We’re getting closer and closer to the All-Star Break; it’s only a week away. Even as midseason draws near, though, there’s plenty of drama, ranging from an unexpectedly fantastic Matchup Of The Week, a computer crash in Los Angeles, and the Backyard Conference turning into the land of blowouts (with one exception). Also, there’s toenail clippers.

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK

Super-Duper Melonheads vs. Boston Reds

This match was…not between two great teams, to put it gently. Combined, the Melonheads and the Reds had one win between them, with the Melonheads having only beaten the Fishes in Week 4 and the Reds winless on the season. That doesn’t meant that it was an uneven matchup; in fact, if anything, it was one of the more well-balanced matchups so far this season. Still, neither team is doing particularly well this season, for easily explainable reasons. The problem for the Melonheads is that they have a fairly weak defense and are having trouble at the plate, in some games being unable to make contact regularly and in other games being unable to capitalize on their opportunities with runners on base. Although the Reds defense isn’t incredible, it’s reasonably strong; the problem for Boston has been offensive production, as they only eclipsed a run differential of 5 in one game. Naturally, it was expected that this would be one of the lower-scoring MOTWs going into the game.

The Melonheads struck first, putting a couple runners on base on infield grounders that the pitcher was unable to field and then scoring a run after a passed ball up the left field line on a steal attempt and then scoring again on a fielder’s choice. The Reds fought back in the bottom of the inning, as they got a run to cut the Melonheads lead to 1, but the AI Melonheads hit a 2-run homer in the top of the 2nd to extend the Melonheads lead despite Eauxps being shut down in the top of the 2nd. In the bottom of the 2nd, though, the Reds got a grand slam, and took a presumptive 4-2 lead off of it. The Melonheads made the game closer with an Angela solo shot to start the 3rd, and then proceeded to load the bases. Unfortunately, they then proceeded to hit into three straight outs and score no runs, and although the Reds were shut down in the bottom of the 3rd, the Melonheads were also held off the board in the top of the 4th. The game would remain 4-3 until the bottom of the 5th, when Peggy Hefferman of the Reds hit a two-run homer to extend their lead to 6-3. In the top of the 6th, the Melonheads put two runners on before advancing them to second and third off of what was essentially a sacrifice fly from Angela Delvecchio. After a lineout, they proceeded to score two runs off of an error made by Bobby Higginson, and then Fernando Diaz managed to score Stephanie Morgan from second when a pop fly dropped between two fielders for a single. After a flub throw put runners on first and second, Tony Delvecchio came up to bat with the game on the line and hit the ball to right field, where it was caught for the final out.

Boston Reds 6.4, Super-Duper Melonheads 6

Next week’s game: Arizona Diamondbacks vs. Texas Rangers

Flex scheduling kicks in for the first time, as the last two undefeated teams left in the league meet in the last Matchup Of The Week before the All-Star Break! Originally, the game scheduled was the match between the Minnesota Twins and Humongous Hornets in the Frontyard Conference, but in the face of pressure from several quarters (including Hornets coach Vissery, who thought this would be a better match), the showrunners decided the heck with it, we’re going with the most interesting game of the week (possibly the season). Tune in Saturday, July 31st, for the Matchup Of The Week, starring Sisu’s Arizona Diamondbacks and Jyknight’s Texas Rangers!

Player of the game: Stephanie Morgan may have been on the losing side, but she had a very solid game, going 4-for-4 with three singles and a double, notching 2 RBIs, and scoring once herself. Also, she’s thinking of changing her brand of bubble gum to see if that helps get her team out of its slump; stay tuned to see whether it works.

FRONTYARD CONFERENCE

New York Yankees 9, Humongous Hornets 5

The Hornets continued to be good but not good enough as the Yankees got their fourth win of the season and drew closer to breaking their streak of 4-10 finishes. This time, the problem for the Hornets was their defense, as while they managed to score 9 runs off of 22 hits, they also gave up 4 runs on 6 hits at Tin Can Alley. Meanwhile, the Yankees continued to roll, as they scored 8 runs on 19 hits and a walk and threw a 1-hit shutout.

Player of the game: Tom Glass was incredible on the mound, going the distance while allowing only one hit and tossing 9 strikeouts. This performance was good enough to make him the PITCHER OF THE WEEK! Plus, he wasn’t exactly a liability on offense, as he went 2-for-3 with a pair of singles and a strikeout.

