With Week 5 in the books, we’re now officially more than a third of the way through the regular season! Not that it’s really plausible to be only a third at the end of a week when there’s 14 weeks; turns out that 14 • 2 is a horrible factorial for even divisions that aren’t sevenths or halves. (Incidentally, there was a point at which the season was exactly a third of the way done. It happened when 16 games had been submitted for Week 5.) But this isn’t about math, it’s about baseball! Backyard baseball. Let’s get into it.

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK

Minnesota Twins vs. Florida Marlins

The Matchup Of The Week moved to the Frontyard for the first time in Week 5, with a matchup between the 3-1 Minnesota Twins and the 2-2 Florida Marlins. The Twins were riding a 3-game win streak; after a disappointing 2-run output against the Yankees in Week One where the Yankees blew them out, the Twins gained momentum and won their next three, putting them in a four-way tie for first place in the Frontyard Conference alongside the Los Angeles Dodgers, New York Yankees, and Junior Athletics. Meanwhile, the Florida Marlins proved tough to track; in Week 1 and Week 3 they won very close matches, but their offensive output was fairly decent, with their opponents having games that were also good but not quite good enough, in Week 4 they had a decent score of 7 that wasn’t enough to topple the Yankees, and in Week 2 they were absolutely massacred by the Junior Athletics in the Athletics’ biggest win of the year. Naturally, it was expected that the Twins would put up a good performance; the question was whether the Marlins would be able to do the same.

The answer was “not really.” The game started slowly, but in the top of the 3rd Florida allowed a home run to the AI version of the Minnesota Twins, putting them down by two since the player-controlled Twins had scored a run earlier. This lead was only extended when Maya Woodruff slammed a home run just over the tall chain-link fence in right to give Minnesota a 5-run lead, and then just a little while later Fabienne Callahan followed it up with a 2-run homer (also to right) to put the Twins up by 7. While the Marlins did threaten to start coming back in the bottom of the inning with runners on first and second, problems arose when both of those runners were thrown out while trying to steal, and the inning ended without them scoring any runs. The Twins extended their lead by 3 in the top of the 4th, and while the Marlins finally managed to get out of the negatives in the bottom of the inning with a 2-run homer, the Twins still led 9-1 at the end of the fourth. Although the Marlins rallied in the bottom of the fifth and scored 4 runs to make the score a presumptive 9-6, they couldn’t completely catch up, and the Twins added another 3 unnecessary runs in the top of the sixth as they won 12-6.

Minnesota Twins 12, Florida Marlins 6

Next week’s game: Super-Duper Melonheads vs. Boston Reds

Player of the game: After the game, Toast named Fabienne Callahan his player of the game for going 3-for-4 with a single, two home runs, a team-leading 4 RBIs, and two scores herself. While Fabienne was a worthy candidate, I’d personally choose Julie Dunkel–not quite as effective on offense, going only 2-for-4 with two home runs and one fewer RBI, but great on the mound, throwing a shutout with five strikeouts and six hits allowed.

FRONTYARD CONFERENCE

Los Angeles Dodgers 4.8, Junior Athletics 4

After the first AI loss this season, the Athletics were looking to bounce back against the Dodgers. Of course, this wasn’t going to be easy, seeing as the Dodgers were constantly putting up huge scores, but the Athletics were at least going to give it a shot, and they came very, very, very close. The Junior Athletics were at the very least competent at Steele Stadium, putting up a score of 5-1 off of 9 hits while only allowing two hits from the Dodgers AI. Meanwhile, the Dodgers struggled against the Athletics AI, only managing 4 hits and a walk as they won 4-0. Unfortunately for the Athletics, the Dodgers were at home, which gave them a home bonus of–in this case–4/5 of a run…and an incredibly close win.

