The first round is in the books! We saw a few upsets…no, that’s incorrect. We saw more than a few upsets, and the playoffs are getting nuts with just four teams left! Plus, I hear there’s a consolation tournament for those who didn’t qualify for the postseason, and it is spicy!

DIVISIONAL ROUND

#1 Purple Sox (11-3, Backyard Conference) vs. #2 Los Angeles Dodgers (10-4, Frontyard Conference)

I could try and pretend that you have to scroll down to find out what happened in this one, but I’m not gonna bury the lede. These two games were some of the first to have their results in (coming the Saturday and Sunday after the playoffs started–so almost immediately after play begain), and the results…well, it was a Dodgers sweep. Not just a sweep, but an utter dismantling of the Purple Sox.

It was a shocker. How much of a shocker? In the prediction challenge, only one person predicted the Dodgers would win this series. That person was me, and I was trying to lay out what I thought would be the easiest path for me to win it all rather than actually predict what would happen. It’s been close to a month, and I’m still trying to wrap my head around this result. We all got burned here, so it’ll be interesting to see whether the Dodgers can continue to shock the league and push for a World Series berth.

Game 1: Los Angeles Dodgers at Purple Sox (Steele Stadium)
Everyone was expecting the Purple Sox to go on a rampage against the Dodgers, in large part because Los Angeles’s catcher leaves third base open to steals from the very start of the game. This didn’t quite happen; while the Purple Sox put up a perfectly good 20-1 home win for a prorated score of 23, this was below their season average (but above their home average). As for the Dodgers, they were the first team to truly take advantage of the Purple Sox’s weak pitching. It was an absolute massacre at Steele Stadium, as they turned six innings at their home field into a 59-0 romp, smashing 14 homers (more than in any other game except for their previous game against the Twins) and finishing with 61 hits and 11 walks–so it could’ve been worse. It was a shocking upset, and the Dodgers took a 1-0 series lead.

Los Angeles Dodgers 59, Purple Sox 23

Game 2: Purple Sox at Los Angeles Dodgers (Steele Stadium)
If you thought that this would throw the Purple Sox off their game, you’d be wrong, as they put up an almost-identical performance in their “road” game at Steele Stadium. The Purple Sox once again flexed their offensive muscle to the tune of a 25-2 win, and although this was below their average score on the season, it was higher than their average score at Steele Stadium. But did this help them come back and tie the series? Absolutely not! The Los Angeles Dodgers again dragged the Purple Sox into an alleyway and wailed on them, this time scoring “only” 42 runs in 5 innings for a prorated home score of…that magical mystical 50. The Dodgers swept the Purple Sox in perhaps the biggest upset this season–and the systematic destruction of what was believed to be the toughest team in the league has many wondering whether the Dodgers are the true monsters at the end of the book.

Los Angeles Dodgers 50, Purple Sox 23

Los Angeles Dodgers win series 2-0

Up next: The Los Angeles Dodgers are going to go at it with the Arizona Diamondbacks, and I’ve got to say that after twin 50s (seriously! Two fifties in a row! Who does that? And how? And can they possibly keep that special sauce flowing?) I’m seriously considering that the Dodgers may just manage to pull off the upset. Everyone may have been projecting the Dodgers to wash out due to their awful catching situation, but uh…that script has been flipped, to say the least. The question’s changed from “can the Dodgers possibly score enough to make up for their catcher” to “can anyone score enough to catch up to the Dodgers”–and, at least as far as the Arizona Diamondbacks go, the answer is a hard “maybe.“

Series MVP: Purple Sox head coach aesnop has repeatedly expressed love for the Dodgers’ Debby Nagasawa, whom he coached in a previous season. As it turns out, the things we love are also the things that can hurt us the most, which she did, going 16-for-16 with a team-leading 8 home runs (5 in Game 1, 3 in Game 2, led the team in both games) in addition to 2 triples, 2 doubles, and 4 singles. They weren’t exactly wasted efforts, either, as she seemed to deliver in high-leverage situations, bashing in 27 RBIs (18 in Game 1, leading the team; 9 in Game 2, second only to Ronny Dobbs). Plus, she never stopped until she reached home plate, as she scored 16 times. Also of note is Ronny Dobbs, who went 15-for-15 with 7 singles, 2 doubles, 4 triples, and 2 home runs, walked once, scored 12 times (6 in each game), had 20 RBIs (10 in each game; was the second-most behind Debby in Game 1 and led the team in Game 2), and took the mound in Game 2 to pitch a 10-strikeout perfect game.

#2 Boston Cubs (10-4, Backyard Conference) vs. #1 Junior Athletics (11-3, Frontyard Conference)

This was expected to be a close fight between two strong defenses with decent offenses attached. And that it was! Both teams fought hard in this one in close, defensive matches that combined for the fewest runs seen in any of the opening playoff games! To add to the excitement, Games 1 and 2 both had their results released on the same day, the Saturday a week after the playoffs started, with Game 2 being the first playoff Matchup of the Week. Which team won? No free answers here. You’ve either got to scroll down or keep reading to find out.

Game 1: Junior Athletics at Boston Cubs (Cement Gardens)
Speaking of good defense…the AIs held up their end of the bargain at Cement Gardens. It was the player-controlled defense that had trouble not allowing runs, as both the Junior Athletics and Boston Cubs gave up three to the AI. The big difference in this one was the offenses; the Cubs were held to 8 runs in total for a prorated score of six, and while the Athletics only had a score of 7-3 going into the sixth inning they rode a five-run rally that culminated in a three-run homer from Todd Xavier of all people to an eventual 12-3 win–and a 9-6 overall total that gave them a surprising 1-0 series lead.

