future looks bright for jibbodahibbo.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

“Hey, I’m a real journalist! There’s at least one error in every article I write, and that’s if you exclude the outright fabrications.” ­– JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach and writer of recaps, on reporting standards

“The Phillies season is complete! Filled with more ups and downs than I’m used to, but we had a blast. Now time to see if the miracle happens or if we join the consolation bracket.” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, on finishing the season

“This team sucks. I’d rather be dead than pick Terry again.” – Vissery, Humongous Hornets not-coach, on finishing the season

“I have the second-most strikeouts among all teams behind the Giants. How?” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, on finishing the season

“Thankful for the offseason. This nightmare is over.” – SilverBullet102, Little Giants head coach, on finishing the season

“Rest assured I’ll milk the postseason for all it’s worth.” ­– MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on just being glad to make the playoffs

“Never. Put me. With Tony. Again.” – Angela Delvecchio, Super-Duper Melonheads starting pitcher, on finishing the season

“Right backatcha, sis.” – Tony Delvecchio, Super-Duper Melonheads, on finishing the season

“Hungover. If you wanna write that into this week you can.” – T-Boz, Tampa Bay Devil Rays head coach, who probably shouldn’t be in charge of children

“Start drinking again. It’ll fix it.” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, on being the all-American kid from New York City

“If Marco wins, he should be put in the playoffs over hitace.” – Vissery, Humongous Hornets not-coach, on the Dodgers-Yankees matchup

“I don’t think the Dodgers will lose.” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, on the Dodgers-Yankees matchup

“I think the Dodgers would be better off if they faced the Purple Sox. Maybe hitace needs to lose a game to up the chances of winning.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on looking towards the future

“Hit nothing but pop-ups. Still annoyed.” – hitace, Los Angeles Dodgers head coach, on the poor performance of the Los Angeles Dodgers

“Now that is losing with style.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, Boston Cubs head coach, on the value of making your own decisions

“The Junior Athletics have claimed sole possession of the Frontyard League title!” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on having the best record in the Frontyard

“YANKEES WON! WE’RE THE FRONTYARD CHAMPS!” – Wendy Parsons, Junior Athletics, on being on the best team in the Frontyard Conference

“I’m good at this game.” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, on finishing 7-7

“WE’RE AMAZING! CUBS WON’T KNOW WHAT HIT ‘EM!” – Dawn Cozart, Junior Athletics, on overconfidence

“Oh, my goodness. Can’t believe this is happening. It was an arduous journey, and I could never have anticipated doing this well. Multiple preseason pundits [Editor’s note: one guy] predicted us to finish last, and for good reason. I had almost no idea what I was doing to start off. Asked so many questions and got so much help. Did a ton of reading, got to know my kids, studied up on opposing teams, lots of practice and strategy meetings, and it’s led to this level of success. I want to thank my family for supporting me, my assistant coach for helping me manage my crew of kids. Most important, I want to thank the kids themselves. They’re so fun to be around, they’re super coachable, and they remind me of what’s great about being a kid. Huge thanks to the media too for covering our season and quoting us responsibly and fairly. It’s on to the playoffs now. I know the top dogs of the Backyard division are incredibly good at what they do and have coached for much longer than I have. It’ll be a monumental task to try to emerge victorious against one of them. But we’re going to try. We’re going to throw the kitchen sink at them. The kids will be ready. Speaking of, where are…oh. Oh god! AAAAAAAAAHHH!” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on being brutally devoured by the children he coached in a sacred ritual designed to bring them victory in the postseason

“Dogpiles feel better than I thought they would.” – Todd Xavier, Junior Athletics starting pitcher, on participating in a sacred ritual designed to bring his team victory in the postseason

“Phillies stay alive!” – Jyknight, Texas Rangers head coach, on the Red Phillies forcing a play-in game

“Let our opponents tremble before our bats.” – Yvonne Carter, Green Monsters, on the upcoming play-in games

“If I win this game, it should be titled ‘Bagwell’s Revenge.'” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on Jeff Bagwell’s revenge on jibbodahibbo

“I don’t think it’s physically possible to handle this much floss.” – Vissery, Humongous Hornets not-coach, on the Montana Floss’s constant foul balls

“And with that the regular season is over.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on the final result coming in

“And just like that, the regular season is done!” – Sisu, Arizona Diamondbacks head coach, on the final result coming in

“Well what do you know, the season has ended.” – Vissery, Humongous Hornets not-coach, on the final result coming in

“It appears the regular season is complete.” – Toast, Minnesota Twins head coach, on the final result coming in

“Hey guys, I think we might be finished with the regular season.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, on the final result coming in

“I bit the inside of my cheek yesterday and now it hurts. Life is eternal suffering.” – Vissery, Humongous Hornets not-coach, on pain

“I hurt myself today to see if I still feel.” – Trent Reznor, Nine Inch Nails, agreeing with Vissery

“I LOVE YOU GUYS! THIS TEAM IS THE BEST!” – Courtney Valentino, Junior Athletics, on participating in a sacred ritual designed to bring her team victory in the postseason

Week 13 brought us closer to playoff time, brought us a few more eliminations, and brought us an immense amount of drama heading into the final week! I’m in a constant state of near heart attack, and the team I coach should’ve been eliminated three weeks ago! How tight are the playoff races? Heck, how tight were the games! (Very tight.) Week 13 recap ahoy!

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK

Super-Duper Melonheads vs. Baltimore Bombers

Both these teams had been eliminated from playoff contention well before this game began, and only one of them was in the race to begin with. The Baltimore Bombers had started their season by alternating wins and losses through their first few weeks and were 4-3 at the midpoint of the season when their coach jlund24 was forced to leave due to lack of time for the team; however, Repub92 was waiting in the wings to take over, and kept the Bombers at least competitive, going 3-2 and giving them an overall record of 9-5 (one that was unfortunately not enough to keep them in the playoff race with the Arizona Diamondbacks and Texas Rangers dominating the Indoor Conference). As for the Super-Duper Melonheads, their novel drafting strategy of going mostly for mid-round picks and trying to build a competitive team with no true studs on the roster had failed miserably, with them losing 11 of 12 games and the team falling to last place in the conference. Still, the Melonheads were almost always able to put up a fight if nothing else, and they were looking to do so again against the Bombers from Baltimore.

As the away team, the Melonheads were the first ones up to bat as both the player side and the AI. The player side started things off poorly with a Stuart Sullivan strikeout, but the AI got a runner on first, followed it up with a Tanya Uchida ground rule double, and then brought the runner on third home with an Angela Delvecchio sacrifice fly to left field. This quick lead seemed to give the player-controlled Melonheads confidence, as Alexis Weis hit a base hit to right field that she extended into a double with some sharp baserunning, and the Melonheads put Luanne Lui on with an infield single to give Tanya Uchida a chance to knock in up to three runs. Unfortunately for the Melonheads, Tanya popped up to third and the infield fly rule was called, and Angela Delvecchio ground out.

The Bombers entered the bottom of the inning down a run, and started out strongly. Facing a full count, Jason Kendall sent a hard line drive to left center that was dropped at the warning track, allowing him to get to second. Bret Olson then got on with a dribbler to the pitcher, and this was followed up by a 2-run double off the right field fence from Fred Benson to give the Bombers a 2-1 lead in their game and a 1-0 lead overall. Horace Young was the next Bomber up, and after fouling off a pitch he hit a grounder to shortstop that Vicki Kawaguchi had trouble picking up, allowing him to make it to first. This brought Nancy Chin to the plate, and after she produced the first out of the inning on a fielder’s choice, Esther French grounded out to the catcher for another fielder’s choice. The Bombers now had runners on first and second with two outs, and one last shot to extend the inning in the form of Dmitri Petrovich. With everybody playing back, he managed to hit an infield single to load the bases, and Sonja Hagen advanced everybody a base when Angela Delvecchio made a throwing error on another grounder to put the Bombers up by two. Jillian Paine now had a chance to bust the game wide open, and almost delivered with a hit into the outfield down the right field line, but the Melonheads right fielder scooped up the ball quickly and tossed it to first before Jillian could get there, ending the inning.

Now down two runs, the Melonheads started the second inning with Vicki Kawaguchi at the plate. After she grounded out to the shortstop, Tony Delvecchio came up to bat and popped out to center field. Facing a 1-2-3 inning, Stephanie Morgan came to the plate and managed to get a hit, lacing a line drive single between the second baseman and shortstop. Fernando Diaz lined out to left field, however, and that brought the Bombers up to bat.

Jason Kendall was once again the first one up, and he liked the first pitch he saw as he laced it down the left field line and over the fence for a home run to put the Bombers up by three. Bret Olson was the next one up, but grounded out to the catcher; after him, though, Fred Benson got on base a second time with a single to shallow center. Horace Young then hit a ball that bounced off the top of the fence in right field for a home run, and just like that the Bombers were up by a prorated 6-0 score. Nancy Chin continued the rally with a double to center field, and an infield single from Esther French put two runners on base with Dmitri Petrovich coming to the plate. Once again, he hit a grounder, but unfortunately for him the Melonheads weren’t playing back this time, and it turned into a rapid double play.

Stuart Sullivan started things out for the Melonheads in the third, and placed a grounder perfectly down the first base line for an infield single, arriving at the base almost before the catcher arrived at the ball. He then stole second, and after Alexis Weis flew out to left field, Luanne Lui advanced him to third on a grounder to first base. With two outs and a runner on third, Tanya Uchida hit a ball into shallow right field where the second baseman and right fielder both went for it and collided, allowing her to reach first and Stuart to score the first run of the day for the Melonheads. That was all they’d do, however, as Angela Delvecchio popped up to end the inning.

Now with a commanding 6-1 lead, the Bombers were looking to take complete control of the game in the bottom of the third. Things started out auspiciously for them in this regard, as Sonja Hagen got to first on an infield single and advanced to second on a hit through the gap into right field from Jillian Paine. Jason Kendall then came up to bat and hit a hard line drive into left center for a triple that came very close to being an inside-the-ballpark home run, putting the Bombers up 8-1 with no outs and a runner on third. Although Bret Olson would ground out for the first out, Fred Benson would hit a grounder that caught the Melonheads playing back and end up taking second while scoring Jason Kendall. Horace Young would then hit a fly ball to the second baseman that was dropped, putting runners on the corners for Nancy Chin; he would then steal second, putting two runners in scoring position. The rally would stall out there, however, as Nancy Chin grounded to first and Esther French popped up, ending the inning with the Bombers up 9-1.