Player of the game: For the second time this season and the first time in the Frontyard Conference, the BATTER OF THE WEEK and the PITCHER OF THE WEEK appeared in the same game facing off against each other. Naturally, it’s hard to choose a superior player, especially in a game as close as this, so Wendy Parson of the Athletics and Leah Wayne of the Dodgers will just have to share. Wendy Parson was the Frontyard Conference’s BATTER OF THE WEEK, going 3-for-3 with a single and two home runs that brought home four runs; she also scored thrice, meaning she had a hand in every single run the Athletics got. Meanwhile, an apparently nerfed Leah Wayne was the Frontyard Conference’s PITCHER OF THE WEEK, pitching a shutout where she only allowed one hit and got 9 strikeouts (but went 0-for-2 while striking out once offensively).

Tampa Bay Devil Rays 7, New York Yankees 2

T-Boz and Marco had identical overall records entering this season, with both of them sitting at an overall 8-20 (although T-Boz did make the playoffs with a 5-9 record in Season 6 due to an incredibly weak division). That trend continues through five weeks, as with this win the Devil Rays rise to 3-2 on the season and the Yankees fall to 3-2. For the Yankees, this was a game where the defense let them down, because while they were able to get 5 runs on 11 hits, they also let up 3 runs on 7 hits, finishing with a run differential of only 2. Meanwhile, Tampa Bay hit a lot better, getting 19 hits and turning them into 7 runs; even the one run allowed couldn’t bring them down, as it merely erased their home bonus, allowing them to win easily. With New York and Tampa Bay now tied, the question must be asked: are these two coaches inextricably linked? Tough to say, but they’re both in the playoff chase and looking good a few weeks in.

Player of the game: Adam Van Doren of the Devil Rays had a killer game, going 3-for-3 (all singles), getting an RBI, and scoring twice himself. He also led the team in stolen bases with three. He also was not responsible for the dumpster fire that started in centerfield after the game, and will cooperate fully with any investigation.

Little Giants 7, Humongous Hornets 5

In a battle of winless teams, something had to give. In this case, it was the Hornets pitching staff, as the Giants put up their biggest score of the season at home, scoring 6 runs off of 12 hits with the most vital being a 3-run homer from Claudia Villarta in the bottom of the 4th that gave the Giants the margin of victory. Once again, it was a valiant effort from the Hornets, who played a solid game but did just poorly enough to lose, as they posted 5 runs on 11 hits and got a shutout. The Humongous Hornets stay winless, while the Little Giants snag their first win of the season and are hoping to build on that momentum against the Florida Marlins.

Player of the game: What do you call a player who goes 2-for-2 with a single, a homer, and a walk, who gets 4 RBIs and scores once? You call her Claudia Villarta, who was an absolutely vital piece for the Giants in their first win. You don’t call her on the telephone, though, as her cell has been confiscated for the next two weeks for texting in church.

INDOOR CONFERENCE

Seattle Fishes 13, Milwaukee Braves 12

The Seattle Fishes finally got into the win column on the same day that the Braves got their offense working. For Milwaukee, it was the day of the long ball at Playground Commons, as they turned 21 hits and 3 walks into 14 runs courtesy of 5 homers. Meanwhile, the Fishes also had a good day at home, scoring 15 off of 20 hits and 4 walks. It would seem like an easy win for the Fishes were it not for the fact that they were defensively putrid, giving up 5 runs to the Braves AI and lowering their run differential to a prorated 13. The Braves would’ve been able to take a 14-13 win as a result…were it not for the fact that for the first time this season, Shohei Ohtani gave up runs, 2 in total, putting the Fishes ahead of the Braves and allowing Seattle their first win of the season.

Player of the game: Jane Davis was a miracle worker for the Fishes, going 4-of-4 with a single and 3–count ’em, 3–home runs. She had 8 RBIs and scored 4 times in a performance strong enough for her to be named the Indoor Conference’s BATTER OF THE WEEK! Ironically enough, she’s allergic to tuna and thinks Trey Anastasio is incredibly overrated.