Junior Athletics 9, Boston Cubs 6

Game 2: Boston Cubs at Junior Athletics (Dubois Diamond)
I mentioned that this was Matchup of the Week, right? Well, Sisu nailed the choice again with this one. It’s been common for a while to state that the Week 9 bout between the Los Angeles Dodgers and Junior Athletics was the best primetime game yet, but this one definitely gave it a run for its money, as the Cubs and Athletics brawled in a tough defensive struggle. It started out well for Boston, as they took a 3-0 lead in the first inning, but the Athletics fought back to make it 3-3 entering the second. The defenses tightened up from there, as the second inning ended with the score 3-3, and while the Cubs were able to load the bases in the top of the third they didn’t score any runs. In the bottom of that inning the Athletics took a 4-3 lead, but the Cubs battled back in the top of the fourth to load the bases again only for Jorge Garcia to hit a pop-up. This 4-3 lead held until the bottom of the fifth, when with runners on the corners Athletics coach MelloMathTeacher made the gutsy call to steal second with Nan Porter and then send Sally Dobbs (on third base) home on the throw to the base. The throw was in time to prevent the steal, but when Sally Dobbs took off for home, Cubs shortstop Alex Rodriguez got antsy and tried to throw it to the plate. Sally just barely made it in time, and because Rodriguez threw the ball before he tagged Nan Porter, both runners were safe and the Athletics had a prorated 6-3 lead. This was followed by a deep fly ball from Holly Franklin that was dropped, allowing Nan Porter to sprint home all the way from second base and give the Athletics a tough-to-surmount 7-3 lead. They’d take this lead into the sixth inning, but it was there that their defense finally buckled, as the Cubs put two runners in scoring position and batted them in to cut the lead to two before suffering a strikeout and a popout with a runner on second. They needed a hero, and Lisa Crocket stepped up, slapping a line drive into the deepest part of the field that turned into an inside-the-ballpark home run when the Athletics defense had trouble getting the ball back to the infield. This tied the game, but since the home team technically had a prorated 7.2-7 lead, the Boston Cubs would need one more run–from either their AI or the player side–to win the game. Kenny Kawaguchi would need to deliver, and unfortunately for the Cubs, he didn’t, grounding out and ending the game as the Athletics took the win and the series by shutting down the Cubs AI in the bottom of the sixth.

Junior Athletics 7.2, Boston Cubs 7

Junior Athletics win series 2-0

Up next: The Junior Athletics are going to take on an opponent with a bit more of an offensive bent in the Texas Rangers, who are currently one of two teams in the postseason to have put up more than 50 runs in a playoff game. Their defense will need to stand strong again against a team that’s often done just enough to win, as the alternative is a fairly swift exit from the playoffs.

Series MVP: In a defensively-oriented struggle such as this, how could the MVP be anything other than a pitcher? Todd Xavier stood out among his teammates on the Junior Athletics, being decisive in both games. In Game 1, he wasn’t having the greatest day on the mound, as he gave up 8 hits and 3 runs while producing only four strikeouts, but he made up for it on offense, as although he went 1-for-4 with two (intentional) strikeouts, that one hit was a 3-run homer down the Cement Gardens alleyway in the 6th inning that produced the margin of victory. In Game 2, he had an average day on offense, going 1-for-2 with a single and a walk, but on the mound he was devastating, pitching a 3-hit shutout–a shutout that required him to be basically perfect for the second half of the game as the AI Cubs had a power-up in their back pocket. He delivered with 10 strikeouts, and in doing so preserved the win for the Athletics and justified his nickname of Xavier the Savior.

#3 Wizard Wombats (9-5, Backyard Conference) vs. #2 Texas Rangers (10-4, Indoor Conference)
Both of these teams had fallen into a slump to end the year, with the Wombats no longer producing the massive scores that had been their hallmark to start the season and the Rangers having lost the mojo that let them pull out wins no matter the circumstances. There were three ways this series could go: either both teams would pull out of their slumps and play a good series with the winner ready to take on their next opponent, both teams would continue to slump and play a close series with the winner a sacrifice to their next opponent, or one team would pull out of their slump, take the series easily, and be ready to face their next opponent.

Game 1: Texas Rangers at Wizard Wombats (Casa de Pablo)
It looked like the slumps would continue in this one, as the Texas Rangers once again had a tough time for the fifth game in a row. The Rangers struggled at Casa de Pablo, putting up only five runs while allowing one. The Wombats struggled as well, but their struggles (as previously mentioned) have been along the lines of producing between 12-16 runs, while the Rangers haven’t put up double digits. That was the case here, as the Wombats won their side of the game 13-0 and easily took a Game 1 win.

Wizard Wombats 15, Texas Rangers 4

Game 2: Wizard Wombats at Texas Rangers (Dirt Yards)
Dirt Yards is known as being great for offense, and it definitely sparked the Wizard Wombats, as they put up their first score over 20 at the field. In Game 2, the Wombats offense came alive, scoring 25 runs while allowing 2 to cross the plate for a final score of 23. The Wombats weren’t the only team galvanized by Dirt Yards, however, as the Texas Rangers also put together a strong performance with the aid of a gameplan developed by Junior Brewers coach jibbodahibbo. How strong? It was the third score of 50 runs or more registered in the playoffs so far, as they scored 54 runs off of 58 hits and 6 walks while allowing 3 runs to cross the plate on defense. This brought the series to a decisive game three, and also allowed me to notice this fun fact: in all three postseason games where a team has scored 50 or more, their opponent has finished with a score of 23. Perhaps that number’s cursed.