Junior Athletics 14, Tampa Bay Devil Rays -2

After a couple of disappointing outings, the Athletics bounced back at home with an absolute walloping of Tampa Bay. They were unstoppable, putting up 12 runs with the help of 18 hits and 2 walks, and shutting down the opposing offense. But what of the Devil Rays, you may ask? Well, I don’t have statistics for them, but they lost 2-0. The Athletics continue to be near the top of the Frontyard Conference, and the Devil Rays now sit at 3-3.

Player of the game: Courtney Valentino was a terror on the basepaths, going 4-for-4 with three singles and a double, stealing a trio of bases, and scoring every time she came up to bat. She’s also into gymnastics, and enjoys cheering on her team whenever she’s not on the field.

Florida Marlins 8, Little Giants 7

All of the Marlins wins so far have been close games, and this was no exception, as they just barely scraped together a home win against the Little Giants. The Giants have gotten their offense running reasonably well, with their second good game in a row, as they scored 7 runs off of 17 hits in a shutout game. Unfortunately for them, the Marlins did just a little better, scoring 8 runs off of 18 hits and getting an 8-1 win. The home bonus would end up being the deciding factor, and the Marlins would snatch their third win of the season.

Player of the game: Matessa Sturges of the Marlins was invaluable to her team, as she went 3-for-4 with two singles and a home run, finishing with 3 RBIs and scoring twice. She also pitched the entire game, allowing only 6 hits and a run while throwing 9 strikeouts. Was she the biggest factor in the Marlins win? Yes.

Minnesota Twins 33, Los Angeles Dodgers 29

Who predicted that the second-highest combined score would come from the Frontyard? It wasn’t me, but perhaps it should’ve been, as these two teams absolutely exploded. The result was delayed until Monday due to hitace undergoing some computer troubles, but it didn’t seem to hurt in the end, as the Dodgers put up their best score yet. The Twins won their game 29-1, putting up those runs on 39 hits and a walk, with a massive 14 stolen bases (5 of them from Jordan Thorner). Meanwhile, the Dodgers scored almost exactly as much, putting up 29 runs off of 39 hits and 3 walks while letting Albert Pujols handle pitching duties (which he did with aplomb, throwing 86 pitches, allowing 4 hits–and throwing the most strikeouts of the week, with 13). In the end, the home bonus made the difference, and the Twins took the win and first place in the Frontyard Conference.

Player of the game: The Dodgers may have lost, but Leah Wayne was an absolute monster for them, going 7-for-7 with a double, an astonishing three triples, and 3–count ’em, 3–home runs. She scored 5 times and had 15 RBIs, and was the Frontyard Conference’s BATTER OF THE WEEK!

INDOOR CONFERENCE

Texas Rangers 11, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angles Association 9

One of the two undefeated teams in the Indoor Conference stayed alive in this one as the Angels had a rare, low-scoring stumble. Neither team was particularly overwhelming in this one, as the Angels had 8 runs off of 14 hits and 2 walks and the Rangers had 11 runs off of 20 hits and no walks. Still, the Rangers were clearly the better team, and they kept themselves undefeated and will clash with the other undefeated team in Week 7.

Player of the game: Pete Wheeler went 3-for-4 with a single, a triple, and a home run. He contributed 5 RBIs and scored twice. Also, he can run. Real fast.

Arizona Diamondbacks 23, Seattle Fishes 7

One of the two undefeated teams in the Indoor Conference stayed alive in this one as Jay Green continued his absolute dominance of the league. It was perhaps a bad day for the Fishes, as after posting their best score a week before they fell back down to their normal output, with an 8-1 road win where they only managed 13 hits. As for the Diamondbacks, it was once again a dominant offensive performance, as Arizona scored 21 runs off of 23 hits and a walk (talk about efficiency!). The Indoor Conference is now decisively dominated by the haves and the have-nots, as there are two undefeated teams at the top and three 1-5 teams at the bottom.

Player of the game: Jay Green had an off day by his standards. He still went 4-for-4, but two of those hits were singles (gasp!), leaving him with only two home runs (double gasp!). He also had a paltry 5 RBIs (triple gasp!) and although he scored every time he came up to bat and actually managed to steal two bases, this was, shall we say, underwhelming compared to his usual performances. He was still named the Indoor Conference’s BATTER OF THE WEEK!