Arizona Diamondbacks 11, Boston Reds 5

Arizona stays undefeated, Boston stays winless. It was a fairly typical game for both teams, with Jay Green carrying the Diamondbacks by producing 8 RBIs and the Reds unable to create enough offense to get a win. Arizona ended up scoring 11 runs on 15 hits and 2 walks and shutting out their opposition on the road (Randy Johnson only allowed a single hit, and that hit turned into a double play), while Boston struggled to do much at home, ending up with only 9 hits in a 5-1 win.

Player of the game: Once again, it’s Jay Green, who barely missed out on being named BATTER OF THE WEEK again as he went 4-for-4 with a double and 3–count ’em, 3–home runs. He scored every time he came up to bat, and finished with 8 RBIs. Also, Randy Johnson continued to quietly be one of the best pitchers in the entire league, as he threw four strikeouts in the Diamondbacks one-hit shutout.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angles Association 10, Baltimore Bombers 6

After barely losing in a high-scoring game against the Texas Rangers at Dirt Yards, the Baltimore Bombers needed to win at home against the Angels to keep pace in the conference. They were assisted in this quest by the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angles Association having their worst game since Week 1, scoring only 10 runs off of 18 hits in a shutout win. Unfortunately, grounderball failed the Bombers for the first time since they dove wholeheartedly into it in Week 3, with them only able to muster 11 hits and 6 runs while allowing a run of their own. The Angels continued their winning ways, and now sit at 4-1 and in sole possession of 3rd place in the Indoor Conference, while the Bombers are now 2-3 and tied for 4th with the Milwaukee Braves.

Player of the game: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angles Association pitcher Mr. Clanky needed to have a good game if the Angels weren’t going to have a spectacular offensive performance. And he did, as he threw a 4-hit shutout with an impressive 11 strikeouts. He wasn’t able to give an interview since nobody sprung for the Speak-n-Spell upgrade, but his light was blinking like crazy, so we’ll assume he was pleased with his performance.

Texas Rangers 13, Super-Duper Melonheads 1

Like Arizona, Texas remained undefeated, this time by beating up on one of the weaker teams in the division in the Melonheads. Once again, the Melonheads didn’t have the best day, as they only managed 3 runs and 8 hits while giving up 6 hits and 2 runs on defense. Texas did much better, grabbing 25 hits and 3 walks on their way to scoring 13 runs and producing a one-hit shutout. At this point, the Melonheads still have yet to win at home this season, while the Rangers are still tied for first in the Indoor Conference with the Arizona Diamondbacks.

Player of the game: Betty Houston was named the Indoor Conference’s PITCHER OF THE WEEK for tossing a 1-hit, 8 strikeout shutout. While she didn’t have the greatest day offensively (2-for-4, 2 singles, 1 RBI, 1 run scored), neither did anyone else on the Rangers as the majority of the team was adequate but not spectacular. Consequently, Betty Houston gets the award, making it the second time Houston has found herself very valuable to Texas.

BACKYARD CONFERENCE

Boston Cubs 15, Purple Sox 14

You know who I’m insanely jealous of? KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS. Why? Because he managed to draft the toughest defense in the Backyard, which is exactly what I tried to do and failed miserably at! Which brings me to the Boston Cubs; they don’t have the greatest games offensively this season, but their defense has been good enough to get them wins. That was the case this week, as the Cubs held the Purple Sox to their lowest run and hit totals of the season (12 and 20, respectively). Even the home bonus wasn’t enough for the Purple Sox to win, as it only got them to an adjusted run differential of 14.4. This was just barely not enough to catch the Cubs, who took over Steele Stadium to the tune of 15 runs scored on 24 hits and no runs allowed on 4 hits (one strikeout). End result? The Wizard Wombats are now once again in sole possession of first place in the conference, while the Boston Cubs and Purple Sox are now tied for second with the Red Phillies at 3-2 apiece.

Player of the game: Kay O’Toole finds herself in this position again, although this time her team lost. Still, going 4-for-4 with a pair of singles and a pair of home runs deserves to be acknowledged, especially since she got 4 RBIs and scored all but one time she came up to bat. Add in that she pitched a 3-hit shutout with 1 strikeout and only 32 pitches thrown, and she was obviously a good tool for the Purple Sox–even if she didn’t manage to knock the Cubs out.