Now halfway through the game, it was looking like the Melonheads would need a miracle to get back in it. That miracle started on the AI end of things, however, as the AI Melonheads put runners on the corners for Vicki Kawaguchi, who used a Crazy Bunt to knock in a run and cut the deficit to 7. Meanwhile, the player-controlled Melonheads started doing some work of their own, with Vicki Kawaguchi drawing a walk and then being advanced to third on a Tony Delvecchio single into the right-side power alley. They then scored a run when Stephanie Morgan hit a ball to the right side of the infield that got Tony out at second but allowed Vicki to score and left Stephanie on first. Fernando Diaz then hit a single to left field, and although Stephanie was out at second on Stuart Sullivan’s fielders’ choice grounder, this meant that there were two runners on base for Alexis Weis, who exhibited patience at the plate until she saw a pitch she liked that she hit into right field for a run-scoring single that put runners on the corners for Luanne Lui. After Alexis stole second, Luanne made it to first on an infield single, and Tanya Uchida came up with the bases loaded. Unfortunately for the Melonheads, Tanya popped up, and the inning ended with the Bombers up 8-3.

Having an ultimately neutral inning isn’t a bad thing when your team is up by five, and so the Bombers entered the bottom of the fourth in good spirits. Dmitri Petrovich got on base with a sharp single to left field, and although Sonja Hagen popped up, he stole second and got to third when Jillian Paine hit a single to left field. Jason Kendall then came up to the plate with runners at the corners and hit into a fielder’s choice, but Dmitri scored on the play and gave the Bombers a prorated 10-3 lead. The inning ended there, however, as although he stole second Bret Olson hit a grounder to Tony Delvecchio and Tony stepped on the bag an instant before Bret could get there for the third out.

Now down seven with six outs left, the Melonheads started things off with Angela Delvecchio, who grounded out despite a fielding error at first. Vicki Kawaguchi got on with an infield single, however, and advanced to second on a Tony Delvecchio single to centerfield. Stephanie Morgan struck out for the second out, however, and this brought up Fernando Diaz, who drew a four-ball walk to load the bases. Stuart Sullivan then came to the plate, and although he hit a grounder towards third base, a throwing error led to everyone being safe and a run scoring. Alexis Weis then hit a double to centerfield that cleared the bases, but got greedy and tried for third, where she was thrown out. Nevertheless, this meant that the Melonheads had cut the Bombers lead to three runs, and a Bombers win suddenly seemed not quite as much of a guarantee as it did just half an inning prior.

The Bombers still had a chance to shore up their lead, though, and they started off the bottom of the fifth with a Fred Benson blast out of left field to put them up 11-7. Horace Young then hit a single to left field and stole second, but the Bombers’ offense stalled out there, as Nancy Chin grounded out to first base for the first out, Esther French grounded out to the pitcher for the second out, and Sonja Hagen grounded out to the catcher after Dmitri Petrovich walked for the third out.

To win, the Melonheads now had to outscore the Bombers by five runs since the home team takes all ties. They started things out with Luanne Lui, who hit a grounder that turned into a double when the ball was thrown out of play on the relay to first. This brought up Tanya Uchida, and an infield single advanced Luanne to third. Angela Delvecchio came to the plate with runners at the corners, but fouled out to third base, sending Vicki to the plate with one out. After Tanya stole second, Vicki ended up drawing a walk to load the bases, and it was at that point that the Melonheads AI came through again, as Tony Delvecchio hit a ball that barely cleared the left field fence to close the score to 10-7.

This meant that the Melonheads had the bases loaded and needed to score four runs to win if their AI couldn’t do any more heavy lifting. And coming to the plate was Tony Delvecchio, who had just closed the gap some on the AI side. He ended up drawing four straight balls for a walk, and headed to first as the winning run. This brought Stephanie Morgan to the plate, and she hit a double to center to tie the game at 10 apiece. The winning run was now at third, and the game hung in the balance; if the Melonheads could bring Tony home, they’d win (assuming they didn’t give up any runs), but if they failed to do so, they’d lose. They had two outs to move Tony, and at the plate was Fernando Diaz.

Fernando proceeded to hit a grounder to the shortstop, but as Eauxps had already sent Tony towards him, the throw was there, and Tony ended up being caught in a pickle before eventually getting tagged out. This meant that the winning run moved back to second, and the Melonheads were down to their final out with the low-power Stuart Sullivan at the plate. To make matters worse, the Bombers ended the Melonheads AI by getting Vicki Kawaguchi out for the final out of the sixth inning, which meant that the Melonheads only hope was to get Stuart to advance everyone. This didn’t happen, as he hit a grounder to the pitcher, who threw it to third to end the game and preserve the Bombers win.

Baltimore Bombers 10.2, Super-Duper Melonheads 10

Next week’s game: Junior Brewers vs. Montana Floss

You know those tense playoff races? This is one of ’em, as the Junior Brewers and Montana Floss face off in the last Matchup Of The Week of the regular season. At stake? Elimination, as the loser is voted off the island, pushed off the cliff, and no longer in the race. The winner has at least a chance of forcing a tiebreaker (or even perhaps sneaking in outright)–so long as the Green Monsters don’t win and make it all moot, of course. Two teams with strong defenses and a bunch of close losses take each other on in what promises to be an exciting matchup, on Saturday, September 25th, only on Sisu’s twitch!

Player of the game: Jason Kendall was fighting hard for Baltimore, as he went 4-for-4 en route to hitting for the cycle. He finished with 4 RBIs and scored thrice. Also, he did a really good job in left field, as much as you might not believe it.

FRONTYARD CONFERENCE

Junior Athletics 12, Florida Marlins 7

The Junior Athletics continued to hold to their trend of only ever losing to two teams, sweeping the Florida Marlins as they continued their playoff push. The Athletics had a solid game at home, offensively pushing 10 runs across the plate with 17 hits and 3 walks while defensively seeing Todd Xavier pitch a 1-hit shutout; this was enough to get them past the Marlins, who also had a decent enough outing where they scored 8 runs on 13 hits and allowed a run across the plate. The Athletics are now still behind the Dodgers for the first seed on tiebreakers but stay a game ahead of the Minnesota Twins with a game to go.

Player of the game: Sally Dobbs had a good day for the Athletics, going 3-for-4 with a home run and 4 RBIs. She was outshone by Todd Xavier, however; while at the plate Todd went 2-for-3 (both singles) and scored twice (no RBIs), on the mound he remained a fearsome opponent, facing down the minimum number of batters and allowing only a single hit (that later led to a double play) while throwing 4 strikeouts–on only 38 pitches, no less. He’s completely dialed in and ready for the postseason.

Los Angeles Dodgers 22, Humongous Hornets 11

Once again, the Dodgers went on an offensive romp and continued to look invincible at home. Although the Hornets had one of their best offensive showings this season, putting up 15 runs on 22 hits, defensively they faltered, as they allowed 4 runs to score (including one with Annie Frazier on the mound; Annie had a 0.00 ERA prior to this game). Not that it mattered; the Dodgers scored 19 runs on 27 hits and would’ve won without the home proration or the runs the Hornets allowed. The Dodgers continue to sit in the first seed from the Frontyard Conference but haven’t clinched anything yet, as the Twins sit only a game back and the Athletics are only behind them on tiebreakers.

Player of the game: Who else could it be but the Frontyard Conference’s BATTER OF THE WEEK? Leah Wayne once again led the way for Los Angeles, going 5-for-5 with a single, a pair of doubles, and a couple home runs. She finished with 3 RBIs and scored every time she came up to the plate. Plus, she ended up closing out the game for the Dodgers. There’s no word yet on whether her uncle Bruce (the former minor league ballplayer, not the fictional billionaire superhero playboy philanthropist industrialist inheritor who adopts orphaned boys and puts them in life-threatening situations and whose parents are dead) has been helping out at practice, but signs point to yes.

Minnesota Twins 10, Tampa Bay Devil Rays 4

By the time this game started, Tampa Bay was already eliminated from postseason contention since the Los Angeles Dodgers had already beaten the Humongous Hornets. They played like it, too, as the Devil Rays put up a 5-2 home win. This wasn’t enough to even challenge Minnesota, as the Twins swatted 18 hits in an 11-1 road win that easily got them past Tampa Bay. While the Minnesota Twins sit a game out of the playoffs with a game left to play, they’re not done yet, and if either the Dodgers or Athletics stumble they can very easily force a tiebreaker game and work their way into the playoffs as the #2 seed.

Player of the game: Fabienne Callahan had a good day in a whole-team effort for the Twins, going 3-for-4 (all singles) and racking up 3 RBIs while scoring once herself. Plus, she has a great first name. Say it. It sounds…fabulous.

New York Yankees 5, Little Giants 3

The Giants best hope this season has been that they’ll be able to score runs and their opponents will not. (Yes, I know, that’s every team’s hope, but–look, with the Giants it’s exaggerated to a ludicrous extent, to the point where the Giants almost need their opponents to lose to the AI.) It hasn’t usually worked out for them, but they came reasonably close this week, as they put together their strongest offensive performance since the first half of the season with a 14-hit, 4 run day (although they did end up striking out 9 times and gave up a run). On the other side of the game, the Giants AI did a good job holding the Yankees offense down, keeping them to 12 hits and 5 runs, but unfortunately for the Giants this wasn’t quite enough, and the Yankees took a close win.

Player of the game: Tom Glass was one of the more potent offensive threats the Yankees had in this one, going 2-for-3 with a single and a home run (he was one of only two players to hit it out, the other being Vladimir Guerrero, who went 1-for-4). Although that solo shot was the only time he scored on the day, he definitely helped keep the Yankees offense afloat. It wasn’t just the batting, though; he also put on an amazing show as a pitcher, being named the Frontyard Conference’s PITCHER OF THE WEEK by throwing a 1-hit shutout complete with 10 strikeouts and bolstering his dark horse status as a possible Ace Wilson winner.