Texas Rangers 51, Wizard Wombats 23

Game 3: Texas Rangers at Wizard Wombats (Casa de Pablo)
This was the second playoff Matchup of the Week, and like most of the primetime selections this season, it was a doozy. It started off well for the Rangers, as they took a quick 2-0 lead and loaded the bases with no outs, but things went downhill from there, as a grounder turned into a double play and a 3-0 lead with a runner on third. They were unable to get another run in the top of the first, and in the bottom of the inning the Wombats AI came roaring back, using the Aluminum Bat power-up they gained from the double play to cut the Rangers’ lead to one. The non-AI Wombats then proceeded to step up, as they put together a homer-fueled 6-run inning that left them up a prorated 7-1 entering the second inning, and after the Rangers went 3 up, 3 down, the Wombats scored three more runs to take a nine-run lead into the third inning. It was then that the Rangers fought back, however, as they produced a 5-run rally capped off with a Molly May homer to left field that closed the gap to four runs. The gap widened again when Marsellus Marx hit a two-run homer in the bottom of the inning to put the Wombats up a prorated 13-6, and although they didn’t score any more runs there they shut down Texas in the top of the fourth inning, leaving them in good shape as they came up to bat again in the bottom of the fourth. That’s when things started to go poorly for the Wizard Wombats, however, as they failed to score in the bottom of the fourth and the Rangers came on like a hurricane in the top of the fifth, scoring 9 runs to give them a 15-13 lead while the Wombats gave up a run to the Rangers AI to cut their score to 12. The Wombats thus entered the bottom of the fifth needing three runs just to catch up to the Rangers, and likely many more if they wanted to keep the Rangers from overwhelming them in the top of the sixth. Their attempt at retaking the lead started out well with a Marsellus Marx single, but a Randi Uno strikeout and a Chico Pappas fielder’s choice meant that the Wombats were down to their final out in very short order. Achmed Khan was their last hope, and with a hefty swing he sent the ball into foul territory where Pete Wheeler made the catch to send the Wombats back to the dugout. Their only hope was that their AI could produce a miracle, and while the Wombats AI did score another two runs, this wasn’t enough to catch the Rangers–especially since Texas added two runs of their own.

Texas Rangers 15, Wizard Wombats 12

Texas Rangers win series 2-1

Up next: The Texas Rangers go from a weak defense to a strong one in the form of the Junior Athletics. They won this series largely on the strength of ground balls against weak arms, so the question here is whether they can have good performances against a strong-armed defense with a great infield–and more importantly, whether they’ve returned to their early-season form of doing just enough to win. If they can keep the momentum going, they’ve got a chance, but the Junior Athletics look to be tough competition for them.

Series MVP: The Rangers were going to need someone to come through for them in a big way to win this series. The surprise hero? Molly May, who was asked to hit for power throughout the series and delivered in spades. She notched plenty of hits, had plenty of RBIs, and held her own on defense to boot, keeping the Rangers in it and helping them win the series and move on to the semifinal round.

#4 Montana Floss (6-8, Backyard Conference) vs. #1 Arizona Diamondbacks (13-1, Indoor Conference)
These teams had some things in common…and a lot of things not in common. The Diamondbacks had been on cruise control for most of the season, riding a strong defense and a surprisingly good Jay Green-fueled offense to an almost perfect season, while the Floss had struggled to even make it to the playoffs. The Diamondbacks had drafted for defense and built a good offense on the side; the Floss had drafted for defense, not done too great a job at it, and built a passable offense out of foul balls and infield singles. This was also the only series where the Backyard Conference team was expected to lose, and that’s with good reason: the Diamondbacks were the stronger team in all respects. So did the Diamondbacks continue to roll, or did the Floss get lucky?

Game 1: Arizona Diamondbacks at Montana Floss (Sandy Flats)
The partial answer to that question was that the Floss got lucky in Game 1. The Diamondbacks had a solid performance at Sandy Flats, playing good offense against the Floss’ arms- and speed-heavy team and scoring 15 runs in a shutout victory. The Floss got lucky when Jason Giambi struggled through a minor leg issue that made him even slower, however; this meant that he took longer to get to the bag, meaning that the Floss could get on base more often than they should and that several throws to first base went past him, allowing them to take extra bases. In the end, the Montana Floss put together an 18-0 win off of 25 hits and 2 walks, and took Game 1 from the Diamondbacks in an upset that gave them the series lead.

Montana Floss 21, Arizona Diamondbacks 15

Game 2: Montana Floss at Arizona Diamondbacks (Dubois Diamond)
The Montana Floss continued to be lucky in Game 2, as a second-inning grand slam from Jeff Bagwell off the shed in right field put them up 8-0 and knocked superstar Diamondbacks pitcher Randy Johnson off the mound early, allowing them to collect 31 hits and a walk and turn in a 17-0 win. That wasn’t enough this time, though, as the Arizona Diamondbacks knocked Floss pitcher Brad Radke off the mound even earlier to go up an unprorated 14-0 by the end of the second inning. The Floss would’ve needed to shut out the Diamondbacks offense from that point on to win the game; they did not, and the Diamondbacks romped to a 25-0 home victory, proving that a return to Dubois Diamond was just what they needed.

Arizona Diamondbacks 30, Montana Floss 17

Game 3: Arizona Diamondbacks at Montana Floss (Sandy Flats)
Dubois Diamond may have been good for the Diamondbacks, but unfortunately for them, they had to play Game 3 at Sandy Flats. Both teams brought everything they had to bear in this one, but there was an important tipping point for the Montana Floss: the third inning. Facing a full count with two outs and a 4-0 lead in the bottom of the third inning, Floss batter Jeff Bagwell slapped the ball into center, where Jay Green dropped it, allowing two runs to score. In response to this, Randy Johnson was taken off the mound (having thrown 98 pitches at this point) and replaced with third baseman Mary Reilly. This turned the Diamondbacks defense from formidable to laughable, and by the time the inning ended, the Floss were up 15-0 and would end up winning 21-0. This prorated 25-run outing wasn’t enough, however, as the Diamondbacks absolutely slaughtered the Floss’s defense in a 27-1 rout that just barely got them past the Montana Floss and gave them a ticket to the semifinal round.

Arizona Diamondbacks 26, Montana Floss 25

Arizona Diamondbacks win series 2-1

Up next: The Diamondbacks take on the Los Angeles Dodgers at the neutral site of Big City Stadium. Will the Diamondbacks defense hold up against the Dodgers onslaught? Or will they be forced to try and outscore the offense-happy Dodgers? It’s definitely going to be a series filled with fireworks, and I for one want to see what happens.