Wizard Wombats 20, Junior Brewers 18

Coming off their first loss, the Wombats put up far fewer runs and won. That’s an oversimplification, of course: the Brewers are a stronger defense that actually has a pitching staff, with the tradeoff being that their offense isn’t quite as potent. Still, that doesn’t mean the Brewers didn’t put up a fight; in fact, this is the closest game the Wombats have been in all year, as the Junior Brewers scored 17 runs at home off of 23 hits and a walk (along the way stealing 16 bases) while allowing only two, for an adjusted run differential of 18. The Wombats did just a bit better in their full six innings, though, as they put up 23 runs with 28 hits and 4 walks while allowing only 3 to cross the plate. With this win and the Purple Sox loss, the Wizard Wombats now move back into sole possession of first place in the Backyard Conference, while the Brewers drop below .500 again.

Player of the game: The Wizard Wombats’ Jerry Winchell was the Backyard Conference’s BATTER OF THE WEEK! So why isn’t he the player of the game? Well, despite going 3-for-4 offensively with a single and two home runs that saw him score twice and hit 7 RBIs, his effectiveness in this game was stunted by his pitching performance. Sure, he had 7 strikeouts, but he also gave up 10 hits and 3 runs. Instead, the award goes to his teammate Amir Khan, who went 4-for-5 with two singles, a double, and home run, scoring twice and knocking in six. Say what you will about Sticks, but he kept the beat steady for the Wombats this week.

Green Monsters 28, Red Phillies 11

If I’m being kind, which I rarely am, the Green Monsters have been a mercurial team. They opened the season with a huge 24-0 victory against the Purple Sox at Steele Stadium, followed it up with a smaller score of 16-0 against the Super-Duper Wombats at La Chancla in a game they lost, and then proceeded to fail to score in the double-digits in their next two games at home at the reputably high-scoring Tin Can Alley. So what’d they do in their third home game in a row? Finally figure out how to rack up the runs, apparently, as they turned 33 hits into 24 runs and shut out their opponents at home. Meanwhile, the lack of speed came back to bite the Phillies again, as without home runs as readily available they found themselves leaving twelve stranded as their 25 hits only turned into 13 runs and they gave up two runs of their own. The Monsters take their second win, while the Phillies fall to 3-2 and are tied with the Purple Sox and Boston Cubs for second place in the conference.

Player of the game: Alicia Blakely was a girl on fire for the Monsters. How on fire? She went 5-for-5 with two singles, two doubles, and a home run, scored every time she came up to bat, and notched 4 RBIs on top of it. She also admitted that she didn’t like playing on concrete and would like to return to grass; she won’t get her chance next week, as the Monsters take on the Floss at the notoriously beachy Sandy Flats.

Montana Floss 11, Baltimore Orioles 5

Baltimore finally got their first win last week in a close home game against the Cubs, and were hoping to do so again against the middling Montana Floss. Unfortunately, their game against the Cubs required the Cubs to only win 6-1 while the Orioles won a 5-0 match that required Marky Dubois to toss a perfect game, and that magic wasn’t repeatable. The Orioles offense once again struggled, only managing 5 runs, 11 hits, and a walk, while Marky Dubois was unable to repeat his perfect performance from Week 4, allowing 4 hits and a run while striking out six. While the Floss had their worst road game of the year, in part due to Davy Marian’s extremely good day, it was still a decent performance, as Brad Radke pitched a one-hit shutout with 11 strikeouts and Montana’s offense turned 21 hits and 2 walks into 11 runs and took the win.

Player of the game: Brad Radke had one of the best pitching performances he’s had all season–and that’s saying something, considering that he leads the entire league in strikeouts, has yet to give up a run, and had a perfect game to start the year. So yes, I believe it’s not inaccurate to say that a one-hit shutout with 11 strikeouts that got him his fourth PITCHER OF THE WEEK award from the Backyard Conference (fourth in five weeks, no less) is enough to get him this award in such a low-scoring matchup. And yes, I suppose I should mention that at the plate he went 2-for-3 (both singles) and walked once, with an RBI and two runs scored.