INDOOR CONFERENCE

Arizona Diamondbacks 28, Texas Rangers 2

There were two teams that put up 28 runs in the Indoor Conference this week. The first of these was the Diamondbacks, who saw their chance to clinch the #1 seed from the Indoor Conference and took it as they scored 24 runs on 27 hits and two walks. By contrast, the Texas Rangers just waved the white flag, scoring 5 runs off of 12 hits and two walks and allowing three runs to score. Remember the Alamo? Well, the Rangers did, and they decided that instead of dying in honorable battle and being remembered they’d just slink away in a disorganized retreat. The Diamondbacks have clinched the #1 seed from the Indoor Conference, and Texas is #2 and looking more and more like they’ve completely lost their mojo as the season draws to a close.

Player of the game: Give it up for…you know what? I’ve had enough of Jay Green. Yes, he was the BATTER OF THE WEEK from the Indoor Conference. Yes, he’s probably gonna be the MVP (unless all the voters decide they’re sick of hearing about Jay Green and vote for Butch Sherrod out of spite). Yes, he’s having the greatest season any player has ever had, leading the league in batting average, home runs, RBIs, slugging percentage, and runs created. But you know what? I’m sick of hearing about him. Sick of it! He’s had enough praise to last him Methuselah’s lifetime. He’s officially cut off from player of the game awards for…well, I guess only the last two games of this season. Whatever. Point is, I’m giving this one to Randy Johnson, and you can’t stop me. The ace pitcher was not only good on the mound, tossing 4 strikeouts and allowing 3 hits in a shutout performance, but also at the plate, where he went 5-for-5 with four singles and a shocking triple, finishing with two RBIs and scoring all five times he came up to bat. More importantly for the purposes of this award, he’s not Jay Green.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angles Association 28, Milwaukee Braves -1

This one was another blowout where the winning team scored 28 runs, as Jomar once again showed why he’s considered one of the top talents in the league whenever he can be bothered to play. The Pink Angles Association put up 29 runs on Milwaukee, smacking 35 hits and gathering 2 walks, with the only blemish being the one run Mr. Clanky gave up. Meanwhile, the Braves suffered their second AI loss to the season and also their second to Los Angeles, as while they scored three runs on ten hits (with all scores coming off of a pair of home runs), Shohei Ohtani melted down on the mound, allowing 4 runs to score off of 9 hits and only tossing a single strikeout. The end result was that the Angels absolutely massacred the Braves in the biggest blowout of the week.

Player of the game: Maria Luna went 5-for-6 for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angles Association, with two singles, a double, and a pair of home runs. She had 7 RBIs and scored 5 times. She would also like you to know that Pinkie Pie is not best pony, even if she is pink; that honor goes to Rarity.

Boston Reds 15, Seattle Fishes 8

For once, the Reds offense showed up, and they had the best game they’ve had all season, putting together a 15-3 home outing at the Paveway. With home runs all but taken off the table, the Fishes were handcuffed, and even with Indoor Conference PITCHER OF THE WEEK Kristen Sullivan leading the way by throwing 10 strikeouts in a 2-hit shutout performance, they were unable to catch up to the Reds, as they were only able to manage 8 runs off of 18 hits and ended up losing to drop below .500 again. The most notable outcome of this game? The Super-Duper Melonheads are now guaranteed to have the worst record in the Indoor Conference.

Player of the game: Derek Jeter was constantly in the right place at the right time for the Boston Reds, as he went 3-for-4 with a single, a double, and a home run. That’s not the part that was fantastic, though; while he did score every time he got on base, he also finished with 9 RBIs. Without him, the Reds probably lose, but with him, they were unstoppable. The only question is what would’ve happened if they’d been able to get him started earlier in the season.

BACKYARD CONFERENCE

Boston Cubs 14, Junior Brewers 12

This was a matchup between a team fighting for playoff position and another just trying to stay in the race. Although the Cubs sat a game behind the Purple Sox entering the game, they held the tiebreaker for position over them, and would take the lead if they could manage to tie the Purple Sox’s record (so basically, they needed the Purple Sox to falter). The Brewers, meanwhile, were in a dead heat for the final seat and tied with three other teams. As has been usual for the Cubs this season, the game was decided by Boston’s defense, which once again stepped up, holding the Brewers to 13 runs and 24 hits at home. This wouldn’t have been enough for the Cubs, as they only put up 15 runs on 28 hits, but defense made all the difference. While the Cubs allowed a run on five hits, the Brewers allowed three runs on six hits and ended up falling to the Cubs. The Junior Brewers are now tied with Montana Floss and Red Phillies at a game behind the Green Monsters (and a game out of the wild card spot), with a chance to force a tiebreaker if the Monsters lose and they can beat the Floss next week, while the Cubs remain a game behind the Purple Sox with a chance to steal the #1 seed in the Backyard Conference if next week they win and the Purple Sox lose.

Player of the game: Susan Gore bathed in the blood of her enemies, going 5-for-5 with four singles and a triple as she led the team by scoring 5 times and tied for the team lead in RBIs with Zoe Mallory with 4. [Editor’s note: Susan Gore did not literally bathe in blood. Elizabeth Báthory probably didn’t either, but I wouldn’t put it past her.] She also leads the team in runs scored, and leads the Backyard Conference in bases stolen, and thinks that A Hat in Time is a rather enjoyable game.

Purple Sox 21.6, Montana Floss 21

It was a close game this week at Steele Stadium, as the Purple Sox continued to battle for the #1 seed and the Montana Floss continued to fight for their playoff lives. For the Purple Sox, it was business as usual as they put up 18 runs on 24 hits and a pair of walks and shut out their opposition. The same could not be said for the Floss, who not only had another perfect game defensively but also had one of their best offensive games, largely helped by the fact that as a team they hit 7 home runs, more than they had gotten all season as a team. These seven homers helped them on their way to scoring 21 runs on 19 hits and 6 walks, but winning 21-0 wouldn’t be enough to get them over the edge, as the proration bonus for the Purple Sox put them just barely ahead and allowed them to squeak out a win. With the Wombats loss, the Purple Sox are now in sole possession of first place in the Backyard Conference, while the Montana Floss now find themselves a game behind the Green Monsters for the final seed and tied in that position with the Red Phillies and Junior Brewers (whom they play next week).

Player of the game: The Floss swept the awards this week. The Backyard Conference BATTER OF THE WEEK was none other than Jody Palmer, who went 5-for-5 for 5 home runs and 13 RBIs. The Backyard Conference PITCHER OF THE WEEK is Brad Radke, who pitched a perfect game complete with 10 strikeouts and tied the record for most strikeouts in a season with a game to go. And the player of the game is…none other than Purple Sox batter Nicky Winston, who in a marvelous effort for the winning side went 4-for-4 with 4 home runs and 11 RBIs and might have surpassed Jody if he came up a fifth time.

Red Phillies 25, Baltimore Orioles 22

The Phillies needed to win their final two games to have the barest chance of making the postseason, and they started out right with a close win over the Orioles. Baltimore produced its’ strongest game of the season, as they recorded 31 hits and 3 walks in a 22-0 road rout of the Red Phillies. Unfortunately for them, this wasn’t enough to keep up with the Phillies, who took advantage of their batter-friendly home field and home-friendly coach to smack 9 homers and score 22 runs off of 26 hits while allowing a run of their own. Home proration got the Phillies past the Orioles, and they now sit tied with the Montana Floss and Junior Brewers at a game back of the Green Monsters and needing a win just to hopefully force a tiebreaker.

Player of the game: Give Cheryl Reynolds credit: even if her home field is very unfriendly towards homers, she’s still got the goods on the road. She went 6-for-6 in Baltimore’s ultimately failed effort to win, hitting a single, a double, and a shockingly high four home runs. From these hits, she scored 5 times and smashed an astonishing 13 RBIs (tied for the conference lead). The only blemish on her game was an error, but let’s be honest: she did everything she could do, and her efforts (along with those of her team) came very close to forcing the Phillies out of the playoff race.

Green Monsters 17, Wizard Wombats 16

This was an enormous upset with massive ramifications for the playoff race. Prior to the game, the Wombats were the presumptive #2 seed with the possibility of snatching the #1 seed if the Purple Sox faltered, while the Green Monsters were looking like they’d fade. Afterwards, things are completely different. The Wombats had another weak game by their standards, scoring 21 runs at the offense-friendly Tin Can Alley off of 28 hits and a walks but allowing 5 runs and 14 hits [Editor’s note: as someone whose defense also struggled at TCA, I feel your pain, Wizard.]. As for the Monsters, they took care of business with only their second strong performance at home, scoring 16 runs on 20 hits and 2 walks and allowing only two runs on ten hits as they snatched the win. This puts the Monsters in the drivers’ seat for the final Backyard Conference playoff spot, as they’re guaranteed to at least get a tiebreaker game if they lose (unless the Floss are the only ones they’re tied with) and take the spot outright if they win. Meanwhile, the Wombats have to be worried, as not only have they scuppered their chances at the #1 Backyard Conference seed but they’ve also put up four straight games where they’ve scored less than 20 runs (they only had one outing where they scored less than 20 in their first nine games: a 14-run game against the treacherous Cubs defense in Week 6). Still, this might end up for the best for the Wombats, as if they end up as the #3 seed from the Backyard Conference they’ll face the similarly fading Texas Rangers.

Player of the game: The Monsters spent most of the day hitting doubles, but someone who didn’t hit a double was Sophie Meyer (no relation to the Jaguars coach). Instead, she went 2-for-3 with a triple, a home run, and a walk. She may have only scored once, but she finished with 5 RBIs, and was an integral part of the Monsters’ effort to get past the Wombats.

PLAYOFF SCENARIOS

FRONTYARD CONFERENCE

It’s a three team race for two seeds in the Frontyard Conference. The Los Angeles Dodgers and Junior Athletics are both tied at 10-3 and are a game up on the Minnesota Twins, but since they’ve each split their series with Minnesota, any tie between them will lead to a tiebreaker game. Let’s see how they can get in.