Baltimore Bombers 3, Milwaukee Braves 2

The Braves have lived and died off of their defense. Actually, that’s not quite accurate; their defense has mostly held up this season. The question is whether their offense can do well enough to take advantage of that. Sadly, the answer has mostly been no, and so it was in this game. The Bombers were held to only 3 runs and 9 hits at Sandy Flats, both because of the field’s defensive orientation and the Braves strong defense, but the Braves weren’t able to capitalize on their defense’s performance, as they only managed 2 runs and 4 hits. To add insult to injury, those two runs came off of homers; if they could’ve timed their hits just a bit better, they would’ve won.

Player of the game: In a game like this, it’s no surprise that the best player was a pitcher. So it was for the Bombers, as Nancy Chin threw a perfect game and was named the Indoor Conference’s PITCHER OF THE WEEK!

BACKYARD CONFERENCE

Boston Cubs 14.4, Wizard Wombats 14

Both Boston teams won this week, both by the home bonus, both by 2/5 of a run. What? If that wasn’t weird enough, both teams had their results revealed on the same night, and both teams play on cement fields. Anyway, the Wombats fell short for the second time in three weeks; the first time, the Purple Sox outscored them in an offensive battle at Casa De Pablo, while this time the Cubs disturbingly strong defense kept the Wombats down just enough for Boston to win. Offensively, the Wombats were held to 14 runs off of 22 hits and a walk, while defensively they shut out the Cubs AI; on the other end, the Cubs managed to scrape together 12 runs from 27 hits while throwing a 3-hit shutout. Boston escapes with the win, and now 3 teams are the top of the Backyard Conference at 4-2 apiece: the Boston Cubs, the Wizard Wombats, and the Purple Sox.

Player of the game: Susan Gore of the Cubs had a pretty good day. She went 4-for-4 with 2 singles and 2 doubles, had 3 RBIs, and scored thrice herself. She also likes Cap’n Crunch cereal for breakfast.

Purple Sox 46, Red Phillies 17

And now, the blowouts in the Backyard Conference begin. The Phillies put up a good fight at home, managing a 15-1 win off of 22 hits and 2 walks. Unfortunately, this wasn’t good enough to compete with the Purple Sox’s grounderball, as they feasted on the Phillies slow defense to the tune of 57 hits and 48 runs while allowing 2 Phillies scores. The Purple Sox ran away with the game, and now sit tied for the top of the Backyard Conference with the Cubs and Wombats.

Player of the game: Surprisingly enough, the Purple Sox’s best batter wasn’t Kay O’Toole. In this game, it was leadoff batter Marilyn McDonnell, who went 9-for-9 with 3 singles and an astonishing 6 doubles. She scored 7 times, had 5 RBIs, and stole two bases. Also, she has a pet iguana named Sparky, who likes sunbathing and various grasses.

Junior Brewers 38, Baltimore Orioles 1

Another blowout, this time from the Brewers, who had their biggest game yet. They were absolutely dominant at The Paveway, as they scored 38 runs off of 49 hits in a shutout win. Meanwhile, the Orioles continued to struggle, only managing to get 3 runs and a meager 5 hits while giving up 2 runs defensively. The Brewers continue to be an up-and-down team and sit at .500, and the Orioles now lag behind everyone else in their conference.

Player of the game: Would you believe the best player in this game was on the Orioles? No? Then you’d be right, as Parker Collum of the Brewers listened to his favorite trumpet player before going out and going 6-for-7 with a single, two doubles, and 3–count ’em, 3–home runs. Final tally? 10 RBIs, scored every time he got on base, and stole a base to boot. Also included in this final tally? Being named the Backyard Conference’s BATTER OF THE WEEK!

Montana Floss 24, Green Monsters 11

This was the biggest surprise of the week, as the Montana Floss upset the Green Monsters at home at Sandy Flats. The Monsters were coming off their best game of the season and were expected to keep that momentum rolling, but they saw their score and hits fall in this game, with 11 runs off of 16 hits. Meanwhile, the Floss had their biggest day on the season, on a very efficient 20-run, 25-hit performance. Even a 5-strikeout, 37-pitch perfect game from Yvonne Carter wasn’t enough to save the Monsters, although it did get Yvonne Carter named the Backyard Conference’s PITCHER OF THE WEEK!

Player of the game: Jeff Bagwell of the Floss was absolutely mashing in this one, going 3-for-4 with a pair of doubles, a home run, and a walk. He scored thrice and led the team in RBIs with 8.