STANDINGS

Backyard Conference
Wizard Wombats [Wizard] (4-1)
Boston Cubs [KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS] (3-2)
Purple Sox [aesnop] (3-2)
Red Phillies [crazyei8hts] (3-2)
Junior Brewers [jibbodahibbo] (2-3)
Green Monsters [Yurya] (2-3)
Montana Floss [JorgesBankAccount] (2-3)
Baltimore Orioles [Mavfatha] (1-4)

Indoor Conference
Arizona Diamondbacks [Sisu] (5-0)
Texas Rangers [Jyknight] (5-0)
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angles Association [JOMAR] (4-1)
Baltimore Bombers [jlund] (2-3)
Milwaukee Braves [Natetastic] (2-3)
Super-Duper Melonheads [Eauxps I. Fourgott] (1-4)
Seattle Fishes [elchrisblanco] (1-4)
Boston Reds [shrewsberry] (0-5)

Frontyard Conference
Minnesota Twins [Toast] (4-1)
Los Angeles Dodgers [hitace] (4-1)
Tampa Bay Devil Rays [T-Boz] (3-2)
New York Yankees [Marco] (3-2)
Junior Athletics [MelloMathTeacher] (3-2)
Florida Marlins [skolgamingnetwork] (2-3)
Little Giants [SilverBullet102] (1-4)
Humongous Hornets [Vissery] (0-5)

JYKNIGHT’S POWER RANKINGS

Here’s a new feature: power rankings, courtesy of Texas Rangers head coach Jyknight, who posts new ones every Monday evening (approximately). He gave me permission to reprint them, so here we are: JYKNIGHT’S WEEK 5 POWER RANKINGS!

Key:
Ranking.: Team (previous week’s ranking) Record: Explanation

FRONTYARD CONFERENCE

1.: Minnesota Twins (3) 4-1: Toast is able to perform on the big stage! What a game from this guy, beating the Marlins by a score of 12-6. Scores have been inconsistent for Toast though, ranging from 2 to 14. If he can consistently score 10+, I think he will remain at the top of this division. Fab did her job for the Twins at Scrapco going 3-4 with 2 homers and 4 RBIs. Toast plays the Dodgers in Week 6 and I think he goes low and falls there.

2.: Los Angeles Dodgers (1) 4-1: Hitace sneaks by the A’s in this one, winning due to playing at home. This is his first real falter of the year as none of his power hitters could get anything done at Steele. I recall him saying he was just on fire while playing his first two games. Has he cooled off? I think Week 6 will be a big indicator as to what his true skill level is. Leah threw a great game for the Dodgers, going the distance and striking out 9 batters. Dodgers vs. Twins in Week 6, and I think the Dodgers take it.

3.: Junior Athletics (5) 3-2: Mello with a heartbreaking loss here! Losing because he was the away team and forcing his live commentary to disappear for the foreseeable future. The A’s have been good, I think Mello bounces back fine and stays competitive in this division. Wendy Parsons played well for the A’s, going 3-3 with 2 homers and 4 RBIs. The A’s host the Devil Rays in Week 6. It’ll be a close game!

4.: New York Yankees (2) 3-2: Marco falls after only mustering 2 runs this week. I heard he was going to miss his viewing of Space Jam 2 if he played any longer, so he let the resident kangaroo play for him. Was it worth it? Rotten Tomatoes says no. Let’s hope he isn’t distracted by the Olympics next week and is able to bounce back. No one played well for the Yankees. Sorry. Yankees beat Hornets in Week 6 already; feather in the hat, macaroni. [Editor’s note: thanks for the spoilers.]

5.: Tampa Bay Devil Rays (4) 3-2: Should this man be higher? Yeah, probably. If he wins next week, he’s going top 3 for sure. Very good performances this year by T-Boz, highlighted by a 19-run explostion in Week 4. Consistent scoring is key in this league and the Rays are good at that. George Coleman went 1-3 with a triple and 2 RBIs in this one. T-Boz takes on the A’s in Week 6. It’ll be close!