Series MVP: You know him, you love (or loathe) him, you’ve seen what he does with Sisu at the helm. That’s right, it’s none other than Jay Green, who had yet another fantastic run of games filled with home runs and RBIs and…look, Jay Green under Sisu has been an absolute destroyer of dreams, and he destroyed mine, so pardon me if I don’t feel like praising his fantastic performances yet again. Just acknowledge that he was once again the MVP.

CONSOLATION TOURNAMENT

This season, the Consolation tournament changed its setup once again. (This is one of its charms: it’s always been fairly fluid in setup, constantly shifting to fit with the number of participants and their level of engagement.) Since there were eight participants, this time around it was decided that the Consolation Tournament would follow the basic structure of the playoffs. To make things even juicier, the matchups were chosen not based on record or runs scored or anything like that; no, in this case, the matchups were based on what made the most interesting storylines. Personally, I heartily approve of this method.

Baltimore Bombers vs. Minnesota Twins
Theme: Winners don’t lose!

These two teams were some of the stronger ones to grace the tournament–and by that, I mean that they were the only teams in the race that finished with winning records. The 9-5 Baltimore Bombers were never worldbeaters in the Indoor Conference; instead, they were a solid team that won the games they were supposed to and unfortunately lost games against stronger competition to keep them out of the playoffs. As for the Minnesota Twins, they went 10-4 in the Frontyard Conference and only missed out on the playoffs by virtue of losing a play-in game against the Los Angeles Dodgers, acquitting themselves well throughout the season and (like the Bombers) performing very solidly, even winning a couple games against the top teams in their conference. Naturally, it was expected that we’d see a good series between these two teams.

Game 1: Baltimore Bombers at Minnesota Twins (Dirt Yards)

The choice of home field was given to the team with the better record, and the Twins chose to take home field advantage, putting the game at Dirt Yards. This may have been a mistake, as the Bombers have been famously grounder-friendly at times, and it looks like the Bombers definitely were in this one, as they won their side 24-1. The Twins were unfortunately unable to keep up, as while they did post a respectable score of 12-1, it was nowhere near what they needed to beat the Bombers.

Baltimore Bombers 23, Minnesota Twins 13

Game 2: Minnesota Twins at Baltimore Bombers (Scrapco Field)

Game 2 obviously took place at Baltimore’s home field of Scrapco, and with the Twins already in a hole, Minnesota would need a very good performance to have a chance at pushing the series to Game 3. They didn’t get it, as they struggled to generate any offense, posting a 4-1 final score. The Bombers weren’t worldbeaters, but they did well, winning 10-0 and taking the series as they did so. With the sweep, they move on to the second round.

Baltimore Bombers 12, Minnesota Twins 3

Red Phillies vs. Milwaukee Braves
Theme: Big boys with big bats

These two teams were similar in that they were both drafted with low speed and strong bats in mind. Beyond this, they diverged significantly; while the Red Phillies got to choose their home field and took the short fences and off-kilter surface of Playground Commons, the Milwaukee Braves were shoved into Sandy Flats and had to deal with deep outfields and surfaces that halt the ball. While the Red Phillies had the third-best offense in the Backyard Conference and averaged almost 20 runs per game, the Milwaukee Braves had the second-worst offense and averaged 5.5 runs per game exactly. And while the Red Phillies had the worst defense in the Backyard Conference (the only one that averaged over 20 runs given up per game), the Braves actually had a fairly-solid defense that ranked fourth in the Indoor Conference.

Game 1: Red Phillies at Milwaukee Braves (Sandy Flats)

As the only Backyard team in the Consolation Tournament, the Phillies were expected to romp–an expectation only furthered when they chose to give the Braves “home field advantage” and force them to play even more at Sandy Flats (a field that has absolutely wrecked them; they’ve been far better on the road than at home). Although this was kind of a jerk move, it was the right one for producing wins, and even though Sandy Flats held the Phillies to only 9 runs, it held the Braves to 3. The AIs couldn’t score either, but it didn’t matter, as the Red Phillies easily took the first game of the series and prepared for a home game at Playground Commons where they hoped to close things out.

Red Phillies 9, Milwaukee Braves 3

Game 2: Milwaukee Braves at Red Phillies (Playground Commons)

This one played out like a twice-as-offensive version of Game 1. As usual, Milwaukee fared better away from Sandy Flats, as the Braves put up 9 runs (but allowed three); unfortunately for them, the same applied to the Phillies, who won their match 19-2 in another blowout to move on to the next round of the Consolation Tournament.

Red Phillies 20, Milwaukee Braves 6

Boston Reds vs. Seattle Fishes
Theme: One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish

All of the other matchups had a special theme. This one didn’t; it’s just that these were the last two teams on offer, and they’d played well against each other. They were both in the Indoor Conference, they’d both finished with losing records (although the Seattle Fishes were a much stronger team, finishing 6-8 after starting 0-4 while the Boston Reds finished 3-11 after starting 0-5), and they both had a hard time really finding their footing. Besides that, it’s a coast-to-coast matchup. What else do you need?

Game 1: Boston Reds at Seattle Fishes (Playground Commons)

The Seattle Fishes chose to take home field advantage and play their first game at Playground Commons. Unfortunately for them, the weaker performances they’d had during the final few weeks of the season continued, as they only won 8-0. Meanwhile, the Boston Reds had a surprisingly strong performance, with head coach shrewsbury showing why he won the Consolation Tournament in Season 6 by putting up an 18-5 win. This gave the Boston Reds a surprising series lead as the series moved to the Paveway, where the Reds would have a chance to close it out at home.

Boston Reds 13, Seattle Fishes 9

Game 2: Seattle Fishes at Boston Reds (The Paveway)

Once again, the Boston Reds continued their good Consolation Tournament performances, as they won their side of the game 12-0. This put them in good position to take a win, but it would depend on how the Seattle performed. The Fishes continued to slump and only scored 9 runs, which would have been enough for the Reds to win; the Reds AI putting up 4 runs was just the cherry on top of the Fishes’ loss.