STANDINGS

Backyard Conference
Wizard Wombats [Wizard] (4-2)
Boston Cubs [KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS] (4-2)
Purple Sox [aesnop] (4-2)
Red Phillies [crazyei8hts] (3-3)
Junior Brewers [jibbodahibbo] (3-3)
Green Monsters [Yurya] (2-4)
Montana Floss [JorgesBankAccount] (3-3)
Baltimore Orioles [Mavfatha] (1-5)

Indoor Conference
Arizona Diamondbacks [Sisu] (6-0)
Texas Rangers [Jyknight] (6-0)
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angles Association [JOMAR] (4-2)
Baltimore Bombers [jlund] (3-3)
Milwaukee Braves [Natetastic] (2-4)
Boston Reds [shrewsberry] (1-5)
Super-Duper Melonheads [Eauxps I. Fourgott] (1-5)
Seattle Fishes [elchrisblanco] (1-5)

Frontyard Conference
Minnesota Twins [Toast] (5-1)
Los Angeles Dodgers [hitace] (4-2)
New York Yankees [Marco] (4-2)
Junior Athletics [MelloMathTeacher] (4-2)
Tampa Bay Devil Rays [T-Boz] (3-3)
Florida Marlins [skolgamingnetwork] (3-3)
Little Giants [SilverBullet102] (1-5)
Humongous Hornets [Vissery] (0-6)

JYKNIGHT’S POWER RANKINGS

Jyknight was feeling lazy this week. Also, he’s in Week 7’s Matchup Of The Week, so there’s that to deal with. And for some reason, he’s interested in the Olympics, which just…why? Whatever. JYKNIGHT’S WEEK 6 POWER RANKINGS!

Key: Ranking.: Team (previous week’s ranking) Record: Explanation

FRONTYARD CONFERENCE

1.: Minnesota Twins (3) 5-1: Not sure. They’re is number one if they win against the Dodgers (they did).

2.: Los Angeles Dodgers (1) 4-1: Not sure. They’re number one if they win against the Twins (they didn’t).

3.: Junior Athletics (3) 4-2: Mello with another 14 bomb! Scores like this will see him in serious contention for a playoff spot.

4.: New York Yankees (4) 4-2: Solid outing from Marco here. Can the Yankees actually squeak in?

5.: Florida Marlins (6) 3-3: Skol with another solid performance as well. Has he learned the power of sprinting?

6.: Tampa Bay Devil Rays (5) 3-3: Just scores all over the place. Inconsistency like this will have Boz on the outside looking in all season.

7.: Little Giants (7) 1-5: We prayed for runs. We got runs. Just barely wasn’t enough though. But hey! This guy is getting the hang of it! You love to see it.

8.: Humongous Hornets (8) 0-6: Vis no. Why you do. More runs and win. I do think this team is super solid, just catching all of the bad breaks. The Hornets have always been a second-half team anyways. [Editor’s note: since when?]

INDOOR CONFERENCE

1.: Arizona Diamondbacks (1) 6-0: Jay Green continues to stay hot. As long as he mashes, this team will remain #1. Simple as that.

2.: Texas Rangers (2) 6-0: Just have to keep putting up runs and winning. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha [Editor’s note: I find this becomes creepier if you imagine him just saying “ha” over and over with no inflection whatsoever, like an unamused, possibly homicidal robot.] hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

3.: Baltimore Bombers (4) 3-3: Lund squeaks by this week! Lund seems to have lost his grounder and stealing prowess over these past two weeks. Here’s to hoping he gets it back.

4.: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angels Association (3) 4-2: Sounds like burnout is rearing its ugly head here as well as some other things. Get well soon Nate. ❤

5.: Milwaukee Braves (5) 2-4: Nate continues to struggle to score. One-run loss to the Bombers here. Hopefully he can get it figured out soon. Let Shohei eat!!!

6.: Seattle Fishes (6) 1-5: 7 runs isn’t bad at all! Just ran into the brick wall that is Jay Green. The Fishes are 5th in scoring in the Indoor, just getting unlucky with opponents’ scores. I think he finds more success in the second half.

7.: Boston Reds (8) 1-5: FIRST WIN! LET’S GOO. Shrews needs to keep putting up that 8 spot and higher and he’ll be fine! The defense is stout, just needs runs.

8.: Super-Duper Melonheads (7) 1-5: What a devastating loss for these kids. BUT. Good news is that I think Melon streams are back!! Which nets him the streamer bonus. [Editor’s note: the streamer bonus conveys no competitive advantage.]