6.: Florida Marlins (6) 2-3: Skol was in the match of the week this week. From watching his gameplay I think there’s a lot to improve upon. Which is saying a lot considering he scores a decent number of runs each game. He doesn’t sprint, nor does he change his batting stance. If he can get a grip on both of those mechanics, he can skyrocket to the top. No stats 😦 [Editor’s note: he got his stats in…eventually. On Wednesday or something.] I think the Marlins get the best of the Giants in Week 6.

7.: Little Giants (8) 1-4: Rookie first win alert!! SB gets his first win of his rBBL career thanks to a Claudia bomb over the left field fence at Eckman. He was going nuts! Love to see the passion from him here. 7 runs is a great score as well. If he can keep up that success, more wins are in his future. The Giants face off against the Marlins in Week 6. We pray for runs.

8.: Humongous Hornets (7) 0-5: HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM [Editor’s note: this goes on for a while.] MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM [Editor’s note: seriously, a long time.] MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM [Editor’s note: maybe get up and grab some snacks.] MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM [Editor’s note: a drink too, while you’re at it.] MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM [Editor’s note: anyone need a bathroom break?] MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM [Editor’s note: everybody good?] MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM [Editor’s note: okay, here we go.] MMMMM. Maybe I was wrong about this team. I don’t think they’ll go winless. They put up too good numbers to do that. Keeping this one short.

INDOOR CONFERENCE

1.: Arizona Diamondbacks (3) 5-0: I think it was Vissery that said I should put Jay Green here instead of Sisu. I’m doing it next week. Jay Green has accounted for 40 of the team’s 53 RBIs. This is unheard of in this league! Sisu just rakes with this kid! And it’s not like anyone can stop him. Maybe a Delgado arm dangle can [Editor’s note: Delgado’s arm doesn’t dangle; the only players who have that animation cycle on the mound are Chipper Jones, Nomar Garciaparra, Alex Rodriguez, and Carlos Beltran. And three of them are in my conference. Joy. Anyway, Delgado just stares at you constantly like an owl.], but he’s in the Backyard. Going to need Chris to take out Jay this week for me. Let’s highlight Sisu’s pitching here: Randy went 6 innings and only gave up 1 hit against the Reds. The snakes take on the Fishes in Week 6. I think Jay Green wins.

2.: Texas Rangers (2) 5-0: Hey! Look! I can score some! Molly May has been surprisingly good for me and has provided timely home runs for my club. I do think I need to fix my lineup a little and maybe that’ll push me to the next level.

3.: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Pink Angels Association (1) 4-1: Jomar gets a good win against the Bombers in Week 5, winning 10-6. The output is going down for these Angels, however, from 30 in Week 2 to 10 in Week 5. Is Nate [Editor’s note: one of Jomar’s aliases.] getting tired of this game? I sure hope not! His team is fun, I like when he scores runs, and he has Kimmy–just an added bonus. Speaking of Kimmy, she led the offense, going 3-3 with a homer and 3 RBIs. The Angels face off against the Fishes in Week 6 [Editor’s note: they actually play the Rangers. The Fishes play the Diamondbacks.] and I dunno. I think Chris might just take this one! [Editor’s note: I don’t.]

4.: Baltimore Bombers (4) 2-3: I talked to Lundy after this one and he said that the combo of Webbers and Clanky and Maria was hard to get past as he only mustered 5 runs. I’m scared of that defense too. Let’s see how many stolen bases he had this week…only 5. Grounders and steals seem to be the way of the Bombers. Ironic? Enh. But facing the Angels did expose him to this. Maybe he takes another approach when they have their rematch. He still has a strong offense so he’s still a formidable opponent. Sonja led the offense going 3-3 with 3 RBIs. Bombers vs. Braves in Week 6. I think this one will be a coin toss!