Minnesota Twins

Minnesota’s win this week kept them in the playoff race; if they had lost to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, we’d be looking at a two-team race for the top two spots (far less interesting). So what do they have to do to get in? Well, the first thing they have to do is beat the Little Giants. Then, they have to see either the Athletics or Dodgers lose; whichever one loses is the one they’ll face in a tiebreaker game (if both the Junior Athletics and Los Angeles Dodgers lose, the Dodgers would take the #1 seed on tiebreakers and the Twins would play the Athletics for the #2 seed). If the Dodgers and Athletics both win, however, the Twins are out of the race for good, and if the Twins lose, they’re out of the race.

Junior Athletics

The Junior Athletics don’t have to beat the Humongous Hornets to make it in, but if they do they clinch a playoff spot. Which one it is depends on if the Los Angeles Dodgers win; if the Dodgers win, the Athletics are the #2 seed, but if the Dodgers lose the Athletics are the #1 seed. However, the Athletics can still make it in even if they lose; if they lose, they’re definitely the #2 seed at best, but if the Minnesota Twins lose as well they get that seed without any problems. If Minnesota wins and the Athletics lose, the #2 seed would go to a tiebreaker game, and the Athletics would have to win that one to make it into the playoffs.

Los Angeles Dodgers

Say what you will about Los Angeles, but they could still miss the playoffs. How does that happen? Well, the following things have to occur: they lose to the New York Yankees, the Junior Athletics beat the Humongous Hornets, the Minnesota Twins beat the Little Giants, and the Los Angeles Dodgers lose to the Minnesota Twins in the tiebreaker game. If any of these four outcomes don’t occur, the Los Angeles Dodgers make the playoffs, and if those failed outcomes are either the Dodgers beating the Yankees or the Hornets beating the Athletics, the Dodgers will be the #1 seed.

INDOOR CONFERENCE

The Arizona Diamondbacks and Texas Rangers have both clinched playoff spots. The Arizona Diamondbacks have clinched the #1 seed from the Indoor Conference, and the Texas Rangers have clinched the #2 seed. There’s no drama here. It’s set.

BACKYARD CONFERENCE

There’s four teams in a dogfight for the final Backyard Conference playoff spot. One of them has to make it in; the only question is which one.

Red Phillies

To get in, the Red Phillies were going to need to go on a run and have several things break their way. A lot of those things did happen last week, and now although the Red Phillies are back a game in the playoff race (true of several teams), they’ve still got a decent chance to fight their way into the playoffs. They need two things to happen: they need to beat the Wizard Wombats, and they need the Green Monsters to lose. If those two things fall, they’ll face a tiebreaker game against the winner of the Junior Brewers/Montana Floss matchup, and if they can win there, they’ll need to beat the Green Monsters in another tiebreaker game for the final seed. If they fail to get any of those four things to happen, the Red Phillies will miss the playoffs.

Montana Floss

The Montana Floss have two things they need to see happen: they need to beat the Junior Brewers, and they need the Green Monsters to lose. If those two things happen, what happens next depends on what the Red Phillies do; if the Red Phillies beat the Wizard Wombats, the Montana Floss will then have to win a tiebreaker game against them and then win another tiebreaker game against the Green Monsters in order to make the playoffs. However, if the Wizard Wombats beat the Red Phillies and the Montana Floss beat the Junior Brewers and the Boston Cubs beat the Green Monsters, the Montana Floss will swooce right in to the final playoff spot on tiebreakers.

Junior Brewers

As with all the other teams in this situation, the Junior Brewers need to win their final game and the Green Monsters to lose their final game. If this happens, they’re guaranteed to play in a tiebreaker game; if the Red Phillies beat the Wizard Wombats, it would be two games, the first one against the Red Phillies and the second one against the Green Monsters if they beat the Phillies, while if the Red Phillies lose to the Wizard Wombats, it would be a one-game match against the Green Monsters to see who takes the final seed.

Green Monsters

Last week I said that the Green Monsters were in simultaneously the best and the worst position. After beating the Wizard Wombats, they’re now in unquestionably the best position. If they beat the Boston Cubs, they make the playoffs outright on record. If they lose to the Cubs, they’ll still force a tiebreaker game if they’re tied with the Red Phillies, Junior Brewers, or two other 6-8 teams. The only way they don’t force a tiebreaker game is if the Montana Floss win, the Red Phillies lose, and they themselves lose to the Boston Cubs.

STANDINGS

Backyard Conference
Purple Sox [aesnop] (10-3)
Wizard Wombats [Wizard] (9-4)
Boston Cubs [KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS] (9-4)
Green Monsters [Yurya] (6-7)
Junior Brewers [jibbodahibbo] (5-8)
Montana Floss [JorgesBankAccount] (5-8)
Red Phillies [crazyei8hts] (5-8)
Baltimore Orioles [Mavfatha] (3-10)

Indoor Conference
Arizona Diamondbacks [Sisu] (12-1)
Texas Rangers [Jyknight] (10-3)
Baltimore Bombers [jlund/Repub] (8-5)
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angles Association [JOMAR] (8-5)
Seattle Fishes [elchrisblanco] (6-7)
Milwaukee Braves [Natetastic] (4-9)
Boston Reds [shrewsbury] (3-10)
Super-Duper Melonheads [Eauxps I. Fourgott] (1-12)

Frontyard Conference
Los Angeles Dodgers [hitace] (10-3)
Junior Athletics [MelloMathTeacher] (10-3)
Minnesota Twins [Toast] (9-4)
Tampa Bay Devil Rays [T-Boz] (7-6)
New York Yankees [Marco] (6-7)
Florida Marlins [skolgamingnetwork] (5-8)
Humongous Hornets [Vissery] (4-9)
Little Giants [SilverBullet102] (1-12)

PLAYOFF PICTURE

BACKYARD
#1 Purple Sox [aesnop] (10-3)[x]
#2 Boston Cubs [KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS] (9-4)[x]
#3 Wizard Wombats [Wizard] (9-4)[x]
#4 Green Monsters [Yurya] (6-7)

IN THE HUNT
#5 Junior Brewers [jibbodahibbo] (5-8)
#6 Red Phillies [crazyei8hts] (5-8)
#7 Montana Floss [JorgesBankAccount] (5-8)

INDOOR
#1 Arizona Diamondbacks [Sisu] (12-1)[y]
#2 Texas Rangers [Jyknight] (10-3)[x]

FRONTYARD
#1 Los Angeles Dodgers [hitace] (9-3)
#2 Junior Athletics [MelloMathTeacher] (9-3)

IN THE HUNT
#3 Minnesota Twins [Toast] (8-4)

[x] = clinched playoff berth
[y] = clinched #1 seed in conference

CURRENTLY ELIMINATED*
Tampa Bay Devil Rays [T-Boz] (Frontyard Conference)
New York Yankees [Marco] (Frontyard Conference)
Florida Marlins [skolgamingnetwork] (Frontyard Conference)
Little Giants [SilverBullet102] (Frontyard Conference)
Humongous Hornets [Vissery] (Frontyard Conference)
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angles Association [JOMAR] (Indoor Conference)
Baltimore Bombers [jlund/Repub] (Indoor Conference)
Seattle Fishes [elchrisblanco] (Indoor Conference)
Milwaukee Braves [Natetastic] (Indoor Conference)
Super-Duper Melonheads [Eauxps I. Fourgott] (Indoor Conference)
Boston Reds [shrewsbury] (Indoor Conference)
Baltimore Orioles [Mavfatha] (Backyard Conference)
*elimination calculations by Sports Club Stats

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

“[Censored] Brad Radke.” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, on awards season

“We’re in the thick of the playoff race. We’ve gotta amp up our game to maximum overdrive and show everyone just how awesome we really are! And that starts with me teaching everyone how to put on game faces. Make them fear us! Unfortunately, it’s not going very well. Sally told me off for not encouraging welcoming, mature behavior in front of the opposition. I tried asking for Nan’s game face, but she just gave me a slight smile. Tried Courtney; she gave a bright and cute smile and said that friendship’s much better than fear. Tried Ray, and he just danced. Tried Todd; he gave a blank stare. Thinking I should try something else at this point.” – Dawn Cozart, Junior Athletics, on the playoff race

“Imagine JBA [Montana Floss head coach] with like 1 more power hitter.” – Vissery, Humongous Hornets head coach, on the Montana Floss’s need for bats

“I like hitting homers!” – Jody Palmer, Montana Floss, on her massive five home run day

“Nan may not be a heavy hitter on offense, but she’s been doing a fantastic job on defense for us lately. I’d say she’s our unsung hero and a dark horse candidate for the Goldie Glove. Just this game she did such a great job preventing a steal that I gave her a pat on the back! I think I may have patted her a bit too hard; sorry, Nan. She’s rather quiet and doesn’t exude much confidence in herself, but we try all we can to build it for her.” – Sally Dobbs, Junior Athletics, on Nan Porter and awards season

“Things that should be banned: grounders, Brad Radke.” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, on what he disliked this season

“How did I end up joining a league with teams with this much internal structure, power, and motivation to overthrow league decisions? I’m just an adult trying to teach kids how to play baseball and help them grow into happier, better citizens.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on coaching and awards season

“[Censored] happier, better citizens! The Yankees have an Ace Wilson to win! Awards over everything! It’s the New York way!” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, on growing up in New York City

“This has been an absolutely wild ride of a season and I’m enjoying every second of it! I think Mello’s getting quite stressed about it, but I do all I can to calm him down and remind him of what’s important. He’s done a phenomenal job helping the kids win games, but I’m even more proud of the way he’s grown as a coach and mentor. He’s been on fewer tirades over bad ump calls, he’s started to figure out ways to make the kids happier, and he definitely puts their well-being first. I feel like I’m needed less and less. I’m mostly the provider of postgame ice cream at this point, heh. No matter what, I think he’ll look back on this with fond memories of what’s great about childhood. And thank you, media, for giving us and the kids a voice here during this season. I know they have a lot of fun with it. Todd’s trained platitudes crack me up.” – FelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics assistant coach, on his experiences coaching

“Has anyone ever unironically thought about what human meat tastes like?” – Vissery, Humongous Hornets head not-coach, on cannibalism

“Yeah, all the time.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on being an incredibly creepy weirdo

“Don’t take this out of context, but I think eating babies would be a far more efficient means of resource conservation.” – Zach Weinersmith, Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, on being taken out of context

“Reminder to you all following at home: [censored] Brad Radke!” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, on Brad Radke’s perfect game

It’s the final week of the season, and there’s only a few games left that will impact who makes it in. Here’s a rundown on all of the possible outcomes.