BACKYARD CONFERENCE

1.: Purple Sox (2) 4-2: Absolutely dominating performance from Aes this week sends him back to the top. I think he’ll stay top 2 the whole season. Most runs per game will do that.

2.: Boston Cubs (3) 4-2: I undervalued this defense. I admit it. I didn’t think that a defense could carry a team in this conference. I was wrong. If KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS can keep up the 15ish runs and his defense continues to hold up, he’ll coast into the playoffs.

3.: Wizard Wombats (1) 4-2: Never thought I’d say this about this team but they were shut down this week by the Cubs. I think this will only happen twice this year to this team only because Wiz has to play them twice this season. The train will keep rolling next week.

4.: Junior Brewers (6) 3-3: Who is this man!! The scores have been massive. I’m hyped. Top 3 power rank incoming if he scores another 30 and takes out the Sox. Wait. He might be top 2 if he beats the Sox. This will be a good game!

5.: Red Phillies (4) 3-3: Crazy’s slow defense was manipulated easily by the Grounder God Aesnop this week. It happens. Nothing you can do about it. 17 runs isn’t bad but we all know Crazy can do better. It’s tight up here! The playoff race will be fun!

6.: Green Monsters (5) 2-4: I just really like this Monsters team okay? I’m very sorry JBA. [Editor’s note: no you’re not.] GET THE SECRET WEAPON GOING YURYA. [Editor’s note: he’s not referring to Pablo Sanchez, he’s referring to the commissioner’s secret stockpile of nukes.] I think that’ll be this team’s key to a successful second half.

7.: Montana Floss (7) 3-3: If the Floss win next week, I’ll eat a sock and stop underrating good defenses. I swear. Also 24 at Sandy is no joke! I’m definitely underrating this team. [Editor’s note: no you’re not.]

8.: Baltimore Orioles (8) 1-5: Billy Jean stinks and is the sole reason for this team’s successful first half. Let Davy carry this team more and let’s get Shawn hot. A win in Week 7 could gain this team some momentum.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

“WHY DO THINGS ON MY DESK DISAPPEAR SO OFTEN? WHERE ARE MY TOENAIL CLIPPERS? AAAAAAA!!!” – Vissery, Humongous Hornets head coach, trying to find his toenail clippers

“Ever since the league started releasing everyone’s physicals, Coach Mello really ramped up the strategy sessions and targeted practice sessions. He’s been very serious about it. I felt myself losing a bit of the fun of the game. We were very unlucky the past two weeks, and the strategies didn’t work because the teams we prepared for weren’t the teams we faced. So then this week he said ‘Leave the strategy to me and Nan, follow our signals, and the rest of you just go have fun.’ Very light on strategic discussion, and we had a great time! I’m glad he’s ‘mellowed out,’ so to speak.” – Courtney Valentino, Junior Athletics, on strategy

“I found another pair but they’re sticky for some reason even though they’ve been in my desk drawer.” – Vissery, Humongous Hornets head coach, updating us on the toenail clippers situation

“Holy CRAP that guy is lanky and awkward-looking.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on Richie Sexson

“I love my teammates and I love my coach! He just wants us to grow up as best we can, but making sure everyone’s having fun is super important too!” – Courtney Valentino, Junior Athletics, on being part of the Junior Athletics

“Did a jelly monster come into my room to cut its toenails?” – Vissery, Humongous Hornets head coach, proposing an explanation for his sticky toenail clippers

“Hey, coach! You’re the best!” – Courtney Valentino, Junior Athletics, hugging her coach

“The worst is asking for Dr Pepper and a restaurant saying they have it and then serving you Cherry Pepsi.” – Yurya, Green Monsters head coach, on ordering soda at a restaurant

“How did I hit that grand slam? Entirely by accident. I was going for a line drive. What made it happen? All I can say is WOMP BA DO NI MA, DO LOMP BOMP BOMP!” – Ray Tran, misquoting Little Richard

“Like a werewolf?” – JorgesBankAccount, Montana Floss head coach

“Thanks for reminding me of what’s important…for the hundredth time. You can let go now.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on being hugged

“Of course after using the weird sticky one I find the good one.” – Vissery, Humongous Hornets head coach, finding a good pair of toenail clippers

“THERE’S A TREE IN MY PATH!” – Todd, Todd & the Book of Pure Evil, on learning to drive