Boston Reds 14, Seattle Fishes 5

Super-Duper Melonheads vs. Humongous Hornets
Theme: Tank bowl!

This section opened with two of the best teams in the tournament. It’s only fitting that it closes with two of the worst. In one corner, from the Frontyard Conference, are the Humongous Hornets, whom despite seeming to have plenty of potential finished 4-10, constantly struggled, and found themselves falling short in some of their best efforts. In the other corner, from the Indoor Conference, are the Super-Duper Melonheads, who finished with the second-worst record in the league at 2-12 (the only worse team being the 1-13 Little Giants in the Frontyard Conference), the worst offense in the Indoor Conference, and the worst defense in the Indoor Conference. The question is which of these underachievers gets to move on to the next round.

Game 1: Super-Duper Melonheads at Humongous Hornets (Playground Commons)

The Hornets got to choose where they wanted to play their first game, and like most teams they chose to play at home. There, they put up a perfectly respectable 12-4 win and looked good as they did so. Unfortunately for them, the Melonheads offense seemingly woke up the instant the season ended, and the Super-Duper Melonheads had a better performance than any in the regular season, winning 14-0 and taking a 1-0 series lead with a chance to sweep their opposition when they returned home to La Chancla.

Super-Duper Melonheads 14, Humongous Hornets 10

Game 2: Humongous Hornets at Super-Duper Melonheads (Casa de Pablo)

Once they returned to La Chancla, however, the Melonheads’ offense fell asleep again, as they only put up 4 runs in a shutout win. The same issue didn’t quite plague the Melonheads AI, however. The Hornets led 4-1 entering the bottom of the sixth, but as their coach had no confidence in winning with that score, he put the order in to let the Melonheads tie the game in the hope of sparking a giant rally in extra innings. This was an interesting strategy, and was quite likely the Hornets’ best hope of winning, but unfortunately for them, the Melonheads AI was just a bit too good, as instead of only giving up 3 runs in the bottom of the sixth the Hornets gave up 4 and the Melonheads AI walked off with a win, thereby allowing the Super-Duper Melonheads to advance to the next level of the Consolation Tournament.

Super-Duper Melonheads 4, Humongous Hornets -1

PLAYOFFS

#2 Los Angeles Dodgers [hitace] (12-4) vs. #1 Arizona Diamondbacks (15-2)
#1 Junior Athletics [MelloMathTeacher] (13-3) vs. #2 Texas Rangers [Jyknight] (12-5)

CONSOLATION TOURNAMENT

Red Phillies vs. Super-Duper Melonheads
Boston Reds vs. Baltimore Bombers

ODE TO THE ELIMINATED

Four teams move on, which by necessity means four others must have fallen. Here are their eulogies: the good, the bad, the ugly, and the unfortunate.

Montana Floss
Coach: JorgesBankAccount
Record: 6-8 (4th place, Backyard Conference)
Preseason projections: 5-9 6th place (crazyei8hts), 7th place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

There’s a phrase that comes to mind when looking at this team: poorly constructed. Built entirely out of arms and speed, with bats totally neglected and gloves almost as much, this was a team that was supposed to hold scores down for their opponents. It did not succeed in that endeavor. Instead, the Floss had a middling defense, and while they had a surprisingly effective offense for their construction, Montana in all respects had the look of an also-ran from start to finish, and that’s what they ended up as. My advice for next season? Don’t go all-in on such a stupid draft concept.

Wizard Wombats
Coach: Wizard
Record: 9-5 (3rd place, Backyard Conference)
Preseason projections: 3-11 7th place (crazyei8hts), 8th place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

The Wombats went for all offense, no defense, and surprisingly…it worked. Their defense was passable if not fantastic, and for the first nine games of the season their offense was tremendous (of those nine games, they posted more than 20 runs in eight of them). And then it all fell apart for them when instead of scoring 20 runs or more on a regular basis, they started scoring between 12-16 runs–not exactly something you can expect to be competitive with in the Backyard Conference unless you’ve got a great defense. That was the case in the playoffs as well, as although they did have one strong game at Dirt Yards, they were otherwise middling. That makes the Wombats an interesting case when trying to analyze them, because in half the games they played they were incredibly tough to beat while in the other half they weren’t. The big issue with the Wombats is that they slumped at the end of the season, and that’s what ended up killing them. They just couldn’t keep up the pace; if they’d been able to do so (or even if they’d rallied to start the playoffs) they’d likely still be in the postseason.

Boston Cubs
Coach: KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS
Record: 10-4 (2nd place, Backyard Conference)
Preseason projections: 12-2 1st place (crazyei8hts), 4th place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS is known as an offensive guru, but you wouldn’t think that to look at his team this season. The Boston Cubs were built to be a tough-to-crack defense, and they did exactly that, producing the Backyard’s #1 defense with 12.8 runs allowed per game and only one game where they gave up 20 runs or more (Week 9, vs. the Purple Sox). The tradeoff for this was a weak offense, and the Cubs were the second-worst offense in the Backyard Conference, scoring only 13.7 runs per game and winning several close games on their way to a 10-4 record. That doesn’t change the fact that the Cubs were frustrating to get around, and they mostly shut down offense after offense as they just kept doing enough to win. Somehow, it seems rather fitting the manner in which they lost: two close games against another incredibly strong defense in the form of the Junior Athletics. There’s nothing the Cubs did wrong; they just happened to have their luck run out against an opponent that was built in a similar style and managed to scratch out a series win, and the Cubs can hold their heads high knowing that they were a good team but this just wasn’t their season.