FRONTYARD CONFERENCE

If the Dodgers and Athletics win:
The Dodgers would clinch the #1 seed. The Athletics would clinch the #2 seed.

If the Dodgers win, Twins win, and Athletics lose:
The Minnesota Twins and Junior Athletics would be tied on record, and since they split their series with each other, they’d play a tiebreaker game. This game is at the neutral site of Parks Department Field #2, and both teams would be at home for this game. The winner would advance to the playoffs…although if it’s a tie it goes to a bunch of in-game tiebreakers.

If the Athletics win, Twins win, and Dodgers lose:
Same as above, except this time with the Los Angeles Dodgers and Minnesota Twins.

If the Athletics win, Dodgers lose, and Twins lose:
The Junior Athletics claim the #1 seed and the Los Angeles Dodgers claim the #2 seed.

If the Dodgers win, Athletics lose, and Twins lose:
The Los Angeles Dodgers claim the #1 seed and the Junior Athletics claim the #2 seed.

If the Twins win, Dodgers lose, and Athletics lose:
It would be a three-way tie for the two playoff spots. As the Dodgers have the best combined head-to-head record, they would claim the #1 seed, and a tiebreaker game at Parks Department Field #2 would take place between the Junior Athletics and Minnesota Twins (both at home) for the final playoff spot; if that resulted in a tie, things get weird (no, actually, there’s a bunch of in-game tiebreakers, but let me have my fun).

If the Twins lose, Dodgers lose, and Athletics lose:
The Los Angeles Dodgers claim the #1 seed and the Junior Athletics claim the #2 seed.

INDOOR CONFERENCE

This one’s set in stone. The Arizona Diamondbacks have the #1 seed, and the Texas Rangers have the #2 seed. Nothing will change that, and none of the games in the Indoor Conference have any impact on anything (other than, perhaps, how strong these teams appear; the Rangers have been looking like a paper tiger the last few games).

BACKYARD CONFERENCE (final seed)

If the Monsters win:
If the Green Monsters win against the Boston Cubs this week, they snag the final playoff spot by virtue of record.

If the Phillies win, Floss win, and Monsters lose:
These three teams would proceed to a tiebreaker where they are seeded #1, #2, and #3 based on head-to-head and second-half record. At that point, the #2 and #3 teams, the Red Phillies and Montana Floss in this case, would play each other at the neutral site of Parks Department Field #2, both as home teams, with the winner going on to play the Green Monsters. If either game results in a tie, all hell will break loose. (Actually, there are tiebreakers for that, too, but it’s more fun to phrase it that way.)

If the Phillies win, Brewers win, and Monsters lose:
As in the above scenario, these three teams would move to a tiebreaker game. The difference is that the Red Phillies and Junior Brewers would play each other to decide who gets to play the Green Monsters to make it into the playoffs.

If the Brewers win, Phillies lose, and Monsters lose:
The Junior Brewers and Green Monsters would be tied on record, and since they split their series with each other, they’d play a tiebreaker game. This game would be situated at the neutral site of Parks Department Field #2, and both teams would be at home for this game. The winner would advance to the playoffs (again, if tied, there’s a bunch of weird tiebreakers).

If the Floss win, Phillies lose, and Monsters lose:
The Montana Floss and Green Monsters would be tied on record, but since the Floss swept the season series, they would advance to the playoffs.

BACKYARD CONFERENCE (top seeds)

If the Purple Sox and Cubs win:
Let’s get this out of the way from the start: any Purple Sox win guarantees them the #1 seed. On top of that, the Boston Cubs have the tiebreaker over the Wombats, so any scenario where they end up tied will guarantee the Boston Cubs the #2 seed. This would put the Wizard Wombats in the #3 seed.

If the Purple Sox win and the Wombats lose:
As above, the Purple Sox would clinch the #1 seed, while the Wizard Wombats would be stuck in the #3 seed. The Boston Cubs would get the #2 seed regardless of what happens.

If the Purple Sox win, Wombats win, and Cubs lose:
This is the only scenario in which the Purple Sox get the #1 seed, the Wizard Wombats get the #2 seed, and the Boston Cubs get the #3 seed.

If the Cubs win and the Purple Sox lose:
The Boston Cubs would get the #1 seed due to holding the tiebreaker over the Purple Sox. The Purple Sox would get the #2 seed due to holding the tiebreaker over the Wizard Wombats. The Wizard Wombats would get the #3 seed.

If the Wombats win, Purple Sox lose, and Cubs lose:
The Purple Sox would get the #1 seed due to holding the tiebreaker over the Wizard Wombats. The Wizard Wombats would get the #2 seed. The Boston Cubs would get the #3 seed.

If the Wombats win, Cubs win, and Purple Sox lose:
Three-way tie, decided by insanity. All bets are off if this happens.

Week 12 saw AI losses come to the Backyard Conference, scores of 40+ come to the Frontyard Conference, and the first real change in the Indoor Conference’s playoff race since Week 3! (Yeah, two teams in the Indoor Conference definitely colluded to make it the least-interesting playoff race…oh well.) What’s this mean? It means that the league is getting tenser and tenser as playoffs approach and eliminations pile up! With two weeks to go, here’s what happened in Week 12.

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK

Montana Floss vs. Boston Cubs

At the start of the season, these teams seemed very similar. Both had drafted heavily for defense with an emphasis on effective grounders and a surplus of arms. Both had taken strong pitchers. And both teams were looking to compete for the playoffs. However, as the season wore on, it became more and more evident that while they had both tried to build strong defensive teams, only one had succeeded, with the Cubs clinching a playoff spot in Week 11 with an 8-3 record while the Floss foundered at 4-7 despite the Floss having scored far more runs overall. In other words, the Cubs built a better team. Interestingly, though, the first time these two teams met (in week 1), Montana took the win at home by a score of 12-6, and with most if not all of their playoff hopes on the line, the Floss would need to repeat that feat at Cement Gardens.

Their attempt started out well, as in the top of the first Montana came out hot, fouling off an exorbitant number of pitches as they loaded the bases with their first three batters on a bevy of infield singles. They then brought in a pair of runs when Jeff Bagwell hit a single to right field, and followed that up by loading the bases again on a Bagwell steal and Ricky Johnson single. After Brad Radke hit an infield fly for the first out of the game, Emily Lewbell came up to bat and blasted a powerful line drive single down the first base line and off the wall, bringing home two more runs and putting Ricky Johnson on third. Emily Lewbell then stole second when Cubs catcher Susan Gore chose not to attempt the throw and instead hold Ricky Johnson on third, and this was followed up by Jody Palmer grounding into right field through the gap. Although she was thrown out at first, this did bring Ricky home and sent Linda Potter up to bat with two outs and a runner on second. She got on base with a perfectly placed grounder down the third-base line, bringing up Kathy Wolf for the second time that inning. Kathy walked, but the rally ended there, as Tina Herrara grounded out to the catcher.

Starting in a 5-0 hole was not what the Cubs wanted to do, but they were ready to fight back, starting off with a Susan Gore single into shallow right field on the very first pitch. Susan stole second immediately afterwards, but didn’t advance any further on that at-bat as Lisa Crockett struck out. She didn’t have any more luck with Carlos Ocampo, as he popped out to the pitcher, but Alex Rodriguez provided the two-out spark Boston needed, hitting a single down the right field line that brought Susan Gore home from second when Floss right fielder Kathy Wolf flubbed the throw. Alex Rodriguez then proceeded to steal second, but Jorge Garcia ended the inning there as he lined out to left field.

Now up 5-1, the Floss were looking to capitalize on their strong first inning, but the Cubs’ strong defense clamped down on them, getting Vic Soufle to ground out to the pitcher for the first out. Although Jeff Bagwell hit an infield single to third, Ricky Johnson grounded to the pitcher for the second out on a fielder’s choice, and Brad Radke grounded to the second baseman to end the inning. The Cubs were held silent in the bottom of the inning, though, as Zoe Mallory grounded out to third base to start the inning, Jessica Wassersas lined out to the shortstop, and Kenny Kawaguchi grounded out to the pitcher. The Floss came up to bat again then, but failed to do much in the top of the third either, as they failed to score any runs despite managing to get Jody Palmer and Kathy Wolf on base.

The bottom of the third is where the game changed, as Paco Kaufman got to first on a Jeff Bagwell error. Susan Gore was the next one up to bat, and after Paco stole second she drew a walk. Lisa Crocket then hit a ball over the shortstop’s head into left center, and 2 runs were scored on the double. The Cubs weren’t done yet, though, as although Carlos Ocampo lined out to second for the first out of the inning Alex Rodriguez got on first with a single that got through the left-side gap into left field and then Jorge Garcia blasted a pitch down the Cement Gardens alleyway for a home run that put the Cubs up a prorated 7-5. This necessitated a pitching swap for the Floss, and Linda Potter was put in to face Zoe Mallory. Zoe proceeded to hit one down the alley as well, but center fielder Jody Palmer raced after the ball, caught up to it, and threw it in, holding Zoe to a triple. That ended up being very important, as Jessica Wassersas then popped up to the shortstop and Kenny Kawaguchi grounded out, limiting the damage.

This seemed to wake up the Floss’s offense, as although Vic Soufle grounded out to start the inning they then proceeded to get Jeff Bagwell on first with a walk, advance him to second on an infield single, and load the bases with a Brad Radke walk. That brought Emily Lewbell up to bat, and she hit the ball to an empty left field for a double. Exacerbating things was the fact that in trying to receive the throw from the outfield catcher Susan Gore ran all the way to the shortstop’s position, leaving home plate uncovered and letting Brad Radke stroll home to put the Floss up 8-7. That was all for the Floss, however, as Jody Palmer grounded out to the shortstop and Linda Potter grounded out to the pitcher.