5.: Milwaukee Braves (5) 2-3: A great game by Nate [Editor’s note: Natetastic, not Jomar.] in this one! Unfortunately, he was one run short. This coach shouldn’t hang his head, I watched his performance live and it was super fun to watch. Sho-time is electric and so is Henri. If he can keep up this output, I think he’ll find himself on the right side of .500. Shohei performed well for the Braves, going 3-4 with 2 HRs and 7 RBIs.

6.: Seattle Fishes (7) 1-4: A great win for Chris in this one as he notches his first win! His scores keep getting higher and higher which is a good sign for all Fish fans. This is similar to what has happened in the past with Blanco coached teams, increasingly getting better. It might get tight at the top if he continues to put up scores like this! Holy moley Jane popped off: 4-4, 3 HRs and 8 RBIs. Chris is up against jlund in Week 6. [Editor’s note: he’s actually playing Sisu’s Diamondbacks. Jlund’s Bombers take on the Braves in Week 6.] I think Chris’s hot streak of increasing scores continues and he wins this matchup. [Editor’s note: I don’t.]

7.: Super-Duper Melonheads (6) 1-4: From what I’ve been hearing, Eauxps has been hampered by nerfs all season long which hit him again as he was only able to muster a single run on aggregate (he scored 3 but gave up 2). This is just not Eauxps’s season. As a former vet and his rival, I hope he can turn this Melonheads team around. I think his team does have some upside, and maybe some more practice with them might benefit him as the season progresses. Angela doubled and drove in the 3 Melonhead runs. He might find another win in Week 6 as he faces the winless Reds. [Editor’s note: true.]

8.: Boston Reds (8) 0-5: Shrews just hasn’t been able to put up the runs necessary to win. Last year he relied on his potent defense to propel him to success, but it seems as if that’s not working out this season. Like Aes said last week, hopefully he can catch some teams on bad days coming up. Jeter played well for the Reds, driving in 3. The Reds face the Melons in Week 6, and have a good chance of notching their first win!

BACKYARD CONFERENCE

1.: Wizard Wombats (2) 4-1: WomBATS. Keep. The. Plus. 20s. Coming. Honestly I didn’t see this kind of offensive output coming from Wiz this season and I am so happy he’s proved me wrong. He squeaks by the brewers this week by 2, 20-18. He’s now scored 20 or more runs every game! Yeah, I get that his team is only offense, but I still think this is super impressive! This guy is playoff-bound for sure. An unlikely hero in the form of Jerry Winchell led the Wombats in Game 5 with 2 homers and 7 RBIs! Next Wiz takes on the Cubs and if he can just hit it over this tough defense, I think he wins this.

2.: Purple Sox (1) 3-2: After scoring 50!! in the previous week, Aes falls to the Cubs in Week 5. I’m going to say this is a gimmick, kinda, but it seems the Purple Sox go as Nicky Winston does. For one game. It’s science. Look it up. The Purple Sox have struggled more at home this season so maybe that’s his kryptonite? Because he doesn’t have sluggers like the other teams. I don’t think it’ll hinder him too much. He stays in the top 2 this week. Kay O’Toole continues to rake for this team going 4-4 with 2 bombs and 4 RBIs. Sox vs. Phillies at Playground this week; lack of pitching and 8’s power doesn’t bode well for Aes.

3.: Boston Cubs (6) 3-2: Wait, how’d KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS get here? Oh yeah, that’s right, his defense is way better than I thought. This defense limited the potent Purple Sox offense to its lowest total of the season at 14 and the Cubs were able to sneak past with a one-run victory. KiiiiiiiiiiiiiS’s style might not be flashy but hey, who cares when you get wins like he is? A-Rod and Zoe Mallory led the offense in this one, each driving in 5 runs! The Cubs host the Wombats in Week 6. Hard to have a good defense if balls are flying over your head. Hopefully Kenny can shut down the Wombats offense.