Purple Sox
Coach: aesnop
Record: 11-3 (1st place, Backyard Conference)
Preseason projections: 10-4 2nd place (crazyei8hts), 1st place (Eauxps I. Fourgott)

What do you say about a team that does everything correctly and still falls short? Because that’s what happened with the Purple Sox this season. They were placed in the toughest conference and rose to the top. They broke the legendary 50-run barrier twice this season. They had the best offense in the league by almost 6 runs per game (Purple Sox: 28.7 runs per game, Wizard Wombats: 22.9 runs per game). Despite pursuing a pitch-to-contact strategy, they managed 8 shutouts. They only lost once through the final nine weeks of the season, and even in that game they put up 24 runs. They were the marriage of a great coach with a great team. They weren’t supposed to be anywhere near this list unless they faced the Diamondbacks in the second round. They were supposed to be in the World Series!

There’s been a running joke about aesnop being the Marty Schottenheimer of the league. He has great regular seasons, his teams look like world-beaters, and then they fall short in the playoffs. Thing about Schottenheimer? A lot of his playoff failures weren’t his fault. He was one stop on a 98-yard drive from reaching the Super Bowl, one goal-line fumble from forcing an AFC Championship game into overtime, one inopportune Joe Montana injury from putting up a fight against the early 90s Buffalo Bills, and one fourth-down-interception-fumbled-back-to-the-New-England-Patriots-in-the-fourth-quarter from making the Super Bowl. Some of Marty’s playoff failures can be blamed on his coaching, but a lot of them just boil down to bad luck.

Which brings us to aesnop. I don’t know about his previous experiences in the playoffs, but the way this season ended can’t really be blamed on him. Aesnop drafted an incredibly solid team, building a roster of arms, bats, and speed, with the only neglected area being pitching. It wasn’t just strong in visible stats, either; his roster was highly-rated in all of the invisible stats Vissery discovered (with the exception of stamina, which is heavily correlated with pitching ability). And what’d he do with his (as usual) impeccable draft? He backed it up with playing ability. It wasn’t just his offensive skills that were put to the test. Defensively, he thought about what he wanted to do to compensate for his poor pitching, and it worked. I might be opposed to the concept of “pitch to contact.” I might draw back from it in disgust and confusion. I might actively disdain and hate it. But it worked very, very, very well for aesnop, as he relied on his arms-heavy defense to keep the runs down while keeping stamina use on the mound low. His user-controlled defense only gave up 13 runs–third in the conference behind the Montana Floss and Green Monsters, and eighth in the league overall.

I don’t know how much more I can do to emphasize the simple fact that the Purple Sox were devastating. Their AI defense was solid, their AI offense was strong, their player-controlled defense was even stronger, and their player-controlled offense was on tornado-in-a-trailer-park levels of destruction. They were good at the start of the season, and untouchable at the end of the season, finishing on a six-game win streak. They were the team to beat.

The Dodgers were supposed to be just another bump in the road. Their weak-armed catcher was supposed to open up third base from the instant the game started, and that was supposed to allow the Purple Sox to rampage to at least one 50-burger. Instead, it was the Dodgers rampaging to a pair of consecutive 50s, mashing the ball at will and making it impossible for the Purple Sox to catch up. It’s not that the Purple Sox did poorly, either; 23 runs in two games would be enough to go at least 1-1 in most instances, and would quite often sweep the series. Instead, Los Angeles managed to slam the door on the Purple Sox before they even had a chance to make their case.

So what’s next for the Purple Sox? There’s really no answer to this question. They did everything right. Their strengths covered up their weaknesses. They were consistently strong through the regular season, and even improved as it went on. They didn’t fail in the playoffs due to poor performance, they didn’t lose because they were a bad team, they didn’t do anything wrong. Bad luck just fell on them at the worst time. If there’s an answer to how you fix that, well, I don’t know what it is. 

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

“I would love to see the Sox eat the Dodgers for lunch to be honest. ‘Catharsis’ would be the best way to describe it.” ­– MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on dreams that don’t come true

“Dodgers would roast the Purps. Of course, Aes vs Gretchen? Eek.” – Yurya, on the Dodgers/Purple Sox matchup

“The Purple Sox will take this one, probably quite easily.” – JorgesBankAccount, on the Dodgers/Purple Sox matchup

“One or more 50s from the Sox looks pretty likely here. Not going to be a pretty series.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, on the Dodgers/Purple Sox matchup

“I think playing an away game at Steele would be cool.” – hitace, Los Angeles Dodgers head coach, on playing the first round of the playoffs entirely at Steele Stadium

“Trophy or bust baybee.” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, on the Purple Sox’s ambitions

“You should really pick the Purple Sox to win it.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, Boston Cubs head coach, on whom he expects to win the World Series

“I’m ready to disappoint.” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, on self-confidence

“I’m shocked that aes picked himself in his series.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, Boston Cubs head coach, on aesnop’s prediction bracket

“Playoff Aes is able to make it to the second round.” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, on his coaching abilities

“I think Steele is slightly overrated as a hitters paradise.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, Boston Cubs head coach, on Steele Stadium

“Mercy rule please.” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, on the Los Angeles Dodgers posting a 59-0 score

“Suddenly I’m rethinking my preference for the Dodgers over the Purple Sox.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on why you should always be careful what you wish for

“If Dodgers win the World Series I never want to hear talks about how a strong catcher is the most important part of your draft because literally they have a bottom-tier-armed catcher and have been very dominant nearly all season.” – Vissery, former Humongous Hornets head coach, on the power of offense

“Hitace going to the World Series. Book it.” – Sisu, Arizona Diamondbacks head coach, on the power of offense

“This is the reverse of what I expected.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, on the Dodgers destroying the Purple Sox

“Think I’m retiring.” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, on being swept in the first round

“CAN ANYONE STOP THE DODGERS???” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, saying what we’re all thinking

“Playoffs Aes! Playoffs Aes! We all love playoffs Aes!” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, dancing on the Purple Sox’s grave

“The Wombats are back!” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, on the Wombats winning their first game against the Rangers

“Wombats scores through Week 9: 20+ in all but one game. Wombats scores after Week 9: 13, 13, 12, 16, 12. Wombats score in this game: 15. The Wombats aren’t back.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, expressing cynicism about the Wizard Wombats

“Yeah but this week they won.” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, on reality

“The Wombats in a slump score more than the Rangers in a slump. I’m interested to see what happens when the Wombats go to Dirt Yards.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, on the Wombats winning their first game against the Rangers.