The Cubs came up looking to retake the lead, and started the bottom of the fourth in a similar way to how they started the bottom of the third, with Paco Kaufman reaching first and then stealing second. This was followed with a Susan Gore single, and then Lisa Crocket brought everyone home by hitting a home run down the left field alleyway to put the Cubs up 10-8. Carlos Ocampo then hit a double to center, but Alex Rodriguez then proceeded to strike out, and although Jorge made it to first on a single to left field a foul ball to right was caught by Kathy, leaving the Cubs with runners on first and second and two outs with Jessica Wassersas approaching the plate. She hit a ball off the building in right center, and that brought in a run and left the Cubs with runners on the corners and a prorated 12-8 lead. Jessica stole second as soon as possible, but it didn’t end up mattering as Kenny Kawaguchi ground out to the catcher, ending the inning.

The Floss thereby entered the fifth inning down four and with their playoff hopes on the line. Kathy Wolf started things out for them with an infield single where she beat the throw, and then after Kathy stole second Tina Herrara placed a grounder perfectly down the first base line to get on base. Vic Soufle loaded the bases with an infield single, and that brought up power hitter Jeff Bagwell, who hit a towering infield fly to bring Ricky Johnson to the plate with one out and the bases loaded. Ricky managed to make something happen, though, as he hit a dribbler to the pitcher where Kathy Wolf barely made it home in time to beat the throw. With everyone safe, Brad Radke came up to the plate and hit a grounder to the pitcher that was bobbled, allowing everyone to reach base safely again and cutting the Cubs’ lead to 12-10. This brought Emily Lewbell (who had already had a bases-clearing double) to the plate, and she smacked a hard line drive directly to Kenny Kawaguchi in center field. Her efforts weren’t wasted, though, as Vic proceeded to take home on the sacrifice, putting the game within a run. Jody Palmer came up to bat with runners on first and second and proceeded to lay a perfect grounder down the third base line that allowed everyone to reach, and she was followed by Linda Potter, who also laid a perfect grounder down the line to tie the game at 12 apiece. Kathy Wolf then came to the plate, and after a pitching swap was made to move the tired Jessica Wassersas to first base, she hit a pop-up in that direction that landed safely and ended up scoring two runs and advancing Linda Potter to 3rd due to the high concrete bounces of Cement Garden. She then stole second, and the throw to third base was mishandled by Jorge Garcia, allowing Linda Potter to cross the plate and put the Floss up 15-12. Tina Herrara then got on base with an infield grounder, but the rally ended there as Vic Soufle popped out to second base.

The Cubs thus entered their final three outs down by three runs. For the third time in a row, they started the inning with a Paco Kaufman single followed by a steal of second, but this time the Floss managed to stop Susan Gore, as she ground out to second. Although an error after the out allowed Paco to reach third, this was the first time Susan had been out all game. On the next at-bat, Lisa Crocket hit a grounder directly to third base, but Jeff Bagwell was too quick on the trigger and threw the ball past the first baseman and out of play, allowing a run to score and putting Lisa on second. Carlos Ocampo then made it to first on an infield single, but Alex Rodriguez popped out to second baseman, leaving the Cubs down two runs with two runners on base and Jorge Garcia coming to the plate to try and do something with their final out. Do something he did, as he once again hit the ball into the alleyway; this time it was ruled a double, and the Cubs were now trailing 15-14 with two outs and runners on second and third.

They weren’t able to complete the comeback, however, as Zoe Mallory hit a grounder to the second baseman for the third out. The last hope for the Cubs was for the Floss to not score any more and give up some runs, but the Floss got another run in the top of the inning off of an Emily Lewbell sacrifice fly to center and then proceeded to shut the Cubs down in the bottom of the sixth, winning the game.

Montana Floss 16, Boston Cubs 14

Next week’s game: Super-Duper Melonheads vs. Baltimore Bombers

There’s a lot of tension around the playoff race. Sometimes you’ve just got to sit back and remember that the game’s all about fun. That’s what we get this week, as Matchup Of The Week returns to the Indoor Conference to cover a game between two teams that are at this moment eliminated from the playoffs. The Melonheads may be having a poor year, but they always put up a fight and try their best, and have fun. The same can be said of the Bombers, who have weathered a coaching change and uncertainty about the rules to work their way through an overall fun season. Take a break from the drama and enjoy some good baseball this Saturday, September 18th at 8:30 Mountain Time, only on Sisu’s twitch!

Player of the game: There are several players you could consider for this position (including Emily Lewbell, who hit 7 RBIs despite only going 2-for-5 and never crossing home plate–hey, sacrifice flies help with that). But this time, I think the award goes to the Backyard Conference’s PITCHER OF THE WEEK! After three straight games where the Floss ace gave up a run, he returned to his shutout and shutdown ways, throwing 9 strikeouts and only allowing a single hit in a magnificent performance where the Floss absolutely needed a win.

FRONTYARD CONFERENCE

Los Angeles Dodgers 49, Tampa Bay Devil Rays 6

This game can be encompassed in a single word. That word is demolition. This game was originally scheduled as the Matchup Of The Week until Tampa Bay coach T-Boz failed to get his game in for the matchup; in retrospect, this might’ve been for the best. The Devil Rays put together a fairly normal game for them, as they won 8-2, but it didn’t matter to the Dodgers, who put together a 41-0 win that with proration left them only one run short of the 50-run barrier. The Dodgers pretty obviously won this one in the biggest blowout the Frontyard has seen, and in doing so not only demolished Tampa Bay’s AI, but also the Devil Rays dreams of playoff contention, which at this point now hang by a thread.

Player of the game: Everyone on the Dodgers was smacking the ball around (the weakest batter was Ronny Dobbs, who went 3-for-6 with a walk; every other player finished with more hits than outs for the game), so it makes sense that one of them was named the Frontyard Conference’s BATTER OF THE WEEK! Which one was it? Leah Wayne, who only hit singles or homers as she went 7-for-8 with four singles and 3–count ’em, 3–home runs. She didn’t have the most RBIs on the team (that honor goes to Albert Pujols, who had 10) and only tied for the most runs scored (she and Murray Goldman each scored 7 times), but her 9 RBIs and 7 runs scored were most definitely impressive. Add in her two stolen bases, and on a day where everyone on the team contributed, she definitely contributed the most.

Minnesota Twins 14, New York Yankees 1

The Twins kept themselves in the playoff race with this obliteration of New York. For Minnesota, it was business as usual, as they racked up 14 runs on 22 hits and pitched a road shutout at Tin Can Alley. As for New York, they faltered again, scoring only a single run on nine hits (although Yankees pitcher Tom Glass did have an impressive 11-strikeout shutout performance). In the aftermath, the Twins remain a game out of the playoffs, but they could very easily force a tiebreaker game if the Dodgers or Giants lose and they keep performing well.

Player of the game: Julie, Julie, Julie! Julie Dunkel was a monster on the mound, throwing 3 strikeouts in a four-hit shutout. And she was an even bigger monster at the plate, going 3-for-5 with a pair of doubles and a home run that brought home 7 RBIs and saw her crossing the plate thrice. The only monster she isn’t is the monster under her bed, and that’s thankfully kept away by her nightlight.

Humongous Hornets 8, Florida Marlins -2

In one of Jyknight’s (now discontinued) power rankings earlier this season, he said that the Hornets had always been a second-half team. I expressed skepticism at the time, but it looks like Jyknight was right and I was wrong (as usual), so you can consider this a formal apology. The Hornets started 0-6, but at this point they’re 4-8 and have definitely picked up the pace; second-half team is right! It seems like the problem was that their AI couldn’t do enough to hold up their solid performance on the player end, but that wasn’t the case in this one, as Florida was held to two runs on five hits and gave up eight hits and four runs on defense. The Hornets just rolled, scoring seven runs on fourteen hits and shutting out their opponents with their pitching rotation of Angelique Harding and Annie Frazier.

Player of the game: Everybody contributed to the Hornets win in some way, meaning there were no standout players. That means that this one is more of a “general biggest contributor”, although you could make arguments for other players. Angelique Harding was that in this game, as on the mound she faced down 10 batters, threw 14 pitches, allowed 3 hits, and got one strikeout, while at the plate she went 2-for-3 with a single and an extremely rare home run, finishing with 3 RBIs and scoring once while also striking out once. She’s also seeing a therapist for her anger issues, so good on her.

Junior Athletics 13, Little Giants -2

It was a game between the haves and the have-nots this week. The haves in this case are the Junior Athletics, who have a coach who’s battled his way through the season to be in line for a playoff spot. The have-nots are the Little Giants, who despite their best efforts and a strong defense have had a very hard time scoring runs, and have frequently found themselves playing into extra innings before eventually seeing their defense snap to the AI. That was the case in this one, where the Little Giants struggled through over 10 innings before giving up a 2-run homer and falling to the AI. The Junior Athletics, meanwhile, scored 13 runs on 25 hits and 3 walks and won easily despite their inefficiency (partially bolstered by Todd Xavier’s PITCHER OF THE WEEK performance).

Player of the game: Sally Dobbs of the Junior Athletics got back into the swing of things (heh heh…pun) by going 4-for-5 with a pair of singles and a pair of home runs. She finished with 5 RBIs and scored twice. Plus, if both the Athletics and the Dodgers keep winning, both she and her brother will be in the playoffs!

INDOOR CONFERENCE

Seattle Fishes 6, Super-Duper Melonheads 4

The only win the Melonheads have this season is against the Fishes, and with this result they won’t collect a sweep. In this case they didn’t lose because Seattle went through elchrisblanco’s typical late-season surge (granted, that is what the Fishes did), as the Fishes only put up 6 runs on 17 hits. In this case, the problem for the Melonheads was that they weren’t able to score enough, as they only got 4 runs on the same number of hits. (Each team also had a walk.) This result means that the Melonheads stay at the bottom of the Indoor Conference with games against the Bombers and Reds upcoming, while the Fishes have clawed their way back to .500 and might actually finish the season with a winning record–quite a feat for a team that started 0-4.

Player of the game: In a game this defensively-oriented, how could it be anyone but a pitcher? Kristen Sullivan of the Fishes had a complete-game shutout, throwing 52 pitches and 5 strikeouts while only allowing one hit. She also has a pet donkey at home who can eat a whole tumbleweed in one sitting.