4.: Red Phillies (3) 3-2: Rough one this week for the Phillies as the fall to the Monsters, 28-11. I’m solely going to blame this loss on the field having no fences for 8s to hit home runs over. From the stats, it just looks like the Phillies couldn’t get timely hits with runners on. Just a hiccup for them this season and I don’t see this team dwelling over this loss for too long. Mikey propelled the Phillies offense with a homer and 5 RBIs. The Phillies take on the Purple Sox next at Playground Commons. If the homerun stroke is on, I see the Phillies winning this in a high-scoring affair.

5.: Green Monsters (7) 2-3: Yurya lays the hammer on Crazy this week as these two faced off in a stream-off! After only scoring a combined 15 runs in the past two weeks, the Monsters exploded for 28. Do I think this is the ceiling for Yurya? Maybe. But I do think this is a consistent ceiling. Meaning I think he can score this many runs all the time. He’s got a chance to squeak in if he keeps up this kind of performance. Ramona Bennet shone for the Monsters, going 4-5 with 4 RBIs and 3 Rs–and she closed out the game, looks like! OOOO, Monsters, Mariners at Sandy this week. That’s a tough defense to get through. [Editor’s note: no it isn’t.]

6.: Junior Brewers (5) 2-3: A close loss this week for the Brewers, falling to the WomBATS by 2. Not a bad performance by Jibbo at all this week and he seems to age like a fine wine as the season progresses. He’s putting up more and more runs. Staying in the 15-20 range might work out for him if his defense and pitching can hold up. Seems like his game has been set back to hard these past couple weeks as well [Editor’s note: the Junior Brewers were playing on the super secret EXTRA HARD mode for the first two weeks.] Also, someone in the media told me he reported me to HR? Move this guy to 8th. Mav vs. Jibbo in Week 6. I don’t think Jibbo gives Mav his second win. Go Brewers.

7.: Montana Floss (4) 2-3: I did the thing that JBA wanted me to. [Editor’s note: thank you.] Floss in the bottom half. Beating up a flightless Orioles team moves you down 3 spots. How dare you. But, what this game did show off? The Mariners defense. It’s stout. I don’t think JBA stays down here for long, just a lot of good performances from other teams is all. I like this floss team. BRADKE. Superstar ace. Went the distance and threw 11 Ks in this one. Mariners vs. Monsters at Sandy. JBA knows the sand too well. I think the Floss wipe their teeth with them? I dunno.

8.: Baltimore Orioles (8) 1-4: Nerfed Shawn was the downfall of the Orioles in Week 5. Even when Shawn did get a decent hit with his 4 hitting in this one, it turned out to be a double play. Just a metaphor for this Orioles season. I don’t think the Billy Jean experiment is working out either, she comes up in crucial situations too much and just can’t get the job done. Lena has been a bright spot for this team though, hitting another homer in this one and driving in 4. Mav takes on Jibbo next, and I think the Orioles remain at one win.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

“Anyone who would willing play there is a psycho.” – T-Boz, Tampa Bay Devil Rays head coach, on Sandy Flats

“Jesus. One tiny break doesn’t go against me and I win that game.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, on barely losing to the Dodgers

“AAGEDIEIEAENDIFDIFJDKAIEEABBMCNAAELCGAMAABPAAAAA
ABCACACACAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAE” – jibbodahibbo, Junior Brewers head coach, captioning his stream

“‘Ooooooohhhhh, Kay.’ No. Kay O.” – MelloMathTeacher, Junior Athletics head coach, watching Kay O’Toole’s performance in the Week 2 Matchup Of The Week and inadvertently creating a running gag in the quotes section

“Have you ever heard of My Little Pony?” – crazyei8hts, Red Phillies head coach

“My team is not inherently completely incapable, at least.” – Eauxps I. Fourgott, Super-Duper Melonheads head coach, on double negatives

“Ban Cement Gardens and Paveway next season.” – Vissery, Humongous Hornets head coach, being completely correct about concrete fields

“Stupid dog! You made me look bad!” Eustace, Courage the Cowardly Dog

“HMMMMM…MMMMM…MMMMM.” – Jyknight, Texas Rangers head coach, on the Humongous Hornets