“I am confident we will bounce back at home for Game 2.” – Jyknight, Texas Rangers head coach, on being on the brink of elimination

“Daily update: still no one but the team I flogged has scored 50 in the playoffs.” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach

“Seasons 6 and 7: 3 50s, all from Aesnop. First round, Season 7 playoffs: 3 50s, none from Aesnop. Nice job, Jy!” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on the Texas Rangers Game 2 score

“Wombats don’t like dirt.” – Yurya, Green Monsters head coach, on the Texas Rangers defeating the Wizard Wombats at Dirt Yards

“De Pablo Casa gives me PTSD.” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, on the Wizard Wombats home field of Casa de Pablo

“If all four Backyard teams lose, what happens to the division system next season?” – Vissery, raising an important question

“That’s a bold what-if to be making considering Wizard is winning.” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, on the in-game situation

“But will Wizard be winning in five minutes?” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on how quickly momentum can shift

“Pete on the house!” – Sisu, Arizona Diamondbacks head coach, on Pete Wheeler making the game-winning catch

“I’m scared for what you did to Randy.” – Sisu, Arizona Diamondbacks head coach, on the Montana Floss’s foul-heavy strategy

“I haven’t done anything to the big boy. Yet.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on making threats

“Gotta get by the Floss first.” – Sisu, Arizona Diamondbacks head coach, on a possible future series against the Los Angeles Dodgers

“Never have a slow first baseman. I got so lucky.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on winning Game 1 against the Arizona Diamondbacks

“Gotta rebound for Game 2 at the Farm!” – Sisu, Arizona Diamondbacks head coach, on returning to Dubois Diamond

“As previously stated: Diamondbacks to beat the spread.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, in a rare moment of optimism

“I have to be in the right mindset to play at Sandy.” – Sisu, Arizona Diamondbacks head coach, on winning Game 2 and playing at Sandy Flats again

“Dude they lost by one run for the like sixth time.” – Aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, on the Montana Floss barely losing in Game 3

“I’M GOING TO THE CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES!” – Sisu, on winning his first playoff series

“Tina managed to keep her streak of making playoffs every year since her debut yet somehow winning zero series. A masterclass of consistency.” – Vissery, on Montana Floss member Tina Herrara

“The runs against me were all from homers down the alleyway. It was painful.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, Boston Cubs head coach, on giving up runs at home

“Two of three of mine were the same.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, commiserating with KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS

“I expected the As to struggle more against the Cubs defense.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, on the Junior Athletics winning Game 1

“It’s ironclad. Very, very tough. Some lucky drops and a very lucky homer from Todd.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on the Boston Cubs defense

“Todd Xavier looking good boys.” – Vissery, on Junior Athletics starting pitcher Todd Xavier

“Toddfather is easily player of the game. You had to see it to believe it. I don’t care that Todd gave up three runs, or that Wendy hit two homers, Todd is indisputably the player of the game.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on Todd Xavier’s Game 1 performance

“And the Athletics do the impossible and take the game and the series! 2-0! That’s both Frontyard teams sweeping the top two teams! In the Backyard! Purple Sox: done! Cubs: done! I don’t believe it. I don’t think anyone believes it, I don’t think Mello believes it! I think Mello might’ve just passed out!” – Sisu, Arizona Diamondbacks head coach and Matchup Of The Week commentator, amazed by the Athletics hanging on to win

“TODD! [Censored]! XAVIER! IS THE TODD! [Censored]! SAVIOR!” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, rooting for the Junior Athletics

“Todd Xavier the protagonist of this series.” – Vissery, on postseason storylines

“You got your wish. Xavier the Savior is Series MVP.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach and writer of recaps, to MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on Todd Xavier’s first-round performances

“The Cement Gardens homers they hit off me just angered me to no end. It makes no sense whatsoever that the ump rules them homers even though they were clearly grounders. I guess I took that energy through the rest of the series to do what I did. When I hit that line drive in Cement, I knew that if the ump was going to call things evenly, that it’d be a homer. I don’t think I’d have tried for that if they didn’t hit those on me before. Game 2, I just had to step up myself since I couldn’t rely on those kinds of weird calls. My arm is absolute Jell-O right now, I’m absolutely exhausted, but I’m so thankful it was enough. We’re on to Big City, where my brother played once when he was my age. My teammates had my back, like they did all season. I thank them with all my heart. I couldn’t be more proud of them.” – Todd Xavier, Junior Athletics starting pitcher, on being the Series MVP

“Awwwww, Todd! We’re so proud of you! Everyone, be gentle, but…GET HIM!” – Courtney Valentino, rallying the Junior Athletics to dogpile on Todd Xavier

“Boston in shambles.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, on the Boston Cubs being swept almost exactly a week after the Purple Sox were swept

“Boston and Boston-related teams are not having fun.” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, on the Boston Cubs being swept almost exactly a week after the Purple Sox were swept

“The Boston Reds are doing great.” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, looking towards the consolation tournament alongside the rest of New England

“Go Yankees!” – hitace, Los Angeles Dodgers head coach, on the New York Yankees

“This is the first positive thing said about the Yankees in my time here. I teared up a little.” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, on encouragement

“Everyone sucks, give the win to the Yankees.” – Vissery, on the Junior Athletics upsetting the Boston Cubs

“I agree with Vissery. Go Yankees!” – hitace, on the possibility of the New York Yankees being just handed a championship

“Wow. Backyard: Eliminated.” – jlund24, former Baltimore Bombers head coach, on all four Backyard Conference playoff teams losing in the first round

“I think the Athletics had the strongest defense I had to play this year. There were no holes.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, Boston Cubs head coach, experiencing shell shock

“YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Those were two of the craziest games I’ve seen in my LIIIIIIIFE! The kids were dialed in, they played with such amazing guts against one of the best teams in the league, and it paid off! I’m so happy for them, and I’m so happy for Coach Mello. With how hard he’s worked, he deserves it all. I think he’s still recovering from the shock of this upset. They’re gonna enjoy their ice cream, they’re gonna party tonight, and I hope they soak it all in. Big City Stadium! I wonder how many of them dreamed to play there… I certainly did as a child. I wonder how Coach Mello celebrates this one. He’s never been one for big-time celebrations. Sometimes he needs to just let loose, like his kids do!” – FelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics assistant coach, on the Junior Athletics upsetting the Boston Cubs

“I just refuse to believe that the Frontyard teams could beat the Backyard teams.” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, experiencing shell shock and denying reality

“Clearly Backyard is not as good as they thought they were.” – Vissery, on all the Backyard Conference teams losing in the first round

“You did good, rookie.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, to MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach

“Is this actually happening? Is it, really? Did we actually manage to pull this off? Good Lord, dude. I racked my brain for hours trying to figure something out for this series. To be honest, I couldn’t really come up with much. They’re just so good defensively over much of the field. This win was less on me and much more on the kids executing. We had some strategies going in, we knew what we shouldn’t do against them and did a generally good job of avoiding that. But the kids were the ones who placed hits well, played solid defense, and the bounces went their way. This series was two bad breaks or mental mistakes from going 2-0 the other way. All the credit in the world to KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS and the Cubs for their hard work all year. Cubs probably win seven or eight series if we played ten of them, if I’m being frank. But only one of them counts, and this was the one. I’m so happy for my A’s right now. Even if they dunked me in Gatorade.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, experiencing shell shock and respecting the coach on the other side

“Aesnop and KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS are the two best players in the world. How did they lose to anybody?” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, continuing to experience shell shock

“You could argue that I was the only one who was right but I also was a fake coach. Management is currently having to deal with the whereabouts of Terry Vega. Meanwhile I’ve already stolen all the money…I’m halfway to Mexico by now, they’ll never find me.” – Vissery, on embezzlement

“Gator Flats was my favorite in 2005.” – hitace, Los Angeles Dodgers head coach, on favorite fields

“Love the swamp. It’s got a great aura.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on being a slimy muck-dweller

“I only put Terry in the woods so he’ll probably be found eventually.” – Vissery, on inadequately hiding a body

“You’re going to prison bro.” – Repub92, current Baltimore Bombers head coach, on inadequately hiding a body

“Just a reminder that the Yankees beat the [censored] out of these same Dodgers you’re talking about.” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, on the Los Angeles Dodgers

“That Dodgers loss vs. the Yankees influenced so much.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on playing the Boston Cubs instead of the Purple Sox

“Man it’s too bad for the Cubs that we got the As instead of the Dodgers.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, Boston Cubs head coach, on regrets

“And vice versa. We both ran into the worst team we could’ve played.” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, on regrets

“I’m more bewildered than enthralled at my upset win.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, experiencing shell shock

“Has ei8hts gone soft?” – Yurya, Green Monsters head coach, on Red Phillies head coach crazyei8hts

“I’ll have you know that crazy is as hard as it gets! But only for his wife, whom he loves dearly.” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on marriage (true love)

“Daft Punk is the only reason TRON: Legacy was worth making.” – jlund24, former Baltimore Bombers head coach, on the entertainment industry

“Why must reality constantly get in the way of my crappy jokes?” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, on writing recaps

“Chicks dig the long ball.” – Sisu, Arizona Diamondbacks head coach, on picking up women

“What is the significance of the giraffe?” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, getting philosophical

“Wow crazyei8hts, so ‘nice’ of you to make me play at Sandy again.” – Natetastic, Milwaukee Braves head coach, less than thrilled at having to play at Sandy Flats again

“Playing on Dirt Yards makes for an interesting game to say the least. Good luck Toast.” – Repub92, current Baltimore Bombers head coach, on playing the Minnesota Twins at Dirt Yards

“Bombers are a force to be reckoned with!” – Jyknight, Texas Rangers head coach, on the Baltimore Bombers winning their series against the Minnesota Twins in the consolation tournament

“I’m kinda hype for this Melons-Hornets series.” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, on being kinda hype for the consolation series between the Super-Duper Melonheads and Humongous Hornets

“They can’t both lose!” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, on the consolation series between the Super-Duper Melonheads and Humongous Hornets

“Shout out Melonheads for beating the Hornets.” – Marco, New York Yankees head coach, looking at the consolation tournament

“Never bet against the Melonheads in the opening round of the postseason. 5-for-5 now.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, on the Melonheads tendency to win the first game (or series) of either the consolation bracket or the playoffs

“If I recall correctly, I lost to the Fishes this season. Let’s go Reds!” – Repub92, current Baltimore Bombers head coach, on rooting interests

“Nice one shrewsbury!” – elchrisblanco, Seattle Fishes head coach, showing good sportsmanship over losing Game 1 of the consolation bracket to the Boston Reds

“Consolation Shrew is a thing I think.” – aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, on Boston Reds head coach shrewsbury’s abilities in consolation tournaments

“Shrewsbury and consolation tournaments. Name a better duo.” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach, on shrewsbury’s teams’ tendency to do well in the consolation tournament

“Hitace was actually me with a mustache and plastic nose.” – Vissery, on sockpuppeting

“Am I a joke to you?” – Aesnop, Purple Sox head coach, asking a question he really doesn’t want answered

“Quit calling out my poor decisions!” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach, to Vissery

“I’m gagging and vomiting at the same time. I’m–I’m gavomiting.” – Dr. Cox, Scrubs, on how well the Backyard teams performed in the first round

“Those sure are some great quotes from me.” – KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS, Boston Cubs head coach, on being quoted