Arizona Diamondbacks 24, Milwaukee Braves 2

It was just another ordinary game for the Arizona Diamondbacks, as they once again relied on Jay Green and Randy Johnson to get a win. Unusually enough, Randy Johnson had a good day on both ends, boosting the Diamondbacks score–not that it was needed, as the Braves once again fell short in a difficult game, this time having trouble on the road as they only won 4-2. This allowed the Diamondbacks to stay on track in their quest for the top seed from the Indoor Conference, while Milwaukee remains eliminated.

Player of the game: Randy Johnson is one of the most fearsome pitchers in the league; that’s been evident for a while and was obvious in this one, where he threw a one-hit shutout game complete with 6 strikeouts. That’s not all the tall glass of water did, though, as he had a rare strong day at the plate, going 4-for-5 with three singles and a home run and finishing with 6 RBIs (tied for the team lead with Jay Green) and two scores (not tied for the team lead with Jay Green). Also, he’s really tall.

Baltimore Bombers 20, Texas Rangers 18

After losing their first game a week ago to the Braves, the Rangers dropped another one, this one on the road against Baltimore. In this case, the Rangers put up a good fight, scoring 20 runs on 27 hits and a walk, but ended up giving up two runs defensively. This was enough to let the Bombers swooce past, as Baltimore scored 18 runs on 25 hits and 4 walks, and although they allowed a run, that run differential of 17 was prorated to a run differential of 20, putting them ahead of the Rangers. While this has no impact on who makes the playoffs, this loss combined with the Diamondbacks win puts the Rangers in second place in the Indoor Conference, making next week’s game against the Diamondbacks even more important for both sides.

Player of the game: If you’re gonna go up against one of the best teams in your conference, it helps to have the BATTER OF THE WEEK on your side. That’s exactly what Baltimore had in the form of Fred Benson, who went 5-for-5 with two singles, two doubles, and a triple, scoring four times and notching 5 RBIs. He also enjoys lasagna.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angles Association 24, Boston Reds 10

The Angels may be eliminated, but that doesn’t mean they’re just going to give up (no matter how much Jomar wants to). That was evident when the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angles Association took on the Boston Reds and utterly dismantled them, scoring 24 runs on 36 hits and two walks. Boston could barely compete, as although they had one of their better games this season (producing 10 runs on 20 hits while giving up 2 runs), they didn’t come anywhere close to the Angels output and lost easily.

Player of the game: Mr. Clanky was one of the Angels strongest batters, going 5-for-6 with three singles, a double, and a home run, finishing with 4 RBIs and 4 runs scored. It’s not just offensive prowess that got the robot here, though, as on the mound he saw 18 batters come up to the plate…and 18 batters go down at the plate, as Mr. Clanky threw 38 pitches and 6 strikeouts in a perfect game that got him named the Indoor Conference’s PITCHER OF THE WEEK!

BACKYARD CONFERENCE

Junior Brewers 15.8, Red Phillies 15

It was a tough, tightly-contested match between two teams vying for the final playoff spot, but in the end the Brewers emerged victorious. The Phillies played a good game on the road, as they put together a 30-hit, 1-walk day that garnered them 20 runs, and in most instances this would be enough to defeat a Brewers team that was only able to manage 23 hits and 14 runs while giving up a run of their own. Unfortunately for the Phillies, Esmarelda Heimann was shaky on the mound, and while she had only given up 2 runs entering the bottom of the sixth, she absolutely imploded at that point (an implosion aided by the coach’s unwillingness to pull his pitcher when she gets tired) and gave up a three-run homer. That was just enough to push the Phillies score below that of the prorated Brewers, and the Junior Brewers took the win. The Junior Brewers are now 5-7 and tied for the final playoff spot from the Backyard Conference, while the Red Phillies find themselves a game behind the three other teams in the race with only two games left to play.

Player of the game: The Red Phillies may have lost, but it definitely wasn’t Sammy Sosa’s fault. The star slugger went 5-for-5 with a pair of doubles and 3–count ’em, 3–home runs for the Phillies, finishing with 8 RBIs (although he didn’t manage to score unless he hit the ball out). It’s gotta be disappointing for him to see his team faltering like this, especially coming off of a championship season, but that’s life–and if the Phillies do make a late-season run, you can bet that he’ll be one of their biggest contributors.

Purple Sox 50, Green Monsters 10

Something that helped the Monsters look good in the early part of the second half of the season was that their first four games were against other teams competing for the fourth seed in the Backyard Conference. The unfortunate counterpoint to this is that their last three games are going to come against teams all hunting for the top seed. When you combine this with them facing one of the best offensive coaches in the league, a home field that’s heavily biased towards offensive production, and the Monsters struggling to score runs at home, well…you get this result. The Green Monsters did okay, scoring 11 runs on 19 hits and a walk, although them giving up three runs on defense definitely hurt them. Unfortunately for them, though, the Purple Sox came to win; what you may not know is that any scores above fifty are automatically capped, so a 42-1 victory is a 41-run output, but a 81-32 victory gets changed to 50-32 and an 18-run output. Long story short, the Purple Sox got three walks (okay), 75 hits (oh that’s bad), and 61 runs (stick a fork in ’em). If this wasn’t humiliating enough, they also shut out the Green Monsters, resulting in a dead-on 50-burger. This leaves the Green Monsters in a dead heat with the other two 5-7 teams in the playoff race with a couple of difficult games coming up, while the Purple Sox are now in first place in the Backyard Conference after the Cubs loss.

Player of the game: The entire Purple Sox squad had a good day, and trying to choose the best is difficult…so how about we just go with the Backyard Conference’s BATTER OF THE WEEK in Timmy Unger? The Ungry Man Dinner went 8-for-8 with a lone single, a pair of doubles, a trio of triples…and then only two home runs. Fret not, though, he also grabbed one of the Purple Sox’s three walks and scored 7 times with 11 RBIs! Cap that off with a pair of stolen bases, and you’ve got a recipe for a phenomenal performance.

Wizard Wombats 12, Baltimore Orioles -1

First, losing to the AI came to the Frontyard Conference. Then, losing to the AI came to the Indoor Conference. And now, a Backyard Conference team has done it: Mavfatha’s Orioles fell to the AI Wizard Wombats on the road by a 2-1 score. In fairness to Baltimore, they’ve always been seen as the weak link of the Backyard Conference, with the record to prove it; however, this was a new low for the team, as they only put up a single run on 8 hits and a walk (that run a solo shot from Cheryl Reynolds) and allowed 2 runs to cross the plate on 5 hits. All the Wombats had to do was show up, and that’s exactly what they did, winning 11-1 with their lowest score of the year. The Wombats remain in second place and tied with the Purple Sox, while the Orioles are eliminated with this loss.

Player of the game: Chico Pappas came through for the Wombats this week, going 3-for-4 with a single and a pair of homers. He had 5 RBIs and scored twice, and when questioned about his routine, admitted that he started the day with a big bowl of oatmeal with cinnamon and vanilla.

PLAYOFF SCENARIOS

FRONTYARD CONFERENCE

It’s pretty much always been about the Los Angeles Dodgers in this one. Last week, they made it interesting when they lost to the (guest-coached) Florida Marlins; this week, they made it less interesting by beating the Tampa Bay Devil Rays to death. Let’s go over the possible playoff scenarios for each team.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Losing to the Dodgers pretty much put the Devil Rays out of contention. Had they won, they would’ve been tied with the Dodgers, held the tiebreaker over them with a game against the Twins coming up and a chance to push that race to a tie. Instead, they’re now two games behind both the Los Angeles Dodgers and Junior Athletics–and the Athletics hold the tiebreaker, while the Dodgers don’t. This means that their slim chances of making the playoffs rely on just forcing a tiebreaker game with the Dodgers, so they need to win out, the Dodgers to lose out, and the Twins to lose out just to force that tiebreaker game; a Los Angeles win or losing at any point puts Tampa Bay out of contention.

Minnesota Twins

Remember how I said it’s always been about the Dodgers? It’s not just about the Dodgers here. The Twins way into the playoffs is simple: they need to force a tiebreaker game with either the Athletics or the Dodgers (they’re 1-1 against each of them) and win it. Being a game back is a hindrance, but if they can win out and either the Dodgers or the Athletics lose once, they’ll get that tiebreaker game. (If either the Dodgers or Athletics lose twice and the Twins win out, the Twins are in as well, and a tiebreaker game would also happen if the Twins go 1-1 and either the Dodgers or the Athletics go 0-2 down the stretch.) They’re not out of the race yet, although they’re a bit behind.

Junior Athletics

The Junior Athletics are in the driver’s seat here, sitting one game ahead of the Twins and in a playoff spot. If they win out, they make the playoffs. If they win one game and the Twins lose one game, they make the playoffs. If they lose both games but the Twins lose both games as well, they’re in the playoffs. Basically, if they can match what the Twins do, they’re in, since they can’t be bumped out of the playoffs by the Dodgers or Devil Rays.

Los Angeles Dodgers

Los Angeles is simultaneously in the best position and the most precarious position. The Athletics only losses came against the Dodgers twice and the Twins once; Los Angeles lost to the Twins and Devil Rays once, which means a tiebreaker game can be forced by either of those teams if they catch up to the Dodgers. As with the Athletics, the Dodgers just have to keep pace with Minnesota to make it in, but if they falter and end up tied with the Twins or Devil Rays, they’ll have to play a tiebreaker game. Despite this, they’re in pole position for the first seed due to being tied with the Athletics, whom they beat twice.

INDOOR CONFERENCE

The Indoor Conference is pretty cut-and-dry: the Texas Rangers and Arizona Diamondbacks have clinched the only two playoff spots, and everyone else is out. The only question is who gets the #1 seed and who gets the #2 seed. For most of the season, it would’ve been the Rangers, but after their recent two-game skid the Rangers are trailing the Diamondbacks in the standings for the first time all season (Texas had either led or been tied with Arizona prior to this week). Consequently, the Week 13 Rangers-Diamondbacks matchup is of vital importance; if Texas wins in Week 13, they’ll be tied with Arizona for first and hold the head-to-head tiebreakers, at which point the Rangers will claim the first seed with a win or a Diamondbacks loss and the Diamondbacks will claim the first seed with a win and a Rangers loss. Meanwhile, if Arizona beats Texas, Arizona will claim a two game lead with one game left and clinch the first seed in the Indoor Conference.

BACKYARD CONFERENCE

The Boston Cubs, Wizard Wombats, and Purple Sox have all clinched. The Baltimore Orioles have been eliminated. Everyone else? Technically alive, although the degree of life varies. Here’s how each team can make it in.

Red Phillies

The Phillies are a game behind the rest of the field. There’s only two games left. And two other teams in the running for the final seed play each other, so one of them has to win. This means something very, very simple: to have a shot, the Phillies have to win out. If they do that, they’d sit at 6-8, and from there the scenarios for them to get in unfold. If the Monsters lose out and the Floss and Brewers both lose Week 13, whomever won the Floss/Brewers match would also be 6-8. If Montana wins that game, the Phillies make the playoffs due to holding the head-to-head tiebreaker against them, while if the Brewers win the Phillies and Brewers would play a tiebreaker game for the final seed. On the other hand, if the Monsters win one of their remaining games but everything else stays the same, we would see a three-way tie involving the Phillies, and that would give them a chance to get in. And if the Monsters won once, either the Floss or Brewers won in Week 13, and whichever won didn’t win the match between them, we’d see all four teams at 6-8 and the fabled four-way tie.

Montana Floss

By comparison, Montana’s road in is very, very simple: they have to beat the Brewers. If they beat the Purple Sox and beat the Brewers, they make the playoffs regardless of what happens (even if the Green Monsters tie their record at 7-7, the Montana Floss would still hold the tiebreaker), but even if you assume the Floss beat the Purple Sox they still can’t afford to lose to the Brewers; if the Brewers beat them, both teams would be tied at 6-8, with the Brewers holding the tiebreaker. As it stands, the Floss will make the playoffs if they win out, if they go 6-8 and the Brewers and Phillies both go 5-9 (with the Green Monsters going 5-9 or 6-8), if they can force a tiebreaker game with the Brewers by beating them, or if they can wrangle a three- or four-way tie (all teams involved tie at 6-8) and win the tiebreakers there.

Green Monsters

The Monsters are in what’s simultaneously the best and the worst position. On the one hand, they’ve surged in the second half of the season, and still have decent odds to win it all. On the other hand, their surge can largely be credited to having played the weaker part of the conference, as they close with three games against the three toughest teams in the Backyard Conference. Making things more difficult is the fact that they only swept the Phillies; if they ended up in a tie with the Phillies, they would make the playoffs, but a tie with the Brewers would necessitate a tiebreaker game and a tie with the Floss would see them out of the playoffs as the Floss swept them. Put simply, they’re well-off record-wise but the schedule from here on out is unfavorable. If they win out, they would sit at 7-7, and at worst be tied with the Brewers (tiebreaker game) or the Floss (Floss win tiebreaker). If they win one of their remaining games, they would definitely be tied with either the Floss or the Brewers if both teams lost in Week 13; even if it’s the Floss, though, they’d still be able to force tiebreakers if the Phillies won out and it was a three-way tie at 6-8. And, of course, there’s always the possibility of a four-way tie–so long as the Monsters can win one game.

Junior Brewers

The biggest obstacle the Brewers face this season is themselves. Specifically, they face the problem of their own unpredictability. Sometimes, they’ve looked like one of the best teams in the Backyard Conference; other times, they’ve looked like one of the worst. This unpredictability means that they could easily win out and at worst face a tiebreaker game with the Monsters, while it also means that they could crash and burn, lose out, and miss the playoffs entirely. As it stands, they need to win at least one game; if that game happens to be the one against the Floss, they could make the playoffs if the Monsters and Phillies finish 5-9 or worse, while if it’s the one against the Cubs they’d be locked into a tiebreaker game with the Floss (assuming the Monsters and Phillies finish 5-9 or worse). Either way, they have a good chance to make the playoffs, but only if they can stay out of their own way.

STANDINGS

Backyard Conference
Wizard Wombats [Wizard] (9-3)
Purple Sox [aesnop] (9-3)
Boston Cubs [KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS] (8-4)
Junior Brewers [jibbodahibbo] (5-7)
Montana Floss [JorgesBankAccount] (5-7)
Green Monsters [Yurya] (5-7)
Red Phillies [crazyei8hts] (4-8)
Baltimore Orioles [Mavfatha] (3-9)

Indoor Conference
Arizona Diamondbacks [Sisu] (11-1)
Texas Rangers [Jyknight] (10-2)
Baltimore Bombers [jlund/Repub] (7-5)
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angles Association [JOMAR] (7-5)
Seattle Fishes [elchrisblanco] (6-6)
Milwaukee Braves [Natetastic] (4-8)
Boston Reds [shrewsbury] (2-10)
Super-Duper Melonheads [Eauxps I. Fourgott] (1-11)

Frontyard Conference
Los Angeles Dodgers [hitace] (9-3)
Junior Athletics [MelloMathTeacher] (9-3)
Minnesota Twins [Toast] (8-4)
Tampa Bay Devil Rays [T-Boz] (7-5)
New York Yankees [Marco] (5-7)
Florida Marlins [skolgamingnetwork] (5-7)
Humongous Hornets [Vissery] (4-8)
Little Giants [SilverBullet102] (1-11)

PLAYOFF PICTURE

BACKYARD
#1 Purple Sox [aesnop] (9-3)[x]
#2 Wizard Wombats [Wizard] (9-3)[x]
#3 Boston Cubs [KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS] (8-4)[x]
#4 Junior Brewers [jibbodahibbo] (5-7)

IN THE HUNT
#5 Montana Floss [JorgesBankAccount] (5-7)
#6 Green Monsters [Yurya] (5-7)
#7 Red Phillies [crazyei8hts] (4-8)

INDOOR
#1 Arizona Diamondbacks [Sisu] (11-1)[x]
#2 Texas Rangers [Jyknight] (10-2)[x]

FRONTYARD
#1 Los Angeles Dodgers [hitace] (9-3)
#2 Junior Athletics [MelloMathTeacher] (9-3)

IN THE HUNT
#3 Minnesota Twins [Toast] (8-4)
#4 Tampa Bay Devil Rays [T-Boz] (7-5)

[x] = clinched playoff berth

CURRENTLY ELIMINATED*
New York Yankees [Marco] (Frontyard Conference)
Florida Marlins [skolgamingnetwork] (Frontyard Conference)
Little Giants [SilverBullet102] (Frontyard Conference)
Humongous Hornets [Vissery] (Frontyard Conference)
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angles Association (Indoor Conference)
Baltimore Bombers [jlund/Repub] (Indoor Conference)
Seattle Fishes [elchrisblanco] (Indoor Conference)
Milwaukee Braves [Natetastic] (Indoor Conference)
Super-Duper Melonheads [Eauxps I. Fourgott] (Indoor Conference)
Boston Reds [shrewsbury] (Indoor Conference)
Baltimore Orioles [Mavfatha] (Backyard Conference)
*elimination calculations by Sports Club Stats

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

“Like, it’s all wholesomeness, friendship, and introspection. And then pure, unadulterated hate.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on the quotes of the week

“We’ve still got a ways to go. A great defensive performance is good for one game, and one game only. We must maintain this, no matter what. Remain humble, keep working, and good things will come.” – Todd Xavier, Junior Athletics, evidently coached on what to say to the media

“The Devil Rays are totally gonna get slaughtered, aren’t they.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on how well the Tampa Bay Devil Rays match up against the Los Angeles Dodgers

“No way. No [censored] way.” – T-Boz, Tampa Bay Devil Rays head coach, on whether or not his team would get slaughtered

“I just had a good game. Everything hit the side of the shed.” – hitace, Los Angeles Dodgers head coach, on slaughtering the Tampa Bay Devil Rays

“We don’t have any words and we know you don’t want to hear them. We understand your anger, your frustration, your sadness. Everything you’re feeling – we get it. This isn’t the ending we imagined, and certainly not the one we wanted. Thank you for being there the entire way.” – T-Boz, Tampa Bay Devil Rays head coach, invoking the Tampa Bay Lightning

“It’s been quite a while since I’ve hit any homers. Glad to be back in form with two in one game, and to see the kids show maturity and kindness to the opposition after the game. I’ve made the playoffs every season so far, but according to the record books, neither Courtney nor Butch have made it. We’ve got to do it for them. They’ve been great at what they do, and they deserve to experience this.” – Sally Dobbs, Junior Athletics, on wanting to make the playoffs

“I’m one, two, three, four, five…five years old!” – Ronny Dobbs, Los Angeles Dodgers, on being four years old and yet somehow having played seven seasons

“Aesnop hates fun.” – Vissery, Humongous Hornets head coach, on aesnop, Purple Sox head coach

“I will always condone drug use.” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, doubling down on last week’s controversial statements about drug use and abuse on his team

“I’m pretty sure if I were an actual coach for a sports team I would tell someone to shut up during a press conference.” – Vissery, Humongous Hornets head coach, who apparently isn’t an actual coach

“Mrs. Eckman was kind enough to accommodate us with some cookies to hang out and chat after the game. Coach SilverBullet and I formed a bit of a friendship in preseason because we could empathize with each other’s offensive struggles. I mean, look at our Week 1 game: It took a tiebreaker for us to win that one. Hellerman’s a monster, dude. Got the kids swinging at a lot of bad pitches. It took a heck of a coaching effort to get my kids where they are, but they’ve really started to flourish. But I never forget my roots. Across the infield there’s a lot of frustration from the Giants dugout I can sense. It’s important to ensure that everyone is having fun with what they do, and to extend grace and courteousness. I had my team break a small part of their cookie and give it to him along with a compliment. The way he’s stuck out the season with vigor is admirable. You’re a bro, Coach Silver. Wish you the best next season.” – MelloMathTeacher, Juinor Athletics head coach, respecting an actual coach

“If I’m gonna roast anyone it’s gonna be my own players.” – Vissery, Humongous Hornets head not-coach, on his motivational strategy

“Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up.” – Bob Lemon, former New York Yankees manager and current corpse

“If I’m gonna lose my job as coach I’m gonna do it in the most mismanaged, corrupt way possible.” – Vissery, Humongous Hornets head not-coach, on not being